All I can think about is how much I don't want to be here. i don't remember ever being normal or happy, but five years ago, i fessed up to some childhood abuse to my parents and that somehow caused me to start getting flashbacks and feeling of insanity. For example, I somehow got it in my head that I want to die and I'll somehow make it happen but if I stop eating, I'll be able to control these suicidal feelings. I ended up dropping a lot of weight and not eating for over a month. It also worked, I didn't feel as destroyed and was able to hold it together to function. I've only gotten worse, not eating doesn't really help much, plus it's kind of hard to do (tee-hee). All I can think about are fantasies about dying, I can't really hang out with people because I can't think of anything else--it's so consuming. Plus, I scared the crap out of myself several times where I'd see something like a river after a storm and end up being in sort of a trance-like, another world--then I'd catch myself driving towards to river. It was never intentional and I always caught myself before crossing out of my lane, but the lack of control, it not really being on purpose, it's something I don't know what to do about. It's gotten to the point where I really don't even care about giving up and forcing myself to do the right thing. I don't think anyone can help me and that I should just die, I'm too broken. I think I'm even a pain in the butt to be around because I'm always in this really dark mood, it takes effort to smile, pay attention, and think about something other than not wanting to be here. My body is pretty broken from health problems, I think if I don't die soon, I'll end up being a burden on my family. Thank you for listening. I really don't know anyone that is tolerant enough for me to whine to about this!!