I think I have reached that point...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jan 31, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I think I have reached that point where I should probably be calling crisis team. I wont though. 1 - because my parents are in and they may be able to overhear the call and 2 - because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know what they would be able to do.

    I was reading someones blog about her self harm, hospital admissions and thought while I was reading it. That is me. But the difference is she has managed to ask for help. She is also in a career position where if you have mental health issues you are made to feel as if you should know better and you should be more able to avoid them. It's stupid isn't it. She was admitted to hospital.

    I think I may need to be.

    I am going to carry on trying to hide it as much as I can. It would make me worse initially but then I know when I have had patients that have presented the same as I am doing I have kept them safe even if they are intent on harming themselves. My mind is playing crazy mind games with itself. I have 2 different people inside me. They are constantly fighting each other and it's breaking me down bit by bit. I have tried all day to distract myself...I mean, look at the number of posts on here I have done. I know I will let tonight. The thing that is bothering me is that these feelings I am having now are the ones where I have already decided I am going to get wasted and cut and then take OD's etc. I have no alcohol in the house luckily. Hopefully letting will help some.
     
  2. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Go outside in the garden or something, take a quick walk, make any excuse it only need to be for 5mins. they can arrange to meet with you whenever and whereever is necessary (i never allow them to come to my house cus of parents) ..jus tel them how ur feeling. u dont need to shout help down the fone (u can if u like!!) jus explain all the bad thoughts in ur head and they wil ask to come and meet u.
    If u r contemplating suicide then a small fone call cant hurt. even if ur parents found out...u r close to killing their son/daughter anyway so anythin is better than that.
    take inspiration from those around u like the person hu posted about getting help.
    honestly they want to help. there are people on the end of a fone right now waiting for people like urself to get in contact.
     
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm not suicidal. Well not actively. I think about it all the time but have no definite plans. It's more the feelings I have at the moment and the wanting to self harm. I have the house to myself tomorrow so I will call them if they don't go away. I will let a little tonight, smoke lots of cigs and take my last benzo.

    Will they really meet you anywhere if you need to meet up?
     
  4. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    yea pretty much, i think they like to find a room so any kinda health care houses or they always meet me at my local doctors surgery they book a room and wat not. they really are great for when ur feeling desperate
     
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I think I will wait and see how things pan out. I really don't want to be talking to someone who doesn't know me. I have a counselling appointment on Wednesday and on Friday I have to go to the A+E to have leg looked at in clinic. I will explain to them that I am really struggling with urges to self harm etc and ask to speak to psych medicine department and hopefully can speak to nurseman from there. He doesn't know me but I have seen him enough times now and I am getting somewhere with him. I don't know if he will see me knowing I have been referred to crisis though. It's so frustrating!
     
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    What is the point of hiding it? I mean would you struggle to hide a broken ankle, just in case people think your unfit?

    As for careers in which you should 'know better' than to get depressed - I'd likely just punch that boss - OK, I'm exaggerating. But if I did they would have themselves to blame. Depression is a biological FACT. We know the brain is a 'funny' thing - we can open up the skull and prod it and patients would recount childhood memories or smell something. We see chemical interactions in which the presence of some chemical can make us morose, unhappy or worse, feeling NO JOY which is depression at its mind numbingly worse state. A real kill-joy state of affairs in which you feel no joy in life.

    So set aside any fears that you are in the wrong for feeling how you feel.

    As for 'two people inside of me' - everyone has that to some extent - the good and the bad sides of us - constantly vying for top position sometimes. Its self doubt, manifested in a scary manner no doubt - but F*** them regardless. Know that all they are is a struggle that the good side of you will win. We fight this all our lives - times come when being bad is a temptation and opportunities arise in which being good sometimes lead to bad times.

    Put it this way - bad people don't have this internal dialogue. That you are struggling is good in that your struggle is for yourself - you want to be a good person whose life might be connected with others in a way that makes you feel like your part of this world and that you count.

    Maybe you should take a nice evening stroll - that worked for me when I was young and like yourself I was weighed down almost drowning in self doubt and insecurity. I NEVER felt as bad after a two hour walk believe me!

    Also, even if you feel no joy right now - you surely have things on a list that you'd to do or achieve. How about falling in love? I'm way too old for you but there will be someone for you out there who makes life seem worth living.

    Funny in a way but you could fall in love tomorrow and life would seem different. That said, for a young lady like yourself, an education is a wonderful thing and its not impossible that in ten years you might be the one younger workers come to when they are feeling down.

    In a few weeks we will have the spring upon us. I can already hear a change in the bird song - a more relaxed tune to the one birds sang in that awful snow and icy conditions.

    The days will get lighter - YOU will feel lighter and all the better for being here.

    But you really have to be here to feel better. You should talk to your parents - and if you need help then there are people here, especially other women, who will know just what you are going through.

    Talking about it will take a load off your shoulders.

    Booze IS a depressant.

    Forget about cutting yourself - try walking for two hours until THAT hurts. Then take a nice hot shower, grab some biscuits, hot milk drink, and make a promise you will talk to someone.

    My best wishes.
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I just feel like that about my job and course. We deal with quite a lot of self harm in my job (I am bank support staff on psychiatric wards) and I feel as if they knew about the self harm it would be a "you've seen so much of it here, you know where it can lead and what it can do, you should know better".

    All I want to achieve at the moment is passing my course. I am throwing myself in to it and using it as a distraction from everything else that is going on. I don't actually have anything else in my life. That's why it is so important to me to keep things under wraps as I don't want to screw it up as it is the only thing that is keeping me together at the moment.

    It's like I have this constant film going through my head of my own death. It's on all the time. I imagine different methods, then there is the act, I even think about my own funeral about who would be there etc. It's a constant. This isn't normal is it to be thinking about death so often? I wonder how often normal people actually consider it and imagine it?
     
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Do you think seeing it in your job is a triggering for you? This doesnt make you a lesser person than the one sitting next to you, we all hide our feelings from everyone, you never know what the others are doing and thinking.
     
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    The point is, they wouldn't think a broken ankle would make one "unfit" because it's a physical problem that they can see. People think differently about mental problems.
     
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've not worked since September as I have not been well enough to. Luckily I get a bursary on my course and have been living off that. I know I need to start doing some weekend shifts again soon but I am not sure if I am well enough. If I am constantly thinking about death and self harm can I really advise others on not doing? But then on the other hand it may be good for me going back. I am not sure. I can't at the moment while my legs are the way they are as I can't restrain if I need to not that I have never really needed to on the NHS wards but it's not really a risk worth taking.

    Also, last Feb when I had a bad manic few days after the break up I went a bit weird while working. I was overly paranoid and was having these delusions I was a patient and not staff and that I wasn't at work, that when I was chaperoning a patient for the doctor to assess that it was me he was assessing. They were a horrible few days where everything was going a million miles an hour. Luckily I managed to score some benzo's from the GP and that sorted it out and brought me out of that state.

    With the way things are and me being threatened with admission I am worried going back for one shift a week (as I will be on placement full time 9-5) may push me over the edge. I need the money though. Also worry people will pick up on my psychological signs. The counsellor and psychiatrist I see are both brilliant at that. They will say things about how I am sitting and say that I am doing this or that is it because of...and then the foot tapping and leg twitching.

    Mental health is still so stigmatised and although I am in that profession albeit part time, I don't want that stigma. That's why I don't tell people!
     
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I can see what you mean, do you have the option of a differant career, maybe one with helping children, I know Ive had many issues, many issues, but it makes me feel so much better to think that Ive could have helped someone by telling my story. It could be the same cause we all think how can you sit there and tell me this or that when you dont know how it feels to be me, then you can say but I do, and this is what I did to change that.
     
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    The part time bank work I do is not my career, just bank work to give me money. And being as though it's where my experience lies I can't get part time work with being able to do hours I choose whether it be weekends or late shifts etc I will stay on the bank and will go back when I am ready.

    The career I am choosing is social work. I will probably end up working with kids as the government has cut funding in adult social care. It is something I want to do in the future. I want to be a mental health social worker. But will have to wait and see how things pan out.

    x
     
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    sorry golden, weve talked about this, its a side affect from all the years smoking weed, short term and long term memory loss, lol.

    Im jealous, I would love to do that kind of work, Im going to try to get into the Department of Children Services when I can pass a drug test.
     
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Don't think we have to have drugs tests. I think they just assume that if you are going to do the job you are not going to do drugs.

    Do you work at the moment?
     
  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Yea, I work part time helping people that cant afford attorneys find forms for their cases, do alot of divorces, order of protections, and child custody/support/visitation stuff. Kinda interesting but I would rather do criminal work.

    Once I can do that test, I will look for a full time job, its time to go back and make some real money, if you would call it real money, lol.

    I know once you get into that kind of work you will feel appreciated and being able to help someone in those kind of situations would great, just think of all the lives you will save and help. Dont underestimate what your doing.

    Hope today has been better for you. PM anytime.
     
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