i think i know when...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UsedToBe, Jun 3, 2011.

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  1. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    just need some more preparations. I already added the books on how to cope with the loss of a loved one by suicide to our amazon wishlist, updated the chores and weekly errands list.

    i'm not worth what i have. i need to leave.
     
  2. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    whats going on? talk to us here dont make any decisions yet, please.
     
  3. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    i'm a worthless piece of shit. I'm crazy about one of my colleagues, i don't think it's mutal, even though he hugged me and held my hand twice and he's not a womanizer. Nevermind - i just can't go on like that. my husband loves me so much and i just don't deserve it. he needs to move on, but won't leave me. guess it's time for me to go. i wanted to do it last year and i really regret i did not. By this now, all of my family would recover.
     
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to say that you are incorrect. I'm not sure if you've read any books with stories by people who have survived the suicide of someone they held close, but if the person was particularly close, the feeling of grieving does not go away after any period of time has passed.

    I once read a dialogue between two people in a suicide survivor group. One person asked the group, years after his daughter's suicide, "Does it ever get any better?" And another person who had lost someone close to him by suicide responded, "Not better. Just different." This group included people who had survived a suicide of a loved one that happened more than a decade ago.

    Suicide is not only permanent for the person who commits it, but is often also permanent for the people left behind. Unlike natural deaths or almost any other form of death, suicide is the only kind of death that is stigmatized. If you were to kill yourself, your family's friends and relatives would almost certainly have no idea how to react. They may avoid your family entirely because they have no idea what to say. Or they may say inappropriate and ignorant things about you and your suicide, succeeding only in making them feel worse.

    Suicide is always an option for you at any point, but it's critical that you make sure it is your best and only option. You have a family now, so your suicide would certainly have extremely serious consequences for anyone close to you. I'm not saying it isn't an option, but that it may be an irrational or premature one to choose.

    Both of your posts did not volunteer much information on exactly what it is that's making you want to kill yourself. You mentioned that your colleague is not a womanizer, but I'm not sure what you're implying by that. Are you implying that your current husband is, and you want him to leave you? And also that you think you'd be happier with this other person, and that you feel guilty about that? Or is it something else?

    Please, just tell us what's going on.
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    May I ask if you told your husband about your feelings? I think that might help. It may allow you to have a frank honest conversation about why you are not attracted to him.

    Why is suicide the answer? Why can't you leave him?. Why does he have to do the leaving?

    I will say you are better than most females. Most females in your situation would be in an affair with the guy. Be proud you at least realize your feelings are not moral.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2011
  6. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    i'm not brave enough to have such conversation with him - that's just another reason for me to go - i'm a coward and a selfish piece of shit.
    Can't stop thinking about the colleague - this makes me feel even more worthless - just want this mess in my head to stop, i wish my thoughts could shut up.
     
  7. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Jennifer Juniper lives upon the hill,
    Jennifer Juniper, sitting very still.
    Is she sleeping ? I don't think so.
    Is she breathing ? Yes, very low.
    Whatcha doing, Jennifer, my love ?
    Jennifer Juniper, rides a dappled mare,
    Jennifer Juniper, lilacs in her hair.
    Is she dreaming ? Yes, I think so.
    Is she pretty ? Yes, ever so.
    Whatcha doing, Jennifer, my love ?
    I'm thinking of what it would be like if she loved me.
    You know just lately this happy song it came along
    And I like to somehow try and tell you.
    Jennifer Juniper, hair of golden flax.
    Jennifer Juniper longs for what she lacks.
    Do you like her ? Yes, I do, Sir.
    Would you love her ? Yes, I would, Sir.
    Whatcha doing Jennifer, my love ?

    :)
     
  8. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    Thank you aaron. It.reduced me to tears. I don't think I'm lovable though. I'm a bitch. Next weekend I'm going to tell my colleague how I feel, then he'll reject me and that will be it. What to live for when even breathing hurts.
    I so want to die.
     
  9. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    I'm scared...
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can understand being a coward. So why don't you tell me why you like this co-worker of yours so much?
     
  11. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    Juniper I do not know where to start I really do not I will start by saying yes I agree with rocket one hundred percent I am someone who lost someone I loved through suicide it never ever ever gets better it hurts like hell and feels like a part of your very soul and heart have been ripped out and they will never return I spend every night when I get into bed crying because I do not have her with me to hold and tell her how much I love her and every morning I wake up from bad dreams with the same thoughts so much so that I have attempted my self 3 times since I lost her and my most recant attempt I allmost succeded I can not say that your reasons are bad and you should not chose this option as I belive in never taking the choice away from someone only trying to show them the other choice is there it is so much better and that there is so much to live for I wish I knew how to help you work through your problem all I can really say is that talking helps a lot be honiest about everything that is making you feel this way I bet you are a deap loving caring person who just needs someone to talk to so please please reach out talk to us we will listen and help you I promise that much.
     
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you sound so overwhelmed juniper....but please don't hurt yourself
    keep talking to us and maybe you'll find some clarity

    I've been where you are...it was either leave my husband or take my life..
    16 years later I'm still glad I chose to leave him

    on the other hand now I've lost my son to suicide and wish he'd taken me with him because this is a living hell, being a suicide survivor..

    speaking from both sides of the fence I can say please don't hurt yourself because you will leave behind so much pain and grief..
    the only reason I'm still here is so as not to cause anymore pain to my family

    you are not a coward or a useless piece of sh*t for feeling this way about your husband and colleague..

    have you considered talking to a doctor about your SI and maybe a therapist and/or couples counseling?
    just a thought

    please keep reaching out for help
    you don't deserve to die over this
    there are other options
    *hug*
     
  13. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    First of all I think you should talk with your husband first it's not fair to him for you to not want to be with him yet at the same time have feelings for another man and want to tell him. Telling him you feel for another man may be the wrong way to go about things but you should at the very least tell him you aren't feeling the same way about him as you did earlier in on your relationship.

    I understand being honest with your hubby is frightening as you don't want to hurt and disappoint him however if you truly do care about him and strive to make yourself happy you won't continue living the way you are.

    The way I see things there are two options to work on your marriage and give it another shot, or decide separation is the best course of action. Suicide isn't the answer, in any way shape or form. There's plenty of hope for a great future for you whatever you decide.

    You sound like you have a good heart I totally get that sometimes you just can't help the way you feel emotionally. Are species is human but still at the core we are animals albeit very intelligent and unique ones. We still have those basic mating and attraction drives, it is not your fault for having thoughts of another man, all you can control is your actions. You have not acted upon them and that is important I think it will certainly allow your husband to be more understanding if you do decide to go as far and telling him you are indeed attracted to another man.

    What about your husband attracted you to him in the first place? Has he stopped doing things or acting in a way that attracts you to him? Coming from a male perspective usually when a relationship doesn't work out you either have picked the wrong person or have stopped creating attraction(how he got you in the first place) and things have gotten mundane, dull and boring.

    I'm far from an expert but women tend to get more bored in relationships in general. For example a guy generally will be happy with the same repetitive sex life over and over however a woman will tend to lose interest and get bored if their isn't that variety, spontaneity etc. Women thrive on the spark, excitment, him flirting with you and teasing you in a cocky funny way.

    Your husband may not know you're feeling this way and may just be in the motions of life, doing his 9-5(I suspect).

    I'm also curious what about this coworker is so attractive to you?

    Do you have any children?

    People tend to want what they can't have. aka the grass is greener on the other side.

    I've read that sometimes an affair can be good for a relationship in the sense that it makes you appreciate more what you have at home, however I don't agree with that morally. I mean sure if you could just do it then stop and appreciate your hubby more and live "happily every after" it may be seen as not that bad if it did indeed benefit your marriage. I don't think that is the solution being honest with him and yourself is what will get you through this tough time.

    Anyways best of luck, don't be too hard on yourself. You can't help your emotions, you're not a bad person for losing attraction to you husband and having feelings for another man.

    Best wishes I hope some of my advice could be of any use.
     
  14. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    My co-worker?... I guess he is just... normal. Not even hot or handsome. Just normal... My life is so messed up at the moment and it seems I have no control over it. Why would I? I can't even control my feelings :(
    I have kids, yes. They were the main reason I stayed around last time.
    I started seeing my husband straight after ending an abusive relationship. I guess he gave me the unconditional love, respect and acceptance I never had before.
    Thinking of separating from the family so that they forget about me and don't suffer so much when I'm not around.
     
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    juniper I don't know - are you having any help with counseling, have you talked to your doctor?
    if you're considering suicide please seek proffessional help

    usually when someone thinks of having an affair there are underlying problems with the marriage..

    do you love your husband or know you don't want to be with him?
    some times problems can be fixed if both parties are willing to work on them together
    but it's ok to leave an unhappy marriage

    either way
    better to leave than to take your life
     
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