I very much know what you are going through. If only we didn't have to bare all of this pain that our illnesses have caused us. I do hope that you try and get help, I'm told that things will eventually get better. I have learned that writing down what I want and need to tell professionals helps tremendiously. Then you are able to get out all of your thoughts and feelings, without the interruptions coming from your head at that particular time. I've even handed them the note, letter, journal, so they could read it so I am getting out everything. I hope this helps, please PM if you ever want to talk. kmj221