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i think i will commit suicide within 4-5 years.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wanttodie, Feb 7, 2008.

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  1. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I do not think it is possible for me to live like this.

    I have been humiliated, dishonored, ridiculed and treated like shit all my life.

    Now, after going through all of this, I myself have lost all self confidence and I see my death as end to all my suffering.

    There is no other option at all because I cannot destroy my past; As long as people who know of my past are alive, my past will live one as well. And I cannot live with my past. So its best that I destroy myself to rid myself of this overwhelming guilt and shame.

    But, I will not commit suicide now because I want to earn a lot of money after my masters(starting in august this year), pay off the debts that my parents have incurred and then I will commit suicide with nothing to worry about.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: im sorry you have been treated so badly all your life, i don't know what else to say :hug: you never know, things just may improve when you least expect it
  3. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    by that time you'll probalby have found a reaon not to die i'm not too worried:biggrin: Why do you want to do what they expect of you? you just want to let those ppl get the better of you without fighting back? If you want to kill yourself and you know who caused it, you should punish them also. Why whould you allow someone to fuck with your mind like that? after college all those ppl would disappear from your life anyway. i've tasted this kind of situation, this isn't the case anymore and thinking back I was angry at myself for letting them intimidate me. I hope you'll end up feeling the same. $0.02
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2008
  4. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    i will never ever find a reason to live.

    you can count on that one.

    I can't live my whole life escaping the real world out there and even if I then it means my life would be worse than death.

    People will only say negative things about me no matter what I achieve; I can't shut every one's mouth.
  5. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    can you elaborate on your situation? ( not convinced)
  6. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    myriad number of problems but if i could summarize my whole life in one word -

    " Outcast"
  7. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    i am partially to blame for my problems as well.

    i don't care what they would think if i die; if they perceive it as a victory of some sort then so be it.
  8. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    I c, well time will tell.... still hangon
  9. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I've been an outast most of my life, and while it was painful at first, I'm pretty much used to it. If I was included in a lot of activities, say at the bar or at a club, I would have to participate in a lot of inane, senseless conversation that would bore me to tears. I just want to be left to my own thoughts, even if they are negative.

    It sounds like you have a major reason to live so far - your masters and the moolah. Maybe down the road when you're in your chosen field, you'll have more reasons to live. Take care.
  10. kmi_x3

    kmi_x3 Member

    im so sorry. .

    if u ve been treated soo bad

    you should try take revenge , prove to everyone u can overcome all that

    u can shut every one's mouth !
    pls try it
  11. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    Its not just about being outcast. Its really the fear of being laughed at and ridiculed where ever you go. Your past being revealed to everyone.

    The only reason why I want money is so that I can pay off everything I owe to my parents. I love them and I do not want to put them under financial stress in their old age. But I don't think I will be able to handle this for too long. Its really ridiculous how 1 or 2 events so early in your life can almost shut every chance of having happiness in life. My situation is such that it will never improve, there are all kinds of evil people in this world who would love to hold on to my past so that my life remains miserable.
  12. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    i tried that and thats why I could gain my bachelors degree in computer science.

    But I went through HELL everyday.

    Imagine how it feels like being laughed @ by 1500 people on a daily basis in a huge college.

    It broke me down totally
  13. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Why the hell are 1500 people lauging at you everyday? What's their problem?
  14. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Well, it's a good thing that you have goals, even if the ultimate goal is for you to craft your own doom. I very much recognize that responsibility patos of yours regarding paying back the debts before you go. You've also bought yourself some time with that mindset, which probably is good - who knows what might show up and what turns things might take, right?

    I dunno what happened to you in the past. Something terribly embarressing? Accident? Something else? Guilt and shame are very heavy burdens to carry. For some personalities they're hard to get rid of as well, especially with constant reminders. They're also big winners when it comes to suicide.
    I have no idea if this is going to help you or not but for *some* it helps to think something along the lines of "what happened in the past and whatever ways it haunts me today doesn't really matter since I'm off soon anyway".
    Just a suggestion for a temporary ease.
  15. emptytank

    emptytank Active Member

    Sounds like my life's story, except the part about paying off debts and earning a Master's degree. My bitch mother wants me to get a Master's degree, probably because she will need someone to support her lazy, pathetic ass when my father dies. It won't be me. I'll be dead.
  16. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    I can relate also in part. I am just sick and tired of people treating me like crap and mentally abusing me for having severe depression. They don't even know how hard I have tried in the past and how hard I am trying every day to beat depression. They, even my family think I am some weirdo who is constantly depressed and unable to get out of it. If I even get humiliated by my own family, do I really have something to look forward to?
  17. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    see one thing I have realized is that there is no place for weak people in this world. Only the strong , smart and cunning will survive and they will do this by oppressing the weak. If any opf you have worked in a corporate office, you will know what im talking about.
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