i think i can't go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lkt, Jun 9, 2011.

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  1. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    recently life has been playing a lot of pranks on me even i'm only 16 i already have to take the responsibilities of an adult, my father is a gambling addicted, and he always blames me or my lil' brother for his losses (even he just gamble virtually) and he do fights a lot with my mother, recently in one of those fights my mother was thinking that i was sleeping (when i was just pretending to in order to not get a beat up) she let it slip that when she discovered she was preg my father asked her to have an abortion, and three years later when my mom was preg again he did ask her to abort again, only marrying her and taking responsibility of we when i was already 3, then my mother got preg a third time, but this time he managed to make her have an abortion, since then i canĀ“t look him directly in his eyes, as if is not enough he keeps humiliating me in front of everyone, is feels like i'm being bullied by my own dad and it hurts a lot, as if it not enough me and my friends are drifting apart letting me more alone in this darkness that is it consuming me, and what is worse is that now i have no one to rely upon, i'm actually desperate and i entered this forum to seek help from strangers, i'm feeling the pressure increasing more and more, and if is not enough my cousin, the only one that i still think i could rely died in a car accident, letting me even more alone, my "friends" just talk to me cuz i sit near then, and is it just "hi" i have no one since my brother and i are on bad terms since we are born i guess, and mom is pressured with her work so i can't be a burden to her. Does someone knows what is to REALLY be alone, not to feel alone, but to be alone, with no one by your side, not even your family, i already tried to cut my wrists but the knife was dull and i couldn't end my miserable life, whenever i think of anything i see myself in a dark room where the walls are just gettin' closer to embrace yourself in darkness, does someone can help me see a reason for keep livin', why didn't i just "abort" myself which should be done years ago, why should i continue this miserable existence. even though i get excelent grades, even though i got a couple of girlfriends, even though people think of me as a funny person, i feel this darkness consuming me, i can hear it tellin' me to end this pain, i can see it around my heart, and i am getting close to embrace this darkness to see if i can get some peace, since at my funeral, i'll be just him, they will forget me in weeks, since they never saw me in first place, no one shall miss me, no one shall feel sad for me, they truly will think "thank god he is done for..." so as a last resort i will ask for strangers to send me a light, so i can keep up at least one more day, or to end this life that is just a burden to everyone
     
  2. DLBach

    DLBach Well-Known Member

    You are carrying a lot for one so young. I cannot even begin to understand your plight. I know what I was carrying at the age of 16 when I took a handful of pills to end it all.

    Having been in a bad place myself lately and finding this forum by accident all I can say is trust your instincts to be here. Let the folks here be there for you as they are there for me as well.

    It may not change the circumstances in your reality, but allowing those feeling the same things to be there for you can help with your thought process and how you handle those unrelenting circumstances.
     
  3. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    all my instincts are telling me to put an end to this, and sice my friends are drifting away, i can barely talk to anyone, nor has anyone come to talk with me the pressure are just getting stronger, i feel just like a dizzed boxer, one more blow and i'll be knocked out but this time i don't think that i will be able to get up
     
  4. DLBach

    DLBach Well-Known Member

    I hear you. However, you are here. Please, stay and give it a chance. Perhaps there are some on here in your area and they can reach out in other ways or have suggestions or recommendations.
     
  5. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    this get a despair smile on my face, i keep pressing f5 to see if i can get some words that can save me from this torment i'm laughing right now, but i never felt so desperate

    i just can't keep up, i thinking about how should i die, hanging myself, jumping from the last floor, cutting my wrists or my neck, stabbing' myself, overdose... somehow first i should write some notes but the words don't come when i try to make then
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2011
  6. stereoman

    stereoman Member

    You are very young, to have such a terrible pain to carry.

    All I can say right now, is to try and get by moment by moment, day by day... second by second if you have to.

    Sending you a light,

    G
     
  7. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    yeah i'm trying that, but i'm losing all of my hope, i've already tried to kill me 8 times, but i'm still here. When the pressure is too strong to me for burden i throw dices, every time i got a 7 i try to kill myself, i already tried overdose, cuttin' my wrists, hanging, jumping downstairs, and stabbing, but every time something went wrong, the medication was expired, so what i took was only sufficient to make me faint, the blade was too dull, the rope escaped, and in the stairs, mom left a pile of laundry witch saved my life, somehow something it's keeping me alive
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2011
  8. kapu

    kapu Member

    i didn't think i would make a comment here on anyone else's post, but here i am. I think you have a lot of empathy and understanding of people's feelings for your age. I know it's hard getting by, but you have to understand that your limitations are not absolute. You graduate from high school either next year or the year after, and then you are free to move away from home and start again if that is what you need. Things are hard, and they may not change in the current situation you are in, but you can go on. Look for opportunities and find your way through it. Things are not over for you by a long shot and judging by your keen sense of perception, you have a lot to offer people in the future. Just because someone is in a position where they are supposed to act a certain way doesn't mean they always act that way, and it does not mean that they are right regardless of their actions.

    Stay strong, you're doing well.
     
  9. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    it feels like if life has been delivering blows to me, and they just get stronger, i try to keep up gettin' stronger in order to endure this blows, but this last few months, i've been taking more blows then i can bear, these past two weeks were insuportable but i will try to hang on... I will came tomorrow if i manage to bear another day takin' these blows
     
  10. kapu

    kapu Member

    keep going. nothing is happening now that is set in stone. you still have all the opportunity in the world to do what you need to do and overcome this. there is nothing that is holding you back, you still have your freedoms as a person. that is very important.

    try not to dwell on it, do your best to make life as good as it can be. it's incredibly easy to succumb to it, it is much harder to work against it. but i guarantee you that you will look back on this and wonder what drove you to the way youre feeling now.
     
  11. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    yea, today my brother fell ill, now i'm taking care of him, he is ver sick, and i'm having a hard time dealing with it, just when i began to think that things were going to get better, life is hitting me again and again...
     
  12. DLBach

    DLBach Well-Known Member

    It has been nearly a week since you have posted in this thread. How are you doing now? Is your brother any better?
     
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