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I think i'll just get it over with

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by frantic, Oct 18, 2012.

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  1. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i don't even want to keep trying anymore. it's not worth it.

    i've been sliding down farther and farther into the hole today. as the day went on, i felt worse and worse.

    then, on my way to the pharmacy to get my refills, at a red light, an ambulance pulled up next to me. the sound of the idling ambulance, together with seeing the ambulance, took me right back to that bathroom a few weeks ago. i relived it all over again. and again. and again.

    i'm tired of going up and down and up and down and up and down. something good happens (i got a job), and then i get triggered back into the hole.

    i don't think there is such a thing as rock bottom. it's a myth. once you start falling there is no stopping it. the hole that is supposed to hold rock bottom is in reality a bottomless pit. there is no way out, no way back. no rope is long enough to reach that far down and pull you out. and yes, it can always get worse. there is no point where you can say, this is it, it can't get any worse. it can always get worse. and it will. and it does.

    i don't want to deal with all this anymore. i'm done. i'm out.
  2. KeepOnTrying

    KeepOnTrying Member

    Please keep holding on if u need somone to talk to I'm here I'm bipolar I know what its like to go up and down but together with meds and some helpful people u can shorten the downs and strength and lengthen the ups
  3. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Frantic - first, just sending you some love.

    I like what you say about rock bottom...but there IS a rope long enough to pull you out. I know it feels like not.

    Just happened to see that you have kids? Having you HERE on Earth is --no matter what-- better than having you gone.

    Most importantly, what is it that's killing you? Suicide (from my opinion) is about something killing you...whether it's something painful you have hidden, or not living the life that you need. Your body is trying to protect you from something. What?
  4. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i would have to tell you my life story to explain exactly why i feel i've had enough. it would take all night.

    i'm too tired to fight anymore.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Rest and rest some more and if you are too tired to fight then stop fighting stand still and take one step at a time ok you don't have to keep fighting all you have to do is to reach out for help for support so you do not have to do this all alone
  6. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    a friend of mine has a little 2 year old son. he looks a lot like my little guy. 27 days ago she was outside gardening with him, and he wandered off and fell into their duck pond. by the time my friend found him he had drowned. they were able to resuscitate him at the hospital, but since then he's been fighting for his life. it is so incredibly difficult to watch. everytime i see a picture of her holding him in the hospital i just want to cry. good news make me feel better, bad news really drag me down.
    tonight- bad news. he's not doing good at all. and he's still in a coma. it's just not looking good.

    it's definitely contributing to me feeling so depressed and suicidal right now.

    this is so hard, i don't know what to do. i really just want to go and kill myself and be done and have peace, finally. but then i think about my kids, saturday is my little one's birthday, i can't ruin that. then it's halloween, can't ruin that. then it's my big guy's birthday, can't ruin that. my little guy is going to have heart surgery next year to repair a heart defect, i really should be here for that. i'm the only one who can comfort him. he always runs to me when he's hurt or scared. no daddy.

    i want to just go and be selfish. but how can i do that? but i don't think i can go on.

    i dont know what to do.
  7. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    and now i just saw that a man who had barricaded himself in his home earlier today has died. he shot himself. the news were talking about suicide and gave a hotline number.
    what a huge trigger.

    i really don't know if i will get through the night
  8. smiles

    smiles Member

    i hope you make it.. just please don't give up. I can't say that what ever is in store for us in our futures will be worth living for, but at least we will have lived through it. if not for urself, make it through tonight for me. I'm a complete stranger, i know, but i'm also someone that wants you to live. so please. don't stop trying yet.
  9. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    really upset now. just read an interview with halle berry, where she talks about her suicide attempt. and she said it was "incredibly selfish", and that she will never "be a coward again". wtf??? there is nothing selfish about suicide, nor is it cowardly. i'm really upset over this. selfish is forcing someone to live in pain, just so they don't have to deal with the death. THAT is selfish. and it takes a lot of strength to actually kill yourself. nothing cowardly about it.

    just want to go do it more than ever now.
  10. smiles

    smiles Member

    i can empathize with you about wanting to now more than ever... the past couple of days have been pushing me incredibly close to the edge. closer than ive ever been to doing it. but both of us need to keep pushing through this. Trust me, i know it seems like a much better alternative at the moment, but how i try to handle this feeling (this may or may not help u) is by telling myself to wait either a day, or a week, and seeing how i feel then. If the feeling persists (which it hasn't yet, but only time will tell) than I'll at least have the benifit of knowing that i tried to see the other side... I hope you don't do it yet, and that you try to hold out a little longer. *hugs*
  11. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    yep, like i said. things can always get fucking worse.

    no point in trying anymore. seriously, i'ts not getting me anywhere. just farhter down and down and down.
  12. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Yes, it takes big brass balls to kill ones self. Folks who say it's the "cowardly way out" or stuff like that have never been depressed or suicidal and have no idea what it's like to have those thoughts. You have to be in a really bad place to take your life. Hang on, man. Emial me if you want to talk...
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