I suppose I'll always be alone (warning minor swears and possible triggers)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Morningstar, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    (I also posted this in the relationships section but it might fit better here as it falls into wanting to 'let it all out', I posted it in relationships originally because it mainly involves relationships. But since no one has responded at all there maybe it should go here. Or simply more likely it's just that no one wants to bother saying anything and as usual finds it easier to just ignore me. Which considering that's partly what this 'rant' is about it really doesn't surprise me at all. Although. . .well. . .honestly. . .it, well, it doesn't make it any less painful, in fact it just makes me feel more lonely, makes my lack of connection more pronounced, and just hurts even more. Anyway I doubt anyone will read any further then this and I really don't know why I'm bothering. I'm not asking anyone to figure it all out, or give me some ingenious solution to my problems. I'm just reaching out to see if anyone else feels the same way, or has had similar experiences.. I guess I just still vainly and stupidly hope someone will care enough to even just say 'hello'.)



    Well I'm finally coming to terms with this screaming fact of my life, slowly but surely anyway. I've tried to deny it in multiple ways, from telling myself(and being told) the usual 'I just haven't found the 'right one' yet'. To saying and thinking "well I've been single so long because really I choose to be not because I haven't had the opportunity'. And every possible lie, half-truth, angry condemnations of the opposite(and same) sex, and straight out delusions. All the while avoiding the facts that stare at me as surely as my own reflection does when I look in a mirror. Now I've had relationships, okay only two, both lasted a little less then a year. Both were when I was a teen, the first one started when I was 15(a few months before I turned 16) and ended 4 months before I turned 16(It ended like 2 weeks before our 1 year). My second relationship started and ended when I was 17, technically when I was 18, but she ended it without my knowledge before I actually found out. After my second relationship and the circumstances in which it ended(which I don't feel like getting into, let's just say it was an unforgivable betrayal and theft) I stayed away from wanting to get involved with anyone. Then I started to try and reach out and try to start something with someone. Well we wound up having one amazing night after she had a breakdown(not sex but close) and were going to go on a date and start seeing each other. But that didn't happen she used the "I don't want to hurt you" speech and the whole "let's stay friends". Fine, whatever, I moved on and eventually I tried to make a move on another woman, nope, got the whole "your a nice guy but let's. . .". I didn't try again for awhile and then when I did same general response, every-freakin-time without fail(or just laughs like I was joking,which I wound up going along with). I almost started something with one woman but things happened that led to me having to leave town(of course she never even bothered to email me about what happened and to ask why I left). I wound up moving to another part of my country and another city and started a dating profile to see where it'd take me. But I was only there for a short time before events again conspired against me and forced me to move(back in with my mom in my hometown no less). I didn't spend a lot of time 'out and about' when I was stuck living back in my hometown and thus didn't have any real opportunities(in fact those three years I spent largely agoraphobic and a hardcore painpill junkie). During those three years I did wind up 'officially' coming out(several people knew already) as being bisexual though and 'widened my choices' so to speak. The last little while I was still living in my hometown I kept up a dating site profile and wound up connecting with someone in the city. We talked for awhile but eventually nothing came of that either even when I tried to meet up with her in the city. Anyway I've been back living in the city for awhile now and I've made several attempts at dating and finding someone. I've started conversations with random people, given out my number, and even had a real date/study session/cuddle/fell asleep together. The woman I had the date/ with was really amazing and I even thought that it may go somewhere after I got the letter she had sent me(I mentioned to her I loved letter writing). But after talking for a little while(as she was working nonstop at this time) she stopped responding to my calls and to my texts altogether. At first I was furious and disgusted and hurt and then I started thinking, really thinking. And now I've come to this posts title as my conclusion and it doesn't bother me all that much anymore(and will fade more so with more time). Now I should point out that well I'm not the most handsome or 'beautiful' guy around and well I'm not in the best shape. I'm really not that bad looking, in fact most people I know describe me as quite good looking and I'm not fat either(well to everyone else anyway). In fact I hit the 'tall, dark, and handsome' trifecta perfectly and completely, except for the fact I'm not all muscled.(I'll even send you a photo if you want proof). I'm(according to others) a very civil an polite, well-mannered, mature, intelligent, passionate, caring, artistic, fairly confident(outwardly anyway), understanding, am a great conversationalist, and I even have a sense of humor(somewhat, it's very dry, sarcastic, weird, and dark but it's there). But no matter any of my supposed 'good' qualities or how well I might come across to another person it never matters. Whether women or men somehow subconsciously or otherwise pick up on what's deep inside me. Or even when I'm honest about my problems and difficulties, the fact remains. . .I'm never ever good enough. I'm always the guy everyone "just wants to stay 'friends' with" or some such related bullshit. But far more likely I'm just the guy that guys and women collectively ignore, probably because of some animal instinct that says "danger keep away from that one". I really really don't get it though, I mean if the most hardcore BDSM practitioners, hell even full-blown psychopaths(and f**king serial killers) can find someone to love them and to love. Well then why the hell can't I?, if people with all sorts of debilitating an disfiguring disabilities, obesity problems, people who are outright 'ugly'(by anyone's standards), people who are the dullest in existence, and even people with autism and down's syndrome for F**K SAKE'S!! can find 'love' and companionship!! Well then why?!, WHY?! can't I?!, someone who supposedly, according to everyone who knows me says I'm a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have me, find ANYONE who is remotely capable of caring for me in an intimate, romantic way?! I mean I can't even find someone for just an 'intimate encounter'(what the dating site I'm on calls them), no one!!, not a single person!(like I said I'm pretty good looking according to all the people I know and I'm 'of a slightly above average size'), I mean how f***ing sad and pathetic is that?! I really think the two relationships I did have were complete flukes, one an example of a (un)happy accident(it really wasn't a good relationship, main reason we were together was because we were both messed up, she got better, I didn't). While the other(and last) an example simply of a person suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder latching onto the most available person around(me, and then quickly moving on when I wasn't there anymore). Every man and woman looks at me as nothing more then a potential friend(if even that) and never, ever anything more. Why?, honestly I'm not sure at all and honestly I don't really care all that much anymore, why should I anyway? But all I WANT AND NEED before. . ., well before, is someone to connect too for a little while, someone to hold me, someone to 'be with'(hell I'll probably have to pay someone, chances are with my luck though no one would take my money). But apparently that just isn't meant for me, which like I said is something I'm coming to terms with, slowly but surely, I guess I will just ALWAYS be ALONE.

    *sigh* Rant complete
     
  2. vixter101

    vixter101 Chat Buddy

    Hi Hun,

    I didn't want you to think that no one cared enough to not reply to your posts....everyone cares about everyone on this site I've found and it could just be that your post got buried amongst others...or people wanted some time to think about their reply.

    You are not worthless and there is someone for everyone, I truly believe that....I have my own problems myself and although I am in a relationship, I wouldn't exactly say it is a happy one at present (I feel that he doesn't actually give a toss about me and is just using me because I have a car). If you don't mind how old are you?

    It may also be that girls or guys may want to build a relationship through friendship first before going any further, maybe they are shy or have issues themselves? I can't really offer much constructive help other than to be a friendly ear for you to rant to as much as you want....

    I hope you feel better and know that you are special and that special guy/girl is out there waiting to find you in the most unlikelist of places.

    Big *hug

    Vix xxx
     
  3. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    I don't want you to feel like no one responds to your posts or cares about you either. I find people on this site very helpful, and they do want to listen to you and help you emotionally. I believe that your not worthless or unimportant. I hope you continue to express your feelings here. It tends to make me feel better that other people here do truly care. I know your special guy/girl who came to the most unlikely places for help.

    Remember your not alone. :hug

    Trevor
     
  4. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your replies, it's appreciated, and I didn't mean so much this site as I've actually gotten some feedback. It just seems like every other site I go on I never get replies. As for the whole wanting to be friends first thing, well I generally am friends with the people I'm interested in for quite awhile before I attempt to go further. And even though I'm everything they 'claim' to want they always give me the same story. So to say it's discouraging is kind of putting it mildly to say the least. Anyway again thank you both so much for your comments they really do mean a lot.
     
  5. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Your welcome :hug: I hope you continue to share your feelings, and don't feel worried to PM me or the others because were friendly :) So, far I've made a few friends on this site and it seems to be helping me.

    Trevor,