for as long as i can remember ive really never liked my mom or felt any special affection for her at all. i always hear people say shit like "you better not say that about my mom" or whatever, you know what i mean. i just dont get it. to me, my mom is just another person, and a person i dont like very much at that. ive come to realize just recently that ive been right all along about not wanting a relationship with my mom. i can remember so many times where i told myself, "no this is the last straw. shes just an asshole and im never going to have a decent relationship with her" but then my dad and brothers and therapists and whatnot are always saying that if i want to feel better i have to like my parents. i know thats bullshit and ive been markedly less suicidal since ive started completely ignoring my mom and not trying to have any relationship with her. since i never really had a good relationship with her i really dont feel any kind of void or anything that im sure people feel when they love their mom and then she dies. i just feel nothing for her, and i would be perfectly ok if i never talked to her again. but i think its really fucking up my relationships with everyone. i find myself unable to really open up to any other males. ive had some really good friendships with girls where i have opened up to them, but in every case i can remember, i was interested in a bf/gf relationship and they werent, which led to them just completely cutting off communication and not responding to any texts, inbox, etc. i graduated high school in june, and i decided not to go away to college yet because i knew i wouldnt be able to get the work done due to my depression. so now everyone i knew in high school is away at college, and after missing the 2nd half of senior year cause of suicide attempts and psych ward visits, i really lost touch with most of the friends i did have. i still talk to them but on the rare occassion that i was actually invited to hang out with them there was no real connection, i never feel like it was even worth leaving the house to see them. im not seriously unattractive or stupid or anything but i know if my friends only liked me for that then i wouldnt want to be their friends anyways. but i just dont understand whats so weird or wrong about me that people never want to be around me or even talk to me. im a pretty fucking interesting person tbh just sometimes anxious in social situations and i refuse to conform in many ways.