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I think I know the problem and I know now how to deal with it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TaraJo, Aug 8, 2009.

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  1. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    So, I was posting here off and on for a while. I admit, I stopped for a while to figure some things out.

    Yes, I made multiple suicide attempts. Two, acually. < Mod Edit Hazel: Methods > (well, gel caps, actually). Then, about a week ago, my phone got turned off. I was kinda without distractions and I had to put some thought into why I was so stressed and what I could do about it.

    I've started to realize that one of the people I was living with has a highly toxic personality and as long as I stay there, I will never be able to get my life together. With her, my life will be a series of emotional breakdowns that result in me cutting myself (my arm is covered in scars) and overdose attempts. I need to get out but, unfortunately, I don't have anywhere else to go at the moment.

    So, first things first. I'm going to check myself into a psych hospital. I'm going to get things cleared up for me there and, hopefully, when my emotional state is cleared up, they can help me find a safe place for to live outside of there.

    Anyway, just deciding to get out of that situation puts my mind at ease. Now I know I can get the rest of this together for me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2009
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello TaraJo, you seem to taking control of your life which can only be good!
    Good luck with the hospital and keep in touch when you can.

  3. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Thanks. I will.

    It's ironic; I may easily wind up homeless from this, but homeless is still better than where I was before. At least if I have to sleep unde a bridge, I won't have to deal with someone who seems to go out of their way to bring me down.

    And if I have to live on the streets (which I doubt will be for very long), that won't be perminant. I can get over it. I will get over it. Just takes time.
  4. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    Hi Tarajo
    you are very courageous!Be strong and hopefully this will be a turning point for you.Glad you shared this with us,and also glad you are ok!And I don't think you will have to live under a bridge.:huh:
  5. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Probably not but.... I dunno. Alot of people seem to think staying at a shelter like the Salvation Army would work, but my situation is unique and staying there would be pretty much asking to be beaten and raped. It really scares me..... it scares me more than living under a bridge would. And if they're trying to fix emotional problems, putting me in a situation that terrifies me wouldn't help, would it?
  6. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    if you go to a shelter,you should not be alone with anyone for that to happen.I don't know what shelters are like but I would assume there is security there?I understand your situation puts you in a unique predicament....but there must be measures in place to protect people in shelters.Don't discount that yet...talk to them about your fears. Choosing to stay out of a shelter on the streets..is far more dangerous.
  7. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Well, under ordinary circumstances, the shelter would be scary but tollerable. However, I am transsexual; because of that, they won't let me in the womens shelters. The mens shelters are scary because they have very little (if any!) supervision, unstable/dangerous people staying there and communal shower, bathroom and sleeping areas. No, living under a bridge makes me feel safer than that.

    Anyway, I am out of the crisis center. Bad news was that I was the victim of discrimination trying to get into the crisis center. Had to spend all day Sunday having breakdown after breakdown before they let me in (and that was only after the cops refered to me as "the shemale"). I think I havea better idea what I'm doing with my life now. First off, I needed to get away from the town I was living in because I was stuck in a downward spiral with some of the people there and leaving is the only sure way to get out of that.

    Also, I have a new diagnosis that I think I can understand and deal with better: Borderline Personality Disorder. When I read some of the info on it, I was actually surprised on how well that seemed to fit. So, as of now, I'm going to try to find a therapist who can help me with that, along with trying to get other avenues taken care of. I also have another friend who suffers from BPD and I've gotten some good advice from her as well.

    Life is hard, but it's better than the alternative.
  8. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    wow tarajo
    you seem to have a positive outlook considering what you have been through.I'm sorry about the jerk cops!So ignorant!I can see why shelters are a problem for you.I really do hope you find a therapist who is helpful,and that you can move somewhere where people are more open minded and educated.You will need to keep this up..but I'm glad you have let us know how you are doing.I hope you are able to move before you have to end up in the streets..you don't deserve that.
  9. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Wasn't just the cops.

    The doctor who did the intake was immediately ready to take me in. He had to see my ID which is three years old. As soon as he saw it, he knew I was trans and, suddenly, I didn't need the Crisis center. Yep; he didn't want to admit me because I'm transsexual. Great doc, huh? After spending the entire day breaking down, getting really desheveled looking and changing to a boyish shirt a different doctor let me in.... I think I got in because I didn't look trans at all. Sucks.

    You know, just the other day, I was in tears telling someone "I wish I could be normal! I wish I wasn't trans!" That's exactly what it's like for me; I'm an outcast to society but going back to being who I was before is a fate worse than death for me.
  10. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    one of the last major areas of ignorance and discrimination.But there are places where you would be less likely to have these problems..but what a shame you have to move to find acceptance.But if you must you must..so you can be happy and yourself..the way you deserve to be.And you will not have to stop being who you are for anyone.Your strength is Very inspiring.Your courage makes me feel ashamed of my own fears in life (and they are petty compared to what you have been through).
  11. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    I don't know if I have any more courage than the next person; in a way, I kinda feel like I failed at being a man. As of now, I'm just being me and "me" happens to be a girl, so.... yeah, I'm happy as I am.

    Honestly, though, my experience has been that most trans people come face to face with suicide. We usually reach a point where our only choices are to transition or kill ourselves (that's how unhappy we usually are as our birth gender).

    As it is, things had to get worse before they started getting better. I had a little bit of unemployment money when I got to Oklahoma City and had to use that to stay at the seediest hotel in the history of the universe. I went to a few places for help that I was able to go to before. The first one said I had to have a dual-diagnosis (as in a mental health issue AND a drug/alcohol problem) and the other said they can't help me because they ONLY help people with severe mental health issues and I don't have one. That was really stupid because I was sitting there with scars all over my arm from cutting myself and they say I don't have a severe mental health issue? I was desperate enough that my next options were to go take a bottle of sleeping pills and die, sell my body as a prostitute to pay for a hotel room for the night, sleep under a bridge or my latest option was to take a bottle of sleeping pills and walk into an ER ten minutes later and tell them; I'd have a place to stay for a few nights while they stabilize me.... but I'd be right back in the same situation I was in before.

    Well, just when I was getting desperate enough to catch a bus into a city that I've never been to to put myself in a house that I have a feeling would be filled with drama and far away from other resources, I finally caught a break! An old friend contacted me and is letting me stay on her couch until I can get my life together! Yay! So, from here, my next plan is to get a doctor who can prescribe my meds and a therapist who has experience with borderline personality disorder (my diagnosis). Like I said, I have a friend who has dealt with BPD longer than I have and she says her therapist has REALLY helped. The trick will be finding help when I have no money or insurance.
  12. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Well that's good. Glad u have a place to stay for a while. I hope it works out for you. And for the no health insurance... depends what state & county ur in. Well, you've got internet access so you can find out lots of stuff.
  13. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    I don't know about your state,but mine has sort of a "public option" health plan for really low income people....you should qualify if you apply in your state.Stay positive.:)
  14. I feel so jealous of your ability to remove yourself from your feelings and inspect what is logically making you feel this way. You are a very strong person. Congratulations on making your decision to better yourself. Good luck.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank god for your friend and i hope you can get help with boderline personality It does take a special doctor to treat this My daughter was diagnosed with this and most doctors didn't want to deal with her not nice eh
    she felt like no one gave a dam. I hope you get all the help you deserve. Keep fighting for it okay because that is the only way you will get it. You deserve help and your friend is a wonderful person for starting the healing process for you take care
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