...I think I'm afraid of getting better...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nobody man, Dec 2, 2010.

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  1. nobody man

    nobody man Well-Known Member

    That thought just hit me and it made me feel really shitty... I don't like change. I really feel comfortable doing routines and eating the same things everyday, sitting in the same places everyday (etc.). I want to get better because I don't want to feel like this anymore, but if I get better will I be the same person?

    I hate myself more than anyone or anything in this world, but deep down I know I kind of like the type of guy I am. I've been sad and depressed for about 80 percent of the last 10 years and have thought about killing myself multiple times everyday (even during the good times)... How can you take away such a huge part of who I've become and not be changed? ... I guess I'll just add it to the long list of why I won't get help...

    Does anyone else feel this way?
    Is it weird that I feel this way?

    My middle name should be ambivalence.
     
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    No I feel this way, I constantly ask myself this, but wouldnt it be super cool if when you got better you were the person that your always longing to be.
     
  3. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same, and it scares me. How pathetic is that? I'm afraid of being AFRAID to get better. I'm very uncomfortable with change, and even if I hate every day of my life, I'm too scared to change it. I'd rather just end it. What if when my depression is gone, there's nothing left?
     
  4. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    yeah me too
    im sad most of my life what if i dont like happy me?
     
  5. clarise49

    clarise49 Member

    I've felt like that a lot. Half of my life I've been depressed and I got so used to it that if I was happy it didn't feel right. I wanted to get better but was also afraid of who I'd become since I was so used to who I was. I've hated myself off and on for the past 10 years and thought about different ways of killing myself but there are so many things in life that I want to do and so I decided that I had to get better no matter how afraid of it I was. You will never be 100% happy with your life, but you can do little things to make it better.

    I've spent 10 years in therapy, been in the hospital 3 times, and had about 20 or so ECT treatments. I have gotten better in the past 2 years but I'd still say I'm only 50% better. I was scared but there are so many more things that I enjoy now. When you are so miserable about something and you can't take it anymore get it out of your life. It is not that important. Make a list of things that you already like and try to incorporate them more into your life. Talk to a therapist and have them work with you on little things at a time. Getting better doesn't just happen instantly and if you work with a therapist it will be so gradual that you won't notice. I still feel a lot like the person I was but just with a few more smiles. Change is scary but it is worth it if you want to feel better.
     
  6. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    its scary how accurately this discribes how i feel. i even eat the same things everyday just to have a pattern that gives me security. but i know ill fuck everything up if i dont get help. i wont lead myself anywhere but further down in this black hole. i like the person that i am and i dont want to lose my personality when the doc tries to "fix" me
    i feel like im doomed bc i fear to get better
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2010
  7. Soothsayer

    Soothsayer Member

    I just don't believe "getting better" is an option at this point.
     
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