I Think I Am Going To Start Writing My Note

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    It's getting to be that time.

    Winter will soon be upon us, and the unresolved issues of my parents will continue to haunt me.

    She will be asking and demanding more of me, than I can give, seeing as how I can't do anything until at least Jan 1. And even then it will be extremely difficult at best.

    I havent talked to her in a long time now. She has stopped calling me. I think she knows she is on her own.

    In the meantime, I know I dont want to die, but when faced with an insurmountable problem that will rise up before me, there may be no other way.

    I keep my faith though. And I will pray more on this. Because the only one that can assist with all of this is, Him.

    And if I should be forunate to be blessed with another miracle, I just hope my mind is concious and clear enough to recognize it.

    Still being plagued with a cough that I have had since July. I am also have other physical issues now that are in play, that seem to indicate that I am truly falling apart.

    I have days when I wish I had never moved back home with my family.

    I get zero support from my wife with regards to my music. And while my son thinks it's cool that his dad plays drums, he wont come and see me play. The only one who did was my daughter, and even she has stopped going to church.

    We fight over money issues most times. She gets upset at me when I get stressed with my money. Well a 260.00 cell phone bill and a 370.00 cable tv, internet and landline phone bill, will do it.

    I look at myself in the mirror and I am a disgusting fatbody. And I still sin with regards to porn.

    But...I haven't drank.

    Will start that sooner than later, I suppose.

    So yep...time to start on that letter.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't start that letter. :hug:

    I know things are really getting you down right now. But you've fought hard and made it so far, and no matter what happens, you can make it even further. Don't let yourself project on what might or might not happen in the future. Do your best to focus on what's happening now.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    As Christians we know that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." I'm a sinner but with God's guidance, I'm sinning less. In 1995, my father died and that is when I asked God to be my dad and to raise me. I was 38 years old at the time. I had also attempted suicide earlier that year.

    Since that time I have crumbled completely many times and God walked with me through all of it. He did not take away my problems, rather he stayed with me to guide me through it and I learned from it, and I gained more maturity with learning. Many times a bible scripture would come to mind, or I would feel the Holy Spirit reminding me that God is there.

    He also taught me that my depression has a physical source and that I need to work a program for myself. Once I accepted that, I could do what I need to do to keep from sinking too low. I know I have to take my meds and I know that I can't take on too much.

    Some of the services you have, phone bill etc, you can modify so others can't run the bill up. I have my telephone set up with no long distance. My phone bill is always $22.00 a month. The cell phone I got for my daughter is a pay as you go. I got one with lifetime double minutes (online) and when she wants more minutes she has to earn money to get another card. This way she has to learn how to manage it and I don't have that weight on my shoulders. These are beginning steps you can take to lighten the load.

    Start small and keep posting here. Sometimes things fall apart and as hard as it is, sometimes it is better when it does fall apart, sometimes it is needed to get the load off of your shoulders.

    Please keep posting here. I have prayed and asked God to help me with words to tell you so you can find the relief that you need.

  4. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    My problem is that I worry too much about crap that hasnt even happened yet, or may not happen.

    I know I need to take it day by day.

    This past year was the most traumatic of my life. I think my mind is still in recovery mode.

    Anyway, when that day comes, at least I can take some comfort in knowing that my kids are old enough. They should be alright.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    In the past, I have been a person who worried too much. I learned to say, "98 percent of all worry, is just that, worry," every time I worried until I saw the truth in that statement. Sometimes, my old worry habit comes back and I say that statement again as I need to.

  6. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I was touches by what you wrote, and more how you said it. You write well. There're passages that are poetic. Stay with us, I'd like to read you again.
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks, I do like to write.
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You cant do anything about the future cuz it hasnt happened yet. You cant do anything about your past cuz it has happened and it's stuck there. The only thing you can do anything about or need to worry about is today. I think you should write that letter but put a different twist on it. Write it to yourself. Write down all the things that you are worried about, anxious about, scared about, all the things that are swimming around in your head. Then fold it up neatly and tuck it away in your wallet. Then once a week take it out and read it. As each week passes and you make it through yet another worry or fear put a check beside it. At the end of the season, take it out and see how many times you wasted worrying about something that you made it through. I think you'll see exactly what the rest of us see. A guy who is overwhelmed but always seems to get past the issue of the day. You're a fighter so when things get to much, get to your corner, take a breather and come out fighting again!!!!! Ya know ya wanna (lol).
  9. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Yes, but even a fighter knows he is defeated.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ahhhh.... he knows WHEN he is defeated. You are far from it hun. You keep posting here looking for help and support, you keep giving others help and support and you make it through one day at a time. You arent defeated YET so keep reaching out. We'll help you through this. Just think of all of us as your trainer in your corner when you need to step out of the ring for a few minutes. OK, now slip the mouth piece in... low left to the nether regions and go go go!!!
  11. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Seems like a great idea, so many times when we feel down we just can't see clearly, and a lot of stuff that seems impossible to deal with or resolve, we find out later on that it wasn't as bad as we thought.
    So please Bill, if you're going to write a letter, do this one that itmahanh suggested. You seem to be such a nice, positive person, please reconsider.
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