I suppose this doesn't belong in this section but it's the best I could do so here it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawthornePassage, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member


    whew long title

    I wanted to paste a little of an AIM conversation I had a few nights ago with a (very intelligent) friend of mine. Actually he's my best friend, we talk about this shit all the time. We were discussing the subject of extraterrestrial visitors. As you may have gathered, I do not care much for your average conspiracy theory, but the breadth and depth of anecdotal evidence has convinced me that there is something truly bizarre going on. Now, is it our 'typical aliens'? I don't know. But it's not something naturalistic and scientifically explainable under our current understanding, that I am sure of.

    Here's what I had written:

    Anyway I wouldnt say these reports are just merely elaborate, I guess its hard when you havent looked into it a ton, but there are many undeniable things that when put together check against each other and form a web where the mainstream view is virtually impossible. However we are subject to lack of knowledge because strange forces are high above us, so we could be misinterpreting, but I am convinced that there is something there. Personally when I look up I imagine all the stuff going on and my head is up there, partly why I hate living down here so much and wanted to get it over with (and from time to time still wonder how long I'm gonna last). I'm already living in the stars so things like this sit well with me and are conceivable even if I have not personally experienced it

    It then ended up taking a turn to discussing my inner feelings and whatnot, which tends to happen... :sad:

    But I am also living in the stars in a grounded way, as to not believe every random conspiracy theory....a different world, but a REAL different world in a way, just what is supposed to be or will be rather than what is. I mean fundamentally my bare perspective and center of being is just in a different place, time, and context than here so it is a complete mismatch and creates a lot of tension/boredom/etc..Imagine a hypothetical 2090 society where there have been a few major advances but mostly streamlining and refinement, highly likely. Also society has become much more liberal and atheist, and people are more open minded and intelligent on the surface but lack imagination and use of potential and all that. Im probably the only person I know (well besides you, maybe) that would actually find even 2090 boring and primitive. And thats what scares me, Because Im likely going to live until then if I truck it out...Only to see it be a huge letdown, almost certainly. I just fundamentally feel to the highest degree that I do not belong here


    I dont think Im really looking for advice, because there's nothing that can really be done about any of the conundrums I am in. Just talking really....so thanks for reading.

    This is because my perspective has changed so radically over the years...radically enough that I know I will never be satisfied or fulfilled the way things are no matter how much I try to lie to myself. I remember the days when I actually went through real depression and suicidal thoughts and the like......that was 4-5 years ago. It was so different than this. That was more a lack of self confidence, feelings of inferiority, etc. In that situation, if I could do the 'right' thing, things would be fixed but I wasn't good enough to do it. Everything changed a few years ago after I got over that.....I realized that I could do the greatest things possible, and it would really not change anything. It was the first time I had no control over what REALLY mattered and it drove me nuts.

    I am just not 'here' in a big way; I genuinely feel like I came from another world or something, even though I know that factually it isn't the case. It took my friend years to understand all the things I would go on about with people reaching their potential, abstract thought etc because he was numbing himself emotionally so much. But that finally broke and all of a sudden about 6 months ago he "got" it real well. Interesting how important emotion can be in abstract thought, even if we don't feel like it should be a factor in our judgments. And not necessarily specific emotions, but just the basic ability to feel the 'essence' of things as they are.

    Anyhow, as time goes on, I see a lot of the nightmares I had a few years playing out. Few people really provide good company for me, and most things are boring. Yet I do 'em anyway because I have to. I have a wonderful girlfriend and a great best friend, but ya know, it just aint enough. I have an excellent business sense and run my own business....at this rate I will probably be a millionaire by 27 or 28, but it just doesnt matter. Its like playing an overdone video game.....no matter how good it gets, I feel like I dont belong in the game. As for suicide or whatever....yeah as you may have gathered, not your average suicidal teen/young adult....been a philosophical dilemma for years, want to plunge into the unknown, but not really hugely keen on getting it over with. Havent really met many people like that. Just feel like I have lived a lifetime in only 5 short years or whatever, kind of wish it hadn't turned out that way on one hand, but on the other hand I wouldn't have it any other way. Not impulsive, just a weary traveler. Anyhow again, thanks for reading.
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