I think I have reached that line that one should should not cross...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Moat, Dec 30, 2015.

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  1. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    With the events of the last few days, everything has just been building up on itself more and more with each passing hour, that as the seconds tick by, I feel that I am growing growing closer to a decision of whether or not I should cross that line; of course I know that I if I do, there is no way back - no second chances, nothing but my own actions that determine what will become of me.
    I am at a cross-roads right now, torn between these thoughts of anguish and despair, pain and sorry and uncertainty that are tearing through my mind like a torrential river in the middle of a flash flood and I am I am standing on the banks, watching it rush past me and wondering, for the final time if this is the time that I do not take a step back, but rather walk forward and let it let it sweep me away.
    My mind is a jumble right now; I am sitting on the fence, wondering if I should continue on as I have been doing these last thirty-four years or finally give in to what I what I have always thought about. I have not decided which course of action that I will take as yet, but my mind is not divided into two equal camps. 1/4 of of my mind is still holding on, hoping that something good will soon happen that I can turn away from this raging river and never have to look back, while the other 3/4 of my mind tells me with utmost certainty that that something good that I have longed for will never show it show itself.
    This anxiety and depression that I have been battling for almost twenty years has grown ten-fold and now I am unsure if I can keep it contained any longer. It is manifesting through me in ways that I cannot control within my mind and turning my own mind against me... I am not the type of person who asks for help, because I honestly do not believe that I am deserving of help from anyone, but just once, I do wish that I had the courage to speak up and say aloud those three words which just might bring about my salvation: "Please help me."
    But those words are too difficult to say aloud to anyone, too difficult, even to say in any internet forum. I know that a lot of people care for me on SF, have even gone out of their way to make me feel welcomed and special and those people (you know you you are, so I do not need to say any names) are the people that a part of my mind will be disappointed in more ways than one if that 3/4 part of my mind wins and I would feel so much guilt for letting them down if that part of me wins over in the end. But still... everyone on SF, from the moderators to the administrators and everyone else on staff who strive to dedicate their own personal time in the hopes of helping people and saving people from the inner torment that plagues each and every one of us, I just do not do not know what to say to those unsung Heroes; giving all they can offer and not asking for anything in return...
    I wish I was a stronger person, like they are, I wish I could help people the way they do... I wish a lot of things about myself that I do not possess...
    Time... how much time is left before I decide one way or another? Days? Weeks? Years? Time is not my enemy - it my friend. It is allowing me to continue, even now, to write this, instead of following that part of my mind which is urging me across the line.
    And, while I still have time, I will cherish every second of it until it runs out.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I tried fighting it; I tried fighting it for the last twenty odd years, but nothing has worked. There have been sporadic moments where it has settled itself in the back of my mind, but those have always been fleeting and always came back with a vengeance, it has now come to the point where i just have no strength left left to continue fighting against it and have grown weary of the ever-constant battles with it. Now I fully understand what it means to be exhausted, physically and mentally, down to the core, and I am ready to sit down and let it take me over, because I just have nothing left in my arsenal to fight against it with.
    I cannot say that I really want it to win, after how long I have been fighting against it, and I certainly cannot say that what I am about to face does not scare me more than anything else I have ever encountered in my life, but compared to the never-ending anguish and pain spiritually and mentally that has plagued me for so long, I am ready to welcome the end, and I am somewhat glad that at last, the end is before me and I never again have to fight.
    Am I truly happy that it is about to end? I cannot say, not with complete certainty. Am I happy about how it is coming tat its conclusion? Yes and no; Am I scared? Yes - I would be mad not to be scared about what I am going to do, but twenty odd years of fighting, a few minutes of fear is nothing to the pain that I have fought long and hard to banish. But it is the only way and I know that no one will understand my actions, but it is enough that I do and in the end, what one person thinks is all that matters.
    There is no salvation for me, not anymore. I guess I already knew that, ever since I was a child, but it only took me until now to realise that. But that does not matter; all that matters is the end result. The end result... Why has a suddenly feeling of peace befallen me? I am terrified, but at peace with the World, if not myself. And in just a few hours, I will feel nothing ever again.
    And now, it is time that I started down that road. I will not look back, because I no longer need to. Here I was, there I go.
    I am glad to be with everyone; I am glad to have been with everyone.
  3. tandavid

    tandavid Member

    Are you still here?
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Yeah, unfortunately.

    Another attempt, another failed attempt...

    Not sure what is worse, before when I first posted the thread or now, that it did not work :-(
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear that you are still here, Moat! Clearly, it was not meant to be... You've got the rest of your life to take that plunge. Why not give it some time to see if you can't change your mind. Might it not be a good thing to go stop by the hospital to make sure that every thing is all right? Don't feel badly, many of us have been where you've been. And to feel that way - it's normal. But for now, just try not to do any thing too drastic until you've calmed yourself down and returned to a more composed state. At least, that's what I'd do if I were you! Take it easy buddy.:)
  6. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Y'ou've got the rest of your life to take that plunge.' Not exactly the right use of words there, but that is okay. :)
    Thank you, I have purposely decided to spend today at home in bed, rather asleep than have to be up all day thinking about the ordeal and I suppose that has helped a little, but it will be a while before I get back to what passes for normal with me, and although I do feel the wish to talk about it sometimes, I am thinking that I will stay out off the chat room for a while, even with all the people there who are online every day and get along with well, I am not confident just yet to face them and talk about it it - even though none of them really know what has happened (or anyone on the site, really), it still kind of feels like I have lost face and cannot face anyone right now over it, even though they all will know it is like and can understand... if that makes sense.
    But as far as hospital is concerned, no, after my past experiences with hospitals, it is definitely one thing I will not do; too many bad memories and I am not all that eager to relive them, even if something good comes from it. I am just going to spend a few days at home with the things that I have always enjoyed and put myself in the hands of time to carry me through me it.
    For better or for worse, I am still here.
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