I think... i wont make it

[M...]

High school is starting soon, for the second time.
Yes, I am the faliure who failed last year of high school because of depression, self harm, and suicidal behaviour.
So I am doing it , again.
Fear is controlling me, my anxiety is worsening, I am selfharming steady again, crying, maniac grins, seems like we r ready for a full collapse.
I have 2 paths to go down.
Wether I suck it up , get through this year, do well, and be a person I don't hate when I see in the mirror.
Or collapse under the pressure , and do badly at school, and end my life.
Mind my dear fellas, I don't get to pick, it will go down, the way it will, and only god decides.
I am a lost cause.
Worthless being.
I don't deserve my life.
I wish I. .. just go
Its not fair to make my parents suffer because of me.
It's not fair to use my friends to get better.
I will make them hate me, so that they don't grief after I am gone.
I just wanted to write this, I don't feel well.
No one has to say anything.

 

[sinking_ship]

You are not a failure or a lost cause. Your parents and your friends care about you, they would of course grieve for you. I'm sure they would want to help you.

 

[Grok]

Repeating something you failed should be viewed as strength and courage not failure. It's much more difficult that giving up.
It's a success to keep going, regardless of actual grades or scores.

I hope you fell better soon. It's never nice feeling like shit.

 

[Walker]

You thread title was edited for time line.

 

[M...]

You are not a failure or a lost cause. Your parents and your friends care about you, they would of course grieve for you. I'm sure they would want to help you.

I made my parents suffer enough. .
Same goes for my friends.

 

[M...]

Repeating something you failed should be viewed as strength and courage not failure. It's much more difficult that giving up.
It's a success to keep going, regardless of actual grades or scores.

I hope you fell better soon. It's never nice feeling like shit.

But that isn't realistic is it? I am afraid of high school, sth millions do every single year.
I am a faliure.

 

[Grok]

A lot of people fear going to high school, many probably conceal it better than you.

But I mean more that due to your mental state, going to high school is harder for you than the 'average' person, but you are still doing it.
Despite that it's hard, scary, and it must take loads of emotional energy to get through each day. Each day you do go is a success.
It's hard when you feel worthless to see that as a success for sure, but it is.

 

[Robster73]

As a parent who's child went through similar experiences. It's not your fault. It's not their fault. You love your parents and they love you. Do not forget that there is a big difference between actions and intent. Your parents have probably failed to communicate their intent, and model to you on how to communicate intent. This leads to misunderstandings. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame them. Where we are in this life has lots to do with the totality of their life experiences. Have courage and never forget to be who you are. Have courage and never forget to tell your parents who you are. You'd be amazed at what a difference that makes. They want you and need you to stand up for yourself and be who you can be in this world. They are here to enable you to be who you can be. You want them to also love themselves and be who they can be. Family and friends is a complicated team sport. Keep your dignity, be brave and let go of whatever insecurities or guilt you may be holding. Tell your loved ones that you have forgiven yourself and forgive them. You are the only one who can view yourself as a failure. If others have told you that you are a failure, that is just their negative communication style. You can decide to reframe it and ask them if they really mean to tell you to forgive yourself, since your loved ones will easily forgive you. Believe me, you are not doing them any favors if you think ending things will make them not suffer.

Love you! Stick around and your purpose will reveal itself in the course of time, truly it will.

You are enough. Don't let bullshit measures define you. You define you.

 

[MosesY]

You are an amazing person. If you look at how you are made, your different systems, all the blood vessels, organs, brain, you are incredible. You have the ability to reason. It is sad that you are going through this depression. It is a factor of the way your brain is working, not because you are worth less than other people.

 

[M...]

A lot of people fear going to high school, many probably conceal it better than you.

But I mean more that due to your mental state, going to high school is harder for you than the 'average' person, but you are still doing it.
Despite that it's hard, scary, and it must take loads of emotional energy to get through each day. Each day you do go is a success.
It's hard when you feel worthless to see that as a success for sure, but it is.

I ... I won't make it through. .
I will lose this again.
Thank you for being so nice to me, I am not worth ur time

 

[M...]

As a parent who's child went through similar experiences. It's not your fault. It's not their fault. You love your parents and they love you. Do not forget that there is a big difference between actions and intent. Your parents have probably failed to communicate their intent, and model to you on how to communicate intent. This leads to misunderstandings. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame them. Where we are in this life has lots to do with the totality of their life experiences. Have courage and never forget to be who you are. Have courage and never forget to tell your parents who you are. You'd be amazed at what a difference that makes. They want you and need you to stand up for yourself and be who you can be in this world. They are here to enable you to be who you can be. You want them to also love themselves and be who they can be. Family and friends is a complicated team sport. Keep your dignity, be brave and let go of whatever insecurities or guilt you may be holding. Tell your loved ones that you have forgiven yourself and forgive them. You are the only one who can view yourself as a failure. If others have told you that you are a failure, that is just their negative communication style. You can decide to reframe it and ask them if they really mean to tell you to forgive yourself, since your loved ones will easily forgive you. Believe me, you are not doing them any favors if you think ending things will make them not suffer.

Love you! Stick around and your purpose will reveal itself in the course of time, truly it will.

You are enough. Don't let bullshit measures define you. You define you.

My parents did all they possibly can as humans, I am a lost cause m I wish I succeed in my attempt 3 years ago, u r wrong killingmyself is the best favor in can do for everyone, people here included. What I am is a beast.
Don't love me, I have a purpose I am too weak to fulfill.
Thank u, I hope ur kid gets better 。

 

[M...]

You are an amazing person. If you look at how you are made, your different systems, all the blood vessels, organs, brain, you are incredible. You have the ability to reason. It is sad that you are going through this depression. It is a factor of the way your brain is working, not because you are worth less than other

Being flesh and blood, doesn't mean I am worth as much as others.
Thank u.

 

[MosesY]

Being flesh and blood, doesn't mean I am worth as much as others.
Thank u.

I disagree with that. Science has said that every snowflake is different. I believe every snowflake is equally beautiful. In the same way I believe no two people have ever been the same. Out of billions and billions of people no two have been the same. Even identical twins are different. They think differently. You are a unique person. I believe everyone has the same value. Everyone has a unique purpose and unique life. I am very sorry you feel like you do right now, it is a tough thing to go through. I wish I could make you feel better.

 

[M...]

I disagree with that. Science has said that every snowflake is different. I believe every snowflake is equally beautiful. In the same way I believe no two people have ever been the same. Out of billions and billions of people no two have been the same. Even identical twins are different. They think differently. You are a unique person. I believe everyone has the same value. Everyone has a unique purpose and unique life. I am very sorry you feel like you do right now, it is a tough thing to go through. I wish I could make you feel better.

Thank u, but nothing will make me feel better, I just have to suffer, over and over and over again, untill my mind can't take it anymore.

 

[Lara_C]

What I am is a beast.

Failing high school doesn't make anyone a beast.

I just have to suffer, over and over and over again

Why? There is help you haven't tried, like meds and therapy and talking your feelings through here with others who care about the hurt you feel. Do your parents have any idea how bad you're feeling, or would you consider telling your doctor what you're thinking and feeling? You sound very depressed and you have to realise that depression is a treatable illness which is making you think all these bad things about yourself. Please don't let things slide any further, tell someone how awful you feel and ask for help.

 

[PrincessPure]

I have been there sweetheart, just a few years ago actually. I have to tell you to find strength. Once you graduate your life will get WAY better. No it's not all rainbows and butterflies rn ngl, however you will recover from your lowest point in lie for sure.

 

[BarryW]

I will make them hate me, so that they don't grief after I am gone.

I have used this strategy before. The fact that you are considering their feelings shows that you have value.

 

[The Tigress ♡]

Never ever give in just because you feel bad. You have to trust your instincts. Put yourself first because you are worth it, trust me.

 

[Lac49]

I'm probably not the best person to be trying to help you since I'm down myself but I will try.

I felt like you do at your age and figured I would check out at any time. If I would have I would have missed out on a lot of great times. I have my Son and Grandson's and never imagined I would even get married. I ended up divorced after 7 years but her kids and Grandkids are also like my own to this day.

I would talk to your parents and get whatever help you can. Even if you failed high school you can still get a Ged and even go to college. I know it doesn't seem like there is any hope now but you are still really young and haven't even really lived yet. Get whatever help you can and keep going. I have had long periods where I went from suicidal depression to feeling great for years. Things can turn around that fast!

I'm probably older than your parents but if I could go back to your age I would be in the best physical shape possible, do my best in school or get a Ged and go to college. I wouldn't party at all, would be studying or exercising instead. You will get through this and have a good life.

 

[M...]

Thank u everyone for ur incredible kindness.
I don't believe I am worth it.
Like I said above, I will let it flow, I will give it my best, I will keep my spirits up as much as I can , I will give it my best, if I end up doing well, or dying, I don't rally care anymore.
Again, thanks a lot for ur wonderful words.
And I sincerely pray and hope, that everyone gets to be as happy and have enough peace of mind as they deserve.
Thank u everyone.