I think I'd like to have Crazy stamped on my forehead...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Lisani, Dec 4, 2011.

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  1. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    ...that way I wouldn't feel pressured to be normal anymore - whatever that means, and blah, blah, blah.

    Seriously, I'm a neurotic hermit. I sit in my room scared to death that someone will knock on my closed-and-latched door, yet simultaneously craving companionship. Yes, companionship in discrete, regulated segments and planned out beforehand. Why? Because I need to be prepared mentally and physically for any social interaction. If I think I look like spit, then I won't talk to a soul if I can help it. I usually think I look like spit. If someone moves away from me in the hall, I wonder what repulsive thing I've done. If I can hear conversation elsewhere in my house, I'll eavesdrop to make sure it isn't about how weird I am. Why am I so paranoid?? The paranoia spills over into no other sphere of my life. When I'm actually in a social situation, I do well. Go figure. But I can't initiate anything, and rarely follow through. I'm afraid of texting people. I won't stay in a chat room for longer than three minutes online because I know I'll betray myself as a weird, forgettable, annoying, or repulsive schmuck.

    Yet I'm so lonely I curse my crappy light fixture and ceiling for not being sturdy enough or high enough to do me any good, among other things. Still, even when I venture forth to class or to get food, I fly through the house as quickly as possible to minimize social interaction. Unless of course, I decide on occasion to "hang out" - as though there's some miraculous suspension of my inadequacy. What gives? So, I'm miserable - always and cyclically. I'm miserable in my hermitage, then I'll spend an evening with folks and be proud of it for a whopping thirty seconds, until I start analyzing all the incredibly stupid things I said and did. Not surprisingly, I have no friends, and no, I don't mean I have friends that I'm just discounting so I can be more pitiful. I have zero friends, this is not an exaggeration. I have a small family that loves me dysfunctionally and a boyfriend who moved to another continent. The boyfriend and I still feign a relationship, but it's a sham. So, yes, there are a handful of people who love me - but no one I can talk to. There's no one I can call up and go for coffee with. There's no one to watch a movie, go for a walk, laugh, cry, beast, moan, or do any of that soul-affirming stuff with.

    Whose fault is this? Mine. All mine. I know, and yet, somehow, I can't muster any means of changing my situation. I would like my crazy stamp now, so I can do away with trying and feel resolved. I deserve the label for many more serious reasons than this one, but it's a snippet anyhow. There's too much goofed up in my head to ever get out; it's like somebody shook up the Library of Congress and then told me to put it all back together.

    Oh, please, no. Just let me be crazy and be done with it.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one fault not yours it is a mental illness noone ask for it but you have got to deal with it now You do not have to put on a mask and pretend you are like everyone else because you are not nor are other people We are who we are and we have to accept that and learn to find coping skills to help us live a better life I do hope you get that help NOW hun meds therapy whatever it takes you deserve happiness so please reach out and get all the help and support you can so you do not have to live with the paranoia and isolation for years hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are so bright and humorous, are these things you give yourself credit for? Social anxiety, as such, is so controlling...it has us second guess everything and of course, when looking for our imperfections, we are going to find many of them...I believe that change starts with small steps...maybe find one person to socialize with, to get to know better..S/he should be someone who you find to be understanding and someone who you might be able to tell how difficult it is for you to be more intimate with people...also, have you considered speaking to a professional about what is going on...I am sure s/he will tell you that, although you feel very crazy, you are in the vast majority...I found that very helpful...please keep sharing with us and maybe you can find someone here who you can support you...I am sure many people experience the struggle you are going through
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