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I survived....with damage...now I *do* want to go..

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Tia, Jan 22, 2012.

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  1. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    I survived an OD and i'm left with permanent damage. I was serious at the time - very serious- about ending it all.
    no matter how many or what I took, I'm left with permanent damage ... pain... organ damage which they cannot fix...and now I do have even better (or worse) reasons to end my life. I really do want to go now....why?....because i'm disabled from the attempt. Please....think twice ... if you want to ask me any questions...go ahead....if i can help anyone for the last time...i'd be happy....but please.... begging you here....think ...think some more... if you have a plan...extend it...please listen to the survivors...you dont always survive the way you think you will.. if you are lucky enough to survive, that is... i have also 'died' from anaphylaxis due to OD... yeah i've messed my body up real bad. now i'm 100 times worse than before. i cant have children, i cant remember anything leading up to the OD, im physically disabled.. i have organ damage..i have to plan my days around my meds ... i sleep all the time... lost my social life.... lost my job and my family.... i am so unhealthy and theres nothing they can do to help me.... psychiatrits can no longer help...nothing can...and its my fault... yes i was depressed at the time....but believe me, now i know what depression is..... stay safe guys. be willing to accept you might not come back if you are attempting .. you may be like me...sorry when its too late. now my life is.....well, i wouldnt even call it a life, .....im dead...just stuck in my helpless shell of a body....
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm so sorry that this happened to you Tia. I think that you should stick around because even if you are now disabled, you can still have a good life. I think this is good advice though for people who want to kill themselves, it's something that shouldn't be taken lightly and I hope that will help some people. Again I'm so sorry this happened to you and I wish there was a way I could take away your pain. :hugtackles:
  3. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you :( I won't prod and poke you with questions because you just made it out of a horrible OD. I can also understand where your coming from with this post - I'm sorry to hear about your organ damage. I guess your a lucky one to have survived even though it left you with even more damage and pain. :(

  4. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    thank you..dont be sorry.. was my own fault, i tried. and i believed....but from there...it just turned into downward spiral.

  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I am glad you are still here with us and I do hope things will get better for you. It might seem like I'm just saying that but I truly mean it.
  6. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    thanks Trevor. I should have gone..... I guess this is the 'punishment' im left with.

  7. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I guess it is but I wouldn't put it that way.. It just ended up as a back fire and your left with damage that can't be fixed... Hopefully you can get a little better even though that might not happen because of the severity of your organ damage... At least your updating us on what's happening with you. :hug:

  8. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    I think i can partially understand you. When i overdosed, i too felt only the wish to go, and in that moment, nothing else was important. You just forget about what can happen if things dont go as planned....I'm really sorry for your pain. :hug:
  9. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Tia, it's not a total loss because you learned about life. I'm a pilot and I know that if I get it wrong, I'm dead. Mother Nature doesn't make exceptions. I have to know what I'm doing. That mountain is hard as a rock everytime. That thunderstorm is violent everytime, no exceptions.

    My mom took her life and that was a result of not being able to learn enough about life to overcome her thoughts about it and her failures. She never realized her innate joy and kept looking outside self for happiness and relief.

    In your words I hear your intelligence and sobriety and compassion for others. The lessons taught to us are harsh but necessary to collapse our beliefs systems and make us face life often for the very first time. Only then does compassion arise and we realize that everyone is suffering their misunderstandings of life, creating their own problems, and anxious to get this confusion to stop. That you can turn your experience into a beacon of light for others, giving your life meaning in a life positive way.

    My mom's life didn't offer that light because she wasn't a light unto herself. She left her loved ones dazed and confused and of all those affected by her death, I'm the only one that transcended it but it took a long time to figure it out. I never judged her but wondered how she could do it. It wasn't until I learned about my own mind that I could emulate her's and see that the mind decides against life, not the being. The mind has to build up momentum to reach the focus needed to die and most moments day in and day out aren't like that. With how much thought is given to death, it seems rare that the momentum is there to do it. Seems like most people talk about it, and few do it. So there must be something deep in us that is life positive and to me it's worth finding out what that is...much more interesting that trying to find ways to end the miracle that is life. No judgment there, just my personal experience in my own life. Living is great....thinking about life is a living death.
  10. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say, but I am glad that you made it through because you seem like a really cool personality and I'd bet that those in and around you are very happy to have you around to enjoy such great company. I hope that things get better and that you begin to feel more comfortable with your situation. I'm not sure what I would do, but I doubt that I'd handle it with as much success as you.
  11. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Thanks for posting that Tia - stay strong & remember you have internet chatrooms to chat to people as well as here - tc Tia - Nick xXx
  12. box_of_paperclips

    box_of_paperclips New Member

    I cant empathise, I was half an hour away from irreversible organ failure. But I sympathise and know all too well I too could be disabled.
    Stay strong! Try cognitive behavior therapy, finding it much better than psychotherapy. Im writing this whilst still in hospital, liver and kidney failure.
    My thoughts are with you x
  13. skyway

    skyway New Member

    Tia I'm right there with you - I broke over 14 bones and have over 18 surgeries in teh last 15 months because of my attempt. I will never walk the same and will never be "pain free". I too think it's a little bit of that "fuck you, you failed" karma - but what can we do?
  14. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    I am disabled but not from an OD attempt. Just the way my life turned out. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought about it. My bills are a mess. But I wouldn't take my life. I've actually done more with my life being disabled than I did before. I just published two books and am about to finish a third one.

    Love, it's not the end for you because if it were, you wouldn't be here. Choose life. Please.
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