i don't even want to keep trying anymore. it's not worth it. i've been sliding down farther and farther into the hole today. as the day went on, i felt worse and worse. then, on my way to the pharmacy to get my refills, at a red light, an ambulance pulled up next to me. the sound of the idling ambulance, together with seeing the ambulance, took me right back to that bathroom a few weeks ago. i relived it all over again. and again. and again. i'm tired of going up and down and up and down and up and down. something good happens (i got a job), and then i get triggered back into the hole. i don't think there is such a thing as rock bottom. it's a myth. once you start falling there is no stopping it. the hole that is supposed to hold rock bottom is in reality a bottomless pit. there is no way out, no way back. no rope is long enough to reach that far down and pull you out. and yes, it can always get worse. there is no point where you can say, this is it, it can't get any worse. it can always get worse. and it will. and it does. i don't want to deal with all this anymore. i'm done. i'm out.