I think God made a mistake...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wanderlust3, Aug 19, 2015.

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  1. Wanderlust3

    Wanderlust3 New Member

    My mom was 16 when she had me and my "dad" told me when I was 27 that he isn't my biological father. This happened when my mom caught him with the neighbor and I was awakened at 7am with the news-- I was also 8 months pregnant at the time . I never found an answer to WHY it was such a secret because my mom is a bit out there and if I bring it up then I have no cntact with them for months.
    I met my bio father who decided a 3rd time that he didn't want me in his life and so that's that. Having that secret kept me from having any relationships with ANY extended family members which means no one talks to me.
    After the break up of my "parents", my dad that raised me figured he did his job I guess bc I have no contact with him- although he and my husband talk regularly. And sometimes meet for breakfast on Sunday's that I'm left out from. My mother will go and has gone years without speaking to me or inquiring about her 3 grandkids.... She always blows me off-- even on my bday or anniversary no one calls.
    My childhood is full of memories of abuse and fear. I walked on eggshells and attempted suicide twice in my teens. Nothing changed.
    Guess what else I did? I married a man just like my dad-- but worse. Verbal abuse and mind games leading to physical altercations at times. I'm now 36 with a handful of autoimmune diseases, physical pain and 3 kids I could never support if we divorced.
    I have nothing. My husband holds the bank account in his name as he tells me it's HIS money that HE worked for. I have to ask for money to buy milk, at 36. How more degraded and humiliated can I feel? He holds that all over my head with a sly smile but living with him is even harder given his entire family including myself and our teenage believes he has a mental disorder but according to him, he's perfect and doesn't give a ---- what it does to any of us. I go days without gas in my car and have developed such anxiety at the first hint of tension.
    No friends --- they always turn back into aquaintances from the habit I have of isolating myself. My husbands family knows how he acts-- he's charming and wonderful to outsiders but not in his house.
    I am treated as a maid -- it's my "job" to cleanup after everyone and have this hellhole spotless.... He won't discipline the kids and if I do, depending on his mood, he will tell them to ignore me and just to walk away from me. The 2 boys have zero respect and say what they want and all I have is my 9yr old daughter.
    She is the only thing keeping me here-- the only person I'd devastate by suicide and lately it feels like that love still isn't enough.
    I really think I was made a mistake and should t be here. I look back at my life full of physical and mental and emotional anguish.... I survive day to day and it's a struggle just to smile...
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    you are not a mistake, my dear. You are an abused woman who was abused all her life. your husband does sound like a classic abuser. They generally follow a pattern of making sure the wife is isolated and does not feel any personal power. Considering you were abused all your life, this was likely pretty easy to do. Although none of this speaks about WHO you are. It only speaks to who they are. From your words I am thinking you are the furthest thing from a mistake. You sound like a good person who has had tremendous challenges regarding parental figures and then of course the husband you were drawn to. Some people say that often we chose our boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife unconsciously as opportunity to heal primary relationships. That means that we choose someone who is like the person who hurt us a lot. This is NEVER the fault of the person who has been hurt. Never ever. But I would ask you if there is any way you can find counseling. Even if it is calling a womens help center ( to see about phone help) if you cannot get out to go to a counselor. The way out is through help. Even if you feel like you are stuck there. I can promise you that you are not a mistake. I can read in your words that you are a good person who has been very hurt. And who continues to be hurt. This is not your fault. I promise you that.

    Do you think there is any place you could call to get help? Even if it is a womens help line? Because you deserve to live in a safe place without people who reject and harm you. You deserve that :hug: :flowers:
     
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