I think I can finally say I hit rock bottom.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by houseofcards, Jun 26, 2012.

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  1. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    My AAP's havent been working for the past 3 weeks and I finally weened myself off of them, with nurse practitioners permission. Well, here's a twist to my story. My nurse practitioner told me she wants to stop seeing me and referred me to somebody else, who I can't see until July 3rd. My mom called today after bringing me home from the psych er room and they might be able to squeeze me in on Friday.

    What the fuck is the meaning of life? It's this - to WAIT. and WAIT. and WAIT some more.

    I can't wait and wait and wait. You know those people who are on bathsalts and eat peoples faces? You know those schizophrenics who kill police officers and moms and dads and children because they thought they were aliens?

    That's where I'm heading. I wouldn't wish for anybody in the world to have active psychosis that is as bad as mine. Maybe yours is worse, I don't know and CBA to judge, but mine is pretty fucked up right now.

    Besides, there's nothing left for me to do here. I lost my boyfriend, I lost my sanity, I lost virtually all of my friends, People call me batshit crazy all the time, A FEW people in chat are rude inconsiderate assholes and blame me for my problems and ostracize me. I won't make it in the "real world", the easiest way out is to do it with my own hands.

    So thanks, thanks for "supporting" me. thanks for "being there" when you talk about playdoh and bellybutton lint. Thanks for wallowing in self-pity in triggering and getting offended when I want to talk about TRIGGERING subjects - the room where I'm pretty fucking sure I belong.

    Anyways, that's enough. I won't be here much longer so I honestly don't give a shit if you reply on this post negatively. Just remember me as a person who loved to keep chat active and full of random odd topics.

    Some of you have truly impacted my life and I love you guys that have.
  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Do not despair.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun sorry you are so low hun and no y ou should not have to wait to get help. Dam it eh you go back to hospital and tell them you need to get help or you will not be responsible for what happens and see if you can stay a few days until you are stable hun I wish i was there hun i wild take you myself and you would not leave until you had help you needed to stabilize Go back to emerg if necessary again and again until they get it right hugs
  4. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    I have crisis at my house right now, talking to a social worker and a peer support worker. They're trying to get me into their crisis unit for a few days, but it might take a day or so to wait for room to open up. All hospitals in the state are currently full so this is my best bet. I just hate being so alone and helpless :(
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Just read your post Rianne. I hope that you are alright.

    I hope you rre able to get the help you need. Going to the crisis center will be a good experience, and I hope you get the help you need.
  6. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, house.

    Talk some more. You're an intelligent person. Tell us what's going on, buddy. I care.
  7. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    My mom callled my new med management place and the receptionists will be calling people seeing if they'll be showing up or not. If they don't, I'll be taking their spot. In the meantime I've been researching meds that I haven't taken that I'm WILLING to try. I have a big thing about this. I know nurse practitioners and doctors go to school for this, but I'm not an idiot. I'm not going a med that will make me do the thorazine or haldol shuffle, has a high chance at giving me tardative dyskinesia, or other odd bizarre symptoms. I have a list of 5 meds that I'm willing to try before I force myself to seek ECT. This doesn't help my suicidality, though. I feel worthless still, crisis is calling me every few hours asking me how I'm holding up, my therapist called and moved my appointment today, case manager is seeing me today - it's like everybody is trying to help me the best they can despite the fact that I'm waitlisted for a bed in crisis.

    There's my update. I'll keep updating until I get put on an antipsychotic. Thank you guys so much for being there for me.
  8. anikavaldez

    anikavaldez New Member

    i know how you feel.... i know that u dont know me but that is exactly how i feel right now
  9. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    :( I'm sorry you are feeling so low Rianne, it's hard to make it through when you are this point. But i guess the plus side is that if you are at rock bottom, the only place to go is up. I'm glad that you are reaching out for support and hope the crisis center can get you in. Hang in there :hugtackles:
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just checking in to see how you are doing R...know there are people who care a lot about you here
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