I think I failed on Purpose

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Samsara, May 17, 2009.

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  1. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    I don't wanna sound cliche or anything, but Korn said "You flirted with suicide, sometimes that's okay."
    I think that means that sometimes a brush with death can give you new appreciation for life.
    I've thought about quick ways and slow ways. I've put a gun to my head, beat myself (not with the intention of killing myself, just kicking the shit out of myself), and I've cut myself, sometimes with great amounts of blood.
    Clearly, no attempts were successful. I've never even had to go to the hospital.
    I just...needed to try I suppose. I'm not even sure why. Thinking about the end is a welcome thought, but also very perplexing. It freezes my brain. After trying it sometimes I feel refreshed.

    I really want to live because I know there's still happiness out there if I look for it, but sometimes I just wanna lay down and not wake up.
  2. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    It sounds like, in my opinion (i might be wrong) that you are subconsciously trying to either reach out for some form of helpful or attention (i don't mean that in a bad way) or possibly your 'attempts' are a way of for you to release pressure of some sort. If you don't really know if you want to kill yourself, then you probably are not ready to do so. You should find out about get some help, at the very least it may help you decide.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you really don't want to. Maybe you could share what's going on in your life when you're comfortable. There are so many wonderful, caring people here who are willing and able to help. You can send me a private message if you want, I will respond.
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    i think most people who contemplate suicide and then follow it through with an attempt are often confused and torn between life and death.
    thing is, its just as hard to be 100% suicidal all the time as it would be to be 100% happy and smiling 24/7,
  5. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    I agree withthis :) thanks man :)

    you other guys are so much appreciated too :)
  6. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Keep going strong and try to find another outlet than attempting, because as refreshing as it might be, one day you might succeed, and as you said, you don't want too, and alot of people here wouldn't want to see you gone either. It's good that it helps, but be careful, and make sure that one day you aren't successful.
  7. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    The ability to kill yourself is the ultimate control.
    "You cannot enslave a free man, the most you can do is kill him." - Robert Heinlein
    So the need to be suicidal is not necessarily the same as wanting to die. Unfortunately, either way you wind up dead.
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I feel the same way. When I am truly contemplating, sometimes I will come away with a new perspective. I haven't attempted yet... I've always felt that if I was going to do it, it would be a done deal. But I know many friends who have half-heartedly tried or tried thinking I don't really care if this kills me or if I live.
  9. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I can relate a bit, I did an OD and was surprised to wake up, but I felt a sudden high. Maybe because other than having the shits for 2 weeks no other damage was done.
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