I survived and lost my therapist, my group, and my IOP in the process.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Lauru, Sep 5, 2012.

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  1. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I woke up from an attempt and apparently when I was drunk I texted and emailed my therapist what I was feeling and what was going on, all of which made very little sense as I was drunk. After getting out of the hospital and the psych ward, my therapist said that she cannot see me for at least 3-4 weeks. Also I cannot be a part of my DBT group or my IOP. She said I am having a therapy "vacation". During which I have some things I have to complete. If I come back, I have top stop all cutting and drinking. I have to believe that I am a good person and that the abuse was not my fault. All I can say is that that is not possible for me right now. I am being judged by someone I thought cared for me and would be by my side no matter what. I was wrong. When I called her the night of the attempt, she told me not to call her and hung up. No one cares for me. I will attempt again soon. I know why I failed and I know how to fix it so I succeed next time. She was the only person I thought cared for me unconditionally. When in reality, she who knew me best does not love, care about, or even like me. I am worthless, to everything and everyone. I will kill myself where no one will find me till I am too late. I am in the process of writing the suicide note now.
     
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your therapist doesn't really believe you'll kill yourself and is just trying to whip you into shape. It doesn't sound like it will be very effective, especially since people with BPD are so rejection sensitive. I'm surprised they would do that in DBT which is supposed to be gentle and accepting. Of course, I tried DBT very briefly, found it not to be as advertised pretty quickly and dropped out, so what do I know? I also don't know how they can force you to believe anything or even force you to stop behaviours they won't necessarily be able to see. And I thought you're supposed to be able to contact your therapist all the time in DBT. Sounds stupid. A lot of therapy is, IMO. It's all bullshit and never helps anyway. I wish you luck in finding peace, however that may be. I haven't had any luck myself, unfortunately. Just don't screw it up and leave yourself injured like I did. That will only make your life even more miserable. Especially don't OD. It won't work, will injure you and get you nothing but a lot of anger and frustration from other people. And everyone who finds out will forever more view you as a crazy lunatic.
     
  3. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Tough love, perhaps? People care so much that they get angry when they see you treating yourself badly. They get frustrated when you refuse to see yourself the way that they see you.

    And when you talk about being judged by someone you thought cared, do you mean the therapist or someone else?

    You have to realize that these types of actions can put a lot of stress on other people. You have to want to help yourself. If you do help yourself, these people may come around and be willing to help you along the rest of the way.
     
  4. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I am being judged by my therapist, my group therapist, and another therapist I don't even see, and the manager of all of the counselors. All the way up the line. I can't help myself right now and I was hoping I wouldn't be judged as a bad patient who is hopeless and cannot even be helped by DBT which is supposed to work for people who are borderline. I understand the stress it puts people under, but they are also professionals and are supposed to be able to help me in spite of my own self destructive actions. I guess I deserve to be dead. I can't change that I feel I am responsible for the abuse, and that I deserve to be punished for it. I had just started working on it with my therapist. We only talked about it 2 or 3 times. And now I am supposed to believe that I am good and that it wasn't my fault despite years of being told it was my fault. I am at a lost. I will kill myself. For now, no one understands and no one cares about me.
     
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Lauru, if they are being cold, help them see what you are discussing here, give them a chance to see what you wrote here.

    I don't disagree with you here that after only seeing someone 2 or 3 times that you'd even be over years (or a lifetime) of trust issues and belief systems and core values that tell you you are worthless, and deserve guilt, and should be punished etc...

    It is possible that you may need a new or just plain DIFFERENT support group? I know that they are SUPPOSED to help you, but the thing about each individual, is that they all were educated in different places, have different core values, had seen different things etc... so their take on what and HOW things should work for you will always be a bit different from person to person.

    This means that you might have to search around to find that right fit of a therapist or a group of medical doctors who fit with your needs, who understand where you are coming from, who know how to get you out of your shell, who know how to deliver information to you, who know how to encourage change, etc...

    That is basically like making a friendship almost, some things have to just click... because as I said, there are going to be personalities involved from their end too, and beliefs on what should be done medically, and beliefs on what kinds of therapies and words, and psychological breakdowns you should be fixed/healed with.

    BUT at the end of the day ALL OF THAT is still only ever up to you, to be finalized or decided as to what does work, as to what you need, as to what is best for you.... when it comes to your life, and your needs, and the help that you require etc...

    Do not forget the power that you hold in this decision too. They cannot just toss you aside like that either, just because you don't blindly and quickly absorb everything like a sponge, and magically get fixed so that they can feel better about their day. If they truly are just cutting you out like this, then they are lazy damn doctors, and probably should not be called doctors either, but that is a whole other discussion, honestly...

    Part of getting people to understand you may mean having to talk for a long time. It may mean perhaps showing them the kinds of things you write online too.. because sometimes you will write things that you'd never be honest or brave enough to say in real life too.

    It might mean creating diaries, or logs, to share so that your emotions and circumstances can be broken down more clearly, etc...

    It might mean different kind of therapy altogether, like maybe group therapy, or cognitive sessions, or art therapy to say what you are trying to get out etc...

    There are all different kinds of people for those things too.

    I know of one person who has a blog online who communicates some of the things she could never ever say, through art. She has someone there for that too... but again, it takes time to find that right person too, and to get that connection.

    There will also always be SOME resistance. I don't mean everyone turning on you, but obviously a therapist will give you some resistance, because their job is to challenge what you are thinking, and why, and how, and what is causing it etc... to help you face it too, and to help you consider all of those things too etc... so sometimes it will feel like they are against you, or it will feel like they don't get you.

    But if you just want to be heard, or have something heard, you need to find a way to separate that need; from wanting to be helped. They are two different things... if you get what I mean by that?

    At the end of all that I have said, no you do not deserve to be dead. You deserve to find help, and to be able to allow yourself that. You deserve to be able to stop the triggers, and to be able to get past the memories and beliefs that make you feel responsible, and make you feel unworthy etc...

    You deserve a great many things, but death is not something that you deserve at this point.
     
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like your therapist is setting boundaries and ground rules, or guidelines for you--for her own good and yours... In other words, she's covering her own self in case you do do it (that's only a guess). Regardless, I've never been one for ultimatums, but that's just me. I do think that some of her requests are a bit unrealistic, but about the only thing you can do if you are unwilling to do these things is to find a new one: which may not be a bad idea? The question you really have to ask yourself is, how much is she really helping you? Only you know for sure. And one thing to keep in mind - she is not your friend. Your therapist may make you think that she is your friend, in order to get you to trust her and open up about some things, but in the end, it's just like any other doctor patient relationship. I bet you that she does not care for you on the same level that you care for her. If you need any more proof, just look at how she reacted when you called her for help in the moment of truth. Now, I'm not saying she doesn't care for you as a patient, that is, in a professional sense. But to think that she thinks of you as a friend is just not quite right. Lastly, it's her job to judge you. That's what she gets paid to do. P.S.) I'm not trying to lecture you here, but rather, give my honest opinion on matters as I see it... P.P.S.) Having said that--it is just my opinion, mind you! :)
     
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Therapists are generally good, caring people who have dedicated their careers toward helping others. This is their profession and they sometimes need to remind their clients that it is their job and while they can be very caring, they are not to become personal emotionally attached on a level other than professional. You need to seek out peers and friends/family for the more intense personal interaction experience.

    Why not stop the cutting and the drinking and begin working on a plan to get better? The most important person that is supposed to care about you is YOURSELF. Start caring about yourself and you will discover that others will follow too.
     
  8. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I am trying, but I am slowly going further and further down. My pdoc is still with me. He thinks the T's are being too punitive and told them so. I am to see my individual T next week, and truth be told, I am scared shitless. I can't handle anymore rejection and abandonment. I don't have anything else in me. I don't think there is anything else in me worth saving. And if i do kill myself, then at least I will not be making people mad and hurting them. I see no more good for my life, and actually there has been very little good up until now. I can't keep living this life, depression after depression. Failure after failure. Regret after regret. Why must I be tortured this way? I ask myself what karmic debt am I paying off in this lifetime. Whatever it is, I can't handle it anymore. I believe in reincarnation and figure I'll come back next time and continue working on it. Right now I just need a break, a break from life. I don't want to suffer anymore.
     
  9. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It sounds, unfortunately, like you have let the most important person reject and abandon you... and that is yourself. When you fail at something, do you take a lesson from it and modify your next actions to avoid anything that contributed to failing the first time? Life is about learning and about lessons. We all fail on our first try, unless we're lucky. Mistakes and failures are good though, if they are used as tools for learning.
     
  10. Ophelia1600

    Ophelia1600 Active Member

    I just recently survived a suicide attempt and it has been a completely different situation than yours. My therapist and psychiatrist got together. They both pleaded with me to be hospitalized. My therapist is making me come twice a week instead of once. My psychiatrist is seeing me every 10 days. They were both there for me when I needed them. I have called my therapist on the weekend and at all hours of the night. She is always there for me and never charges. I have been staying with a friend instead of going to the hospital and my docs confer with her weekly. I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm still suicidal and I still cut. I'm still depressed. My point is simply that you have not found good docs. I once had a therapist tell me he wouldn't treat me unless I stopped cutting. How stupid! The whole reason I needed him was to learn alternative coping skills. He's supossed to help me stop not see me afterward. If I could stop on my own who would need him. I once saw a psychiatrist to get meds. On the first visit I told him I had a suicide plan. I didn't feel comfortable with him so I never went back. His office never followed up with me. What if I had killed myself after telling him I had a plan and he did nothing about it? You need to find new docs. Recovery is a long road. I am nowhere near feeling ok, but I do know I can count on my docs. Keep looking until you find better help. It's taking me 10 years to get good help. It may take even longer for the help to work, but don't deal with people that want you to cure yourself before they will it help u. It's ridiculous. Good luck
     
  11. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I know I fucked up. I just wish I had been successful. I already feel like complete and total crap. Perhaps I am not worth saving. And no, I guess I didn't learn well enough because I continue to make mistakes. I guess this is all my fault anyways. So I really am worthless. I can't wait until I am dead.
     
  12. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I am so happy for you that you have had so much support. That is truly as it should be. Best of luck to you.
     
  13. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I think Ophelia is right, you should look for a better therapist and doctor. I saw the same pdoc for 14 years. We were very close, so close that he said he loved me like his own daughter. People thought that odd and maybe inappropriate but I thrived during those years with his love and support. Then I became severely depressed again and he started saying very nasty and abusive things to me. He couldn't handle that I had come apart again. He had developed such high hopes for me, as I was doing extraordinarily well when it happened.I was so hurt I thought even more about suicide. He just made things even worse for me. Even the doctor I went to see at the psych hospital agreed and told me to report him and stop seeing him. I couldn't report him because I was still too grateful for all that he had done for me and still loved him. I did stop seeing him though. It took me a couple of years but I eventually found another good doctor who gives me lots of support. I've been seeing him for 12 1/2 years now. We are not as close. We do not love each other but I've decided that is perhaps for the best because I don't want to ever be that hurt again. So you see, if I can survive that you can survive this too. Walk away from people who are not helping you and find someone who can. And always remember they are therapists, not your friends and family and keep a certain distance from them. Let it be a lesson to you to not give your heart to a paid professional ever again. Learn from it and move on, however painful and hard it is. I know. I've been there.
     
  14. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I saw my pdoc today. He has continued to be very supportive. In fact, he has been providing me with therapy these last 2 weeks and next week as well. I told him more today that I have told my T in the 7 years I've known her. The problem is that I can see T for free, but if I get a different T, I will have to pay for it and I do not have any money for that right now as I am unemployed and on disability. I am going to try and repair my relationship with T if I can. but if not, then I will look elsewhere with my pdoc's help.
     
  15. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you're going to try to solve the problem. Good for you. Don't let the therapist make you think you are a bad person who should just die. Get someone who doesn't make you feel that way. She can be replaced. She's just a therapist. Maybe you can find another free one?
     
  16. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    Exactly!
    As AlienBeing says, you should not give up. Dying and suicide never is the answer. Right?
     
  17. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    tharapists are pathetic fuckin idiots, dont let it beat you down. Ive neve rmet a therapist that even gave a shit. the - rapist..therapist. makes sense
     
  18. Senses

    Senses Member

    I've been in therapy for the majority of my life and until as of recent, didn't find someone who really fit. In fact I found two, because one is doing their hours for more credentials. Something that they both said, that really hit me, broke through my thought that there wouldn't be a therapist who could "deal with my issues" is this. They said that, every therapist has their ceiling. Meaning; someone can offer only so much. Once they reach their ceiling they cannot really go any further. That isn't anyone's fault, it just is.

    I hope that you will be able to find what is best for you and keep in mind that there are many other qualified, willing and able individuals who I'm sure would work with you. I'm glad that you are still reaching out despite the after effects and what has transpired since.

    As cliche as it is, don't beat yourself up. Wishing you the very best.
     
  19. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. Your responses have really helped. I had a great day with my 3 nephews and they reminded me why I want to be alive. They are awesome and I love them very much. My pdoc who I have also known for 7 years has helped me by doing therapy with me while all of this shit is going on. I have told him more in 3 weeks of therapy than I have told my T in the past 7 years. It might be time for a change.
     
  20. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    That's great to hear Lauru. I really like my pdoc too. Even though he doesn't do therapy with me because I have a therapist for that, I somehow feel more attached to him than to my therapist. I wonder if it's because I went through some really scary treatments with him there supporting and comforting me. In fact, after telling my therapist that, I read that tranferance can increase during a treatment that leaves the person anxious and dependent, so perhaps that's it. I've had so many bad experiences with pdocs that I keep expecting him to turn on me, but he never does. I'm pathetically grateful for such a small thing as that--that he actually does his job by being kind, supportive and nonjudgemental--wow imagine that eh?
     
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