With the events of the last few days, everything has just been building up on itself more and more with each passing hour, that as the seconds tick by, I feel that I am growing growing closer to a decision of whether or not I should cross that line; of course I know that I if I do, there is no way back - no second chances, nothing but my own actions that determine what will become of me. I am at a cross-roads right now, torn between these thoughts of anguish and despair, pain and sorry and uncertainty that are tearing through my mind like a torrential river in the middle of a flash flood and I am I am standing on the banks, watching it rush past me and wondering, for the final time if this is the time that I do not take a step back, but rather walk forward and let it let it sweep me away. My mind is a jumble right now; I am sitting on the fence, wondering if I should continue on as I have been doing these last thirty-four years or finally give in to what I what I have always thought about. I have not decided which course of action that I will take as yet, but my mind is not divided into two equal camps. 1/4 of of my mind is still holding on, hoping that something good will soon happen that I can turn away from this raging river and never have to look back, while the other 3/4 of my mind tells me with utmost certainty that that something good that I have longed for will never show it show itself. This anxiety and depression that I have been battling for almost twenty years has grown ten-fold and now I am unsure if I can keep it contained any longer. It is manifesting through me in ways that I cannot control within my mind and turning my own mind against me... I am not the type of person who asks for help, because I honestly do not believe that I am deserving of help from anyone, but just once, I do wish that I had the courage to speak up and say aloud those three words which just might bring about my salvation: "Please help me." But those words are too difficult to say aloud to anyone, too difficult, even to say in any internet forum. I know that a lot of people care for me on SF, have even gone out of their way to make me feel welcomed and special and those people (you know you you are, so I do not need to say any names) are the people that a part of my mind will be disappointed in more ways than one if that 3/4 part of my mind wins and I would feel so much guilt for letting them down if that part of me wins over in the end. But still... everyone on SF, from the moderators to the administrators and everyone else on staff who strive to dedicate their own personal time in the hopes of helping people and saving people from the inner torment that plagues each and every one of us, I just do not do not know what to say to those unsung Heroes; giving all they can offer and not asking for anything in return... I wish I was a stronger person, like they are, I wish I could help people the way they do... I wish a lot of things about myself that I do not possess... Time... how much time is left before I decide one way or another? Days? Weeks? Years? Time is not my enemy - it my friend. It is allowing me to continue, even now, to write this, instead of following that part of my mind which is urging me across the line. And, while I still have time, I will cherish every second of it until it runs out.