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I think i am an abuser and i can't control it

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New Member
After many years of trouble with girls and being depressed and angry i finally realized that I think i am an abuser mixed with other mood disorders. I don't mean to do it and sometimes my mind won't let me stop thinking horrible things, but yet i can say things and act in ways that must cause horrible emotional stress on my loved one especially girlfriends.
my first relationship started when i was 17 and it was good until i went to college. I became extremely jealous and controlling. I would never hit her but threw and broke a lot of things. I caused a lot of emotional stress on her and obviously she broke up with me. i said things that i don't even know a reason for.
Now i am 23 and in another relationship. it started off well but then again i started becoming very jealous about her past boyfriends and always wanting to know where she is. Now i am not as bad as i used to be because i really try to control my outburts which i do. I am holding it all inside and that's not good either. I am now completely depressed and the only thing that makes me feel ok is if she is jealous or she feels bad. It's so sad that that's the only way for me to be happy. I can't just be happy for her when she accomplishes something. That's how i want to be.
Now i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me here, but us abusers have it horrible as well. obviously they shouldn't take it out on someone, but they really can't control it sometimes. I can't stop thinking.
My mother was a very overprotective mom and at points ridiculed me and made my feel guilty about doing things. Now i trying not to blame her but i now see myself acted towards my girlfriend the way my mom treated me. I literally hate my mom and everyone says how great she is and everyting but i really know her and she sucks. Her parents were like that to her too and this really scares me if i have kids one day. I need to change my ideals fast cause i do not want to live like this and i'm sure no one will want to live with me. any advice would be helpful
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SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Not knowing your location I can't say what community mental health resources might be available to you, but you should start looking - the phone book would be a place to start. We have, in our small Ohio town, a place to call to FIND the resources if you have no idea where to look. That's useful. We have a battered womens' shelter and the agency that runs it is also hooked up with our local mental health agency, tho the shelter agency does offer its own programs and mental health/victims-and-abusers-type resources and counseling, etc. They have a program called Another Way for abusers convicted of domestic abuse or referred by other agencies or even self-referred. Perhaps your area has these kinds of mental health and safety agencies/resource.

Start looking for the help you need. Counseling of some sort could be very helpful for you and those people with whom you interact in a close personal manner. Yes, I know that the abusers have problems too - obviously - or they wouldn't be abusing others. Abusing others is a coping mechanism of some sort, and too often, abusers were themselves abused in some way. Some who were abused or grew up in grossly dysfunctional families 'outgrow' it or rise above it, but most do not. To them, abusive behavior is normal cause that's how they grew up. Sad sad sad.:sad: It doesn't have to be this way. Your asking for help is the first step.:smile: Take that step and break away from your past and your abusive behaviors.:smile: It'll be good for you and everyone around you. I commend you for recognizing the problem. Now go start looking for the help you want. YOu'll find it if you look hard enough, I'm sure.

best of luck to you,:smile:

Hun having thoughts is one thing but acying on them is another thing, the only thing i could suggest would be to find a way of stress relief working out is very helpful for this, you need to find a way of calming down, to relax, apart from that all i can really suggest is anger management, I had a violent father, and i consider him a %#&$@#@$&$@# GRRRRRR! (best not get into that lol) dont let that happen to you hun, i can see your willing to get help before it gets worse otherwise you wouldn't of asking for it here would ya, the best thing i could say is to look into anger management

vikki x
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I agree with the both of them. I am sorry I can't get into this subject, because of past, too upsetting......anyway....glad you found the forum, I hope you get what you want out of it, and I pray you find help hun.


I can identify with your problem. When I get angry I often times keep talking and saying hurtful things because I have no control over it. Like you, all I want to do is make the other person feel as bad as I do or worse. Even if that person did not mean to make me upset in the first place I feel the need to bring him or her down to where I'm at. I had a stepfather that was verbally abusive, and I know thats why I am this way. Of course, it only creates more problems and afterwards I am left with guilt and anger towards myself. I'm just now taking the steps I need to take to end this cycle of abuse (so many ruined relationships later). I finally found someone that I cared for enough to actually do something about it. Now I fear it may be too late...but I won't find out until tomorrow whether he still wants me in his life or not. I told myself I would not do this to him, I told myself that I wouldn't ruin this relationship with this man who I feel is the best thing that ever happened to me. But I may have anyways because I didn't get the help I needed soon enough. If it turns out that he wants nothing more to do with me I will try to look at this as a learning experience and continue to seek help. It doesn't pay to hold it all inside. Eventually it has to come out, so you may as well do it the right way: by talking to a counselor, or the like. I hope this post has helped.


Antiquitie's Friend
Since you are a new member, WELCOME!! and GOOD that you are looking inside of yourself for answers. Too many of us wait too late to resolve our own issues.

The advice from least, above, is dead on...start in your community. But, if you have other resources, theraphy included it would be a good idea to investigate. I know when I am not stable on my medications, I will be more violent, pick fights and say emotionally improper things. :mad: This "problem" that you identify can be very detrimental to your future. That was true for me, I did not know or identify. :sad:
You may have a need for behavioral (talk time), or may just need pdoc (psych dr) care for anti-depressants. Either way, I too say good going that you face it head on. We must stop the cycle from continuing on. :smile:


New Member
Hey thanks everybody for the advice. It's really nice to know that there are people out there that will take the time to help you. I am actually in therapy right now and it's kind of moving along. I have been to about 8 sessions or so and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i really don't want to go on meds, but i thinking i might since nothing else seemed to have worked. The one thing that scares me is that if i go on meds i will probably have to take a very large dosage because of the recurring and obsessive thoughts that i have. ( this is what my therapist said) So that scares me, but it does seem like this is what i may have to do. Does any one know anything about medications?
I was kinda violent as a young chiled *because of bullying, abuse abd a chemical imbalance in my head) They placed me on a low dosage of Risperdal, which is a dolpamine. They may put you on a dolpamine, as it corrects affressiveness and chemical imbalances.

You're mother was overprotective?? How was she?? Like how was she overprotective?
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