I think I'm broken

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Belladonna, Apr 30, 2009.

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  1. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    All I can think about is how much I don't want to be here. i don't remember ever being normal or happy, but five years ago, i fessed up to some childhood abuse to my parents and that somehow caused me to start getting flashbacks and feeling of insanity. For example, I somehow got it in my head that I want to die and I'll somehow make it happen but if I stop eating, I'll be able to control these suicidal feelings. I ended up dropping a lot of weight and not eating for over a month. It also worked, I didn't feel as destroyed and was able to hold it together to function. I've only gotten worse, not eating doesn't really help much, plus it's kind of hard to do (tee-hee). All I can think about are fantasies about dying, I can't really hang out with people because I can't think of anything else--it's so consuming. Plus, I scared the crap out of myself several times where I'd see something like a river after a storm and end up being in sort of a trance-like, another world--then I'd catch myself driving towards to river. It was never intentional and I always caught myself before crossing out of my lane, but the lack of control, it not really being on purpose, it's something I don't know what to do about. It's gotten to the point where I really don't even care about giving up and forcing myself to do the right thing. I don't think anyone can help me and that I should just die, I'm too broken. I think I'm even a pain in the butt to be around because I'm always in this really dark mood, it takes effort to smile, pay attention, and think about something other than not wanting to be here. My body is pretty broken from health problems, I think if I don't die soon, I'll end up being a burden on my family.

    Thank you for listening. I really don't know anyone that is tolerant enough for me to whine to about this!!
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi ....

    you aren't whining, you are just opening up and talking about your feelings, and your life.

    and that is important. i'll listen to you anytime hun!
    i hope you don't hurt yourself, and you will not be a burden on your family by being alive. . . .

    reaching out like you are doing, is very positive. . . . keep doing it, and i am just a pm away, if you want to talk :hug:
  3. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Thank you! It helps to read posts and talk about this stuff. I feel so clueless!
  4. Mitternacht

    Mitternacht Member

    Hey there,

    I don't think your broken just posting here shows you still have strength left. I know our reasons for being here are different but Ive went through some of the things you have as well so i can relate somewhat. I really appreciate you posting on my thread and if you need anyone to talk to I'm always there for you. Just listening and helping people through difficult times takes the pain from my own problems away and makes me feel that my life hasn't been a total waste.
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    As Mdmdfontaine says: this is not whining!!! You are obviously in distress for various reasons, such as abuse and physical ailments.

    You don't mention whether you've had any therapy or meds. If not, I think you should check into it; couldn't hurt.

    Also, I've seen your posts to others here and you've been very insightful and helpful. I hope you stay at the forum and continue posting. We're all here to help one another.
  6. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much.

    I guess I have pretty much given up. I have seen therapists and it has always made me feel much worse. Part of it was having bad therapists that would get mad at me for having problems and the ones that didn't yell, it was a good experience in that it got me out of the house but it never really helped me. We'd talk about journal articles, research, etc about EDs, self-injury, depression, etc, but it wasn't really ever about me. That seems to be the pattern--I'm not completely stupid so I can explain things, so people always get frustrated and angry because they can't easily convince me that I'm deluded (I argue too much), or they get fascinated and we deconstruct emotions, etc together. I also have trouble with therapy because I sit there for forty-five minutes talking and thinking about things that are distressing, but after the forty-five minutes, there isn't any conclusion or end, so I'm stuck dealing with things that I don't want to think about.

    I've tried some anti-deps/anti-anxieties but haven't had much luck. The best result was quitting smoking!! But usually, I get really crazy mood swings that don't make sense like crying when I'm actually not sad. This is why I think I'm too broken at this point. I've spent most of my life not remembering and trying to be normal and now it's clear that I was never normal and all I managed to do is not remember and become reactive. I developed fibromyalgia which I pretty much had under control until five years ago--now I keep losing jobs, no one likes me, and it's hard to be positive at all so I keep getting worse and worse. It doesn't help that I somehow manage to get myself raped TWICE in ONE year so on top of dealing with flashbacks and old crap, I keep piling on new crap! I don't even have an excuse, I ought to know better, I've read a lot, my parents sent me to college, I'm not completely stupid...yet I fuck up my life more and more, it seems. I just got laid off 3 weeks ago and I was being harassed due to having fibro and not being Christian so I'm really at a loss at figuring out how to even give a crap about myself. I can't do my job well enough because with all this, I can't think so well, and being harassed just reinforces negativity--slowly I'm losing more and more ability to fit in and be normal enough to live without being disliked. The one thing that keeps going on in my head all the time is what a loser I am. I hate this. People think I should be happy, point out good things about my life, but I can't appreciate any of it because I feel like a total ass, a loser, that is defective and disconnected from humanity. I just don't know how to deal anymore and so far I keep repeating to myself, don't expect a thing, you're a loser. That's my answer to everything--you don't like that, well, what do you expect, you're a loser! It's so bad where I've actually been saying this out loud--my father asked, why do you keep calling yourself a loser, at which point I started defending my "loser status".

    That's the bitch of it all--it's one thing to hurt and be miserable, but I don't want to be the one that hurts others because of my own misery. I mean, I actually straight up told my parents and made my mother cry that the biggest mistake they ever made was not having the abortion they wanted. That's really messed up because I was totally throwing what they've said to me (out of anger) in their face...I'm such a bitch that, in the moment, I even rationalized it...I overheard that I was supposed to be aborted...later they said it in front of me...that was my "excuse", now it's OK for me to know so I can say this. What's the difference between this and beating the shit out of your kid with some rationalization in your head that sounds good but is still hurtful? God, I could never have kids! Rambling now!

    Anyway, thank you for your replies. It is good to be able to talk about such dark thoughts, even cry while typing, without being called a loser...God knows I do that to myself enough!
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I can relate to you about fantasies about dying. I would get flashes of images to either cause me harm or to kill myself...it did that for a while but they ended up stopping...I know it can be quite frightening...

    I feel broken too...I was physically and emotionally abused as a child...and now I have a hard time living iin the world...I can't have a normal relationship with guys....its like I was born without being able to date...and even with friends sometimes I get the need to run away 'cause I'm dead scared...
  8. Godlovesyou

    Godlovesyou Member

  9. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    That's hard. :hugtackles:
  10. aimless

    aimless Member

  11. Chernarus

    Chernarus Well-Known Member

    i had abuse and a move triggered me with flashbacks and id sit in translike episodes were i actually relive the event but i dont move or scream i just see it. the only way i can get over it is by doing the opposite of what the depression makes me want to do. like i get urdges to listen to depressing music but i listen to happy music and it sort of helps its all about changing your enviorment for me. i also occupy time by writing words of encouragement to people here it gets me sort of away from the depression and some times makes me feel good when i hear how there doing later on. Its how i got threw most of my depressing days until i got locked up because depression gives me seriouse anger issues. Just try and do things that are contrary to depression and itll help make you feel better. its what im tryingt to do right now and its helping a little.
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