I think I just need to vent my life for the past 3 years...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tempaccount, Aug 12, 2013.

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  1. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    I really don't know where it all started.

    I'm 21 now. Living at home. I have zero future ahead of me... I'm completely and utterly depressed. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!
    The doctor has Diagnosed me with Depression, Agoraphobia, and Bipolar disorder...


    Before all this started I was working a job and going to college. Then something happened. Mentally, I can't explain it. I went from being a very social and open person to not being able to hold a conversation or being able to leave the house without having panic attacks... I dropped out of College, lost my job.. Couldn't handle leaving the house. My car just sits there now... I've literally lived in the house and haven't left but maybe 10 times int he past 3 years. 10 times. I want to get out, I want to be normal, I want to go back to the person I use to be... But I can't handle it. Even on all these meds I take now. I just want to know what happened to me and why it happened. Why does an 19 year old just randomly snap? WHY?! I HAD NO REASON?!.... To be honest if my family wasn't here to help me I would have killed myself prolly when what ever mental problems were going on... I can't fucking explain my situation... I"ve been to therapists, doctors... I've been downed by my family because they think I was just being lazy... Eventually they started to realize it was more then that... I mean, when what eve happened happened I didn't under fucking stand it. I still DON"T AND I FUCKING WANT TO!..... It's crippling.

    Now, my life consists of me waking up... Laying in bed... And staring at the wall. Knowing nothing I can do will change the way I am now. I'm on the meds, I go to the therapists.. I think I realized the lowest part of my life was when I applied for social security and was approved... I was fucking approved and now get disability for what the fuck ever happened to me... WHY!??! WHY CAN"T I GO BACK TO BEING NORMAL??

    I honestly can't tell my therapist that I've been contemplating suicide or they'll put me on a 3 day watch. I don't want this.. To me as a person, going into a 3 day watch is lower then be accepted to SSI...

    I want to go back. I want to be me again. And I don't know how. Sometimes I catch myself thinking my own thoughts out loud... I've told this to my doctor and he thinks it's related to me being on Aderall for 4 years, which could be what caused my mental collapse at 19, but he doesn't want to tell me that... He prescribed me the meds for 4 fucking years.... Idk. I can't control myself from thinking my own thoughts out loud sometimes. You wouldn't believe how embarrassing this is... It's not just me thinking aloud, it's me not being able to control my thoughts as I say them out loud....

    So for the past week. I've literally been holding <edit mod total eclipse method> I really can't take this anymore. I mean I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't fucking want to be what ever has happened to be anymore. I can't take it. 21 years old living at home. I sit on my computer all day, maybe watch some tv shows... Doing nothing. NOTHING. AT all. And I want to!.... I've even tried.

    So idk... I feel like if my life keeps going in the direction it's going within the next month or so I prolly will end up taking my own life...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2013
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I am agoraphobic. I live on disability. I do not have many friends irl because they just eventually moved on. Or one is so negative I cant handle listening to her. I am A LOT older than you. And the agoraphobia set in when I was older. Although I have dealt with mental illness pretty much all my life. The agoraphobic tendencies were always there. I never knew what it felt like to have a normal good life.

    It has been my expereince that over the years the emotions are not as acute as when I was young. Maybe all those hormones calm down. I hope that is of some comfort. On good days I think that there is always the possiblity that things can get better. That someone can figure something out that can help. Miracles do happen. On good days I know I am supposed to stay alive. Because my life is not a mistake. I understand some other people dont think that way. And who is to say whats right? Not me.

    There are a lot of people who post here who will relate to what you write. I hope you can keep posting. This is a good community. It really can help people to not feel as alone. It has done that for me. I hope it can do that for you as well. I hope you can find some community here. So you are not so totally alone. I am glad you are here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2013
  3. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Hi,
    We're pretty close age wise. I too have the family house right now. Pretty doubtful on my future.

    I have a long rap sheet, but i have bipolar 1. I was working till recently. I lost my job after a series of bad mood swings.

    I was never a social person my self. I make friends from people approaching me. I don't take anything for it. The meds i tried made it worse. Which happens, you just need to give it time to find a good fit.

    I was 17 when i first realized i had issues to face. I can relate to people calling you lazy. It's not being lazy at all! If you have problems, like depression, even the strongest person has trouble getting going. It's not a personality fault, it's a medical issue.

    I'm not a disability. I'm trying to force my self through the pain to work.. Eventually. But that's me personally. I can understand if work is too much. Everyone can only handle a certain amount.

    If you tell your therapist you're suicidal they will help. Unless you have taken something and go to the ER. Or are planning to try, to the point it's beyond a "feeling" in the US anyways. They may be able to offer some advice, or medication. I've been on suicide watch a few times, but never more than a week.

    I'm spending my days laying in bed all day. Just staring at my tv screen. I don't like my self personally. But you have to understand these are very real problems. Not signs of fault.

    You're young. It sounds like they set in not too long ago. If you get help, meds, therapy, support. You can manage the symptoms early on in life, and get feeling like "your self" eventually. Or that's how i try to see it. But you have to be comfortable being who you are now. Easy to say, but it's all you can do sometimes.

    You want to improve your situation. That's a huge sign of strength. Don't give up, fight. It's the hardest fight imaginable.. But in the end, you can endure.
     
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry you are feeling like you are.

    i too hope you can come up with something that works for you- and in turn find a reason to go on, something you like, or what ever.... it won't be overnight, but i hope it's soon

    hugs
     
  5. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    I still have friends. A few actually. And they can tell something is wrong and it's really embarrassing... They swing by sometimes and it's just one thing that really lifts me up. But they are all off living their life while I'm sitting here trying to figure out a reason not to take mine... I seriously wish I could get my life back on track... I really fuck do.





    It's nice to see someone who can relate... I'm sick of being depressed 24/7 and when the Bipolar depression mood swing kicks in I feel like I go into the deepest of the deep ruts.

    Idk if I can be comfortable with who I am now. It's hard. I mean going for the person that would walk up to the other person and try to start the conversation, to now being the person that can barley hold the conversation even if being approached now.. It's just so much. Why is it so much...
    This may be kind of irrelevant but, how old are you?

    Thanks.
     
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF.

    I think the support given already covers what I may have said.

    But your life is still within your control - to a degree. It took my dad 3 years or so to get out of the worst of his agoraphobic stage - and he's in his 50s, but with the right combination of support, whether it's family, peers, therapy/meds/doctors - you can look towards the possibility of softening how the diagnosis affects you.

    If you have rants - there's a subforum called "Let It All Out" - deliberately for that purpose.

    Telling your therapist that you are contemplating suicide doesn't necessarily mean you'll get put on to a 3 day watch - being as close to as honest as you can will gear their support in directions that may be better suited. Missing things out can lead to misinterpretations.

    Hope you get the support you need here. It is a decent community of peers.
     
  7. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    I've told my therapist That' I've thought about it... Just not that I've actually thought about acting on it recently.. If I"m posting this in the wrong subsection feel free to redirect me or move this.
     
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    There is no wrong section to post in - moderators can move when necessary :)

    It's just a little bit of extra information for rants in general :)
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    you are actually doing great. This could be something for either area. you chose one of 2 equally appropriate places to write this
     
  10. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    How am I doing great? I feel like every day I'm moving closer to a black hole... And that black hole isn't letting go.. And the closer I get the easier it becomes to think about it.
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sorry, I didnt mean great in general. I meant great re posting where you chose to post. No, you are not doing great otherwise. You are in huge pain. Glad you asked so I could clarify. I do not want to be one of those people who ever negates the pain and challenge people are living with.
     
  12. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're still posting. Has your doctor offered any new advice?

    Depression tends to make it hard to go day-day. It can be next to impossible to face another day of it.

    Manic states, which drop into depressive ones can make it a lot harder. But you can learn to help limit the switches at least a bit.

    Prayerfully you have supportive friends. If they still drop in, they probably care about you. It can be hard to know how to help.

    Being less social seems common with depression. Just try to remember it's not a fault, that you can't communicate as well.

    It can be a lot of things. Lack of interest in certain things. Not feeling as much, so you seem less expressive.

    You can pull through. Fight for another day, eventually something has to change. I hope you find the strength to keep trying to improve. Keep us updated!
     
  13. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    What new advice can he give me other then "try this medication.." I'm already on a cocktail of meds that kind of make me feel like i'm behind a wall of what seems like no emotion... Mood stabilizers, anti depressants, Sleeping pills.. I don't want more meds.. It's more than just depression... If it was just depression I feel like it would be a walk in the park to get over. But having to deal with more then just depression it's just to much...
     
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. you have really been through a lot medicinally trying to make life better. Do you like your pdoc? Or would you want to try someone who might have some different ideas for medications? Maybe what you are currently on is the best for you. Or maybe there is something better out there that a new pdoc would know about. I know 2 people who go to a Psychopharmacologist. Both people have been helped by him. I have heard that psychopharmacologists sometimes can be better because they have more in depth training and understanding of treatments for psychiatric conditions. But even a second opinion with another pdoc might yield some ideas for different medication that might help. I dont know. But I am sorry things are SO painful for you.
     
  15. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    I've switched doctors 4 times to find the one I'm at now with the help of my family members... It's their opinion that this one is helping me the best.. Not sure what a Psychopharmacologist is but if I needed to go to one I'm sure I would have been recommended to one at this point..
     
  16. Tempaccount

    Tempaccount Active Member

    I've been looking more into this Psychopharmacologists and what exactly do they do to help a person? Hopefully you see this and reply back with more info.
     
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I think they have a more in depth knowledge than most Pdocs do. So you would be more likely to get the right medication. one that a regular pdoc might overlook
     
  18. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    God, so much of what you say is just like me. Im type 2 bipolar and often rapid cycle, ive social phobia and anhedonia. I was diagnosed last year at 42 but ive probably been like this since late teens. After years of being fed drugs i found a doc who was able to see what was going on with me. He used all those words you dont want to hear from a doc like 'serious', 'dangerous' and 'psychotic'. So my meds got changed, ive now been given about 13 or 14 different types of meds over the years.I hate taking them, they have removed my emotions. i feel no happiness to happy situations and no sadness when i was told my brother lost his unborn baby. So i stopped taking them a few weeks ago because i thought the depression would be a small price to pay if i was to get one brief moment of happiness. I was so very very wrong. I have never been as close to death as i am now. A guy attacked me in the street yesterday and i let him punch me in the head without any effort to defend myself, feeling I deserved the beating. At one point I hoped he had a knife on him so he would do me a big fucking favour.
     
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