Four days ago, I had it all planned out. I had decided my kids would be better without me, I'm a terrible gf, and basically a bad person.
Out of desperation I finally admitted to a friend that I was depressed and just wanted to kill myself, I had never told anyone how bad the depression was. I started playing an online game and basically got lost in the game, I would stop playing when the depression was gone, but as soon as life got stressful or I was filling with the guilt I would turn back to the game.
When my BF left me four days ago, I hated the world, I was terrified to look around at the devastation that I myself had created. It was easier to just end it, kill myself and never have to worry about anything again.
It didn't dawn on me until yesterday that I have options, that yes in fact there is hope for me, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, baby steps, I wrote a list of everything I wanted to get done, I wrote down all my fears, I wrote down every single feeling I was having.
I'm still sad, yes. I still have moments when the pain of my actions make me want to just escape, but I give myself permission to feel the pain, then remind myself that it is that very same pain that finally got me to reach out and ask for help, I need to remember this pain so that I do everything humanly possible to never find myself in this position again.
The Doc's say it's gonna take 4 to 6 weeks for the meds to kick in, instead of sitting around waiting I've decided to start making the changes now. I made an appointment for March 17th to see a therapist, I started knocking off some of the things on my list, and I log every feeling, the time, and the weather outside. I also make sure to give myself credit (often) through out the day, every accomplishment right now is a huge deal, no matter how small the feat is.
I hope you don't mind me writing this here, I guess I just wanted to share how I'm feeling right now, maybe this thread will help someone else, more importantly I know I'm not even close to being out of the danger zone, so if by chance you see me posting that I'm ready to end everything, PLEASE redirect me to this thread!
Out of desperation I finally admitted to a friend that I was depressed and just wanted to kill myself, I had never told anyone how bad the depression was. I started playing an online game and basically got lost in the game, I would stop playing when the depression was gone, but as soon as life got stressful or I was filling with the guilt I would turn back to the game.
When my BF left me four days ago, I hated the world, I was terrified to look around at the devastation that I myself had created. It was easier to just end it, kill myself and never have to worry about anything again.
It didn't dawn on me until yesterday that I have options, that yes in fact there is hope for me, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, baby steps, I wrote a list of everything I wanted to get done, I wrote down all my fears, I wrote down every single feeling I was having.
I'm still sad, yes. I still have moments when the pain of my actions make me want to just escape, but I give myself permission to feel the pain, then remind myself that it is that very same pain that finally got me to reach out and ask for help, I need to remember this pain so that I do everything humanly possible to never find myself in this position again.
The Doc's say it's gonna take 4 to 6 weeks for the meds to kick in, instead of sitting around waiting I've decided to start making the changes now. I made an appointment for March 17th to see a therapist, I started knocking off some of the things on my list, and I log every feeling, the time, and the weather outside. I also make sure to give myself credit (often) through out the day, every accomplishment right now is a huge deal, no matter how small the feat is.
I hope you don't mind me writing this here, I guess I just wanted to share how I'm feeling right now, maybe this thread will help someone else, more importantly I know I'm not even close to being out of the danger zone, so if by chance you see me posting that I'm ready to end everything, PLEASE redirect me to this thread!
