I think I'm done...I can't keep going through this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Nov 1, 2011.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I have a plan to kill myself, and I'm planning to in the next few weeks. I'd do it sooner, but I need to order some things online and wait for them to be delivered.

    I almost threw my husband out of the house today because I found another heroin needle hidden inside an empty shampoo bottle in the trash can. I know that it's a lifelong disease. It's not his addiction itself that I have a problem with, it's the constant lying and trying to hide it. I just want him to give me the chance to help him when he relapses. I wouldn't break up with him if he just told me the truth. It's really hard to just stand by and watch him slowly kill himself with this stupid drug. I love him so much. That's why I couldn't follow through with throwing him out. As soon as I lose him, I lose everything. And suicide would be inevitable. By not following through with it, I still want to kill myself, but I at least have a chance of maybe changing my mind.

    And then there's also the fact that I'm always sick, either mentally or physically. For weeks I've been in pain with GI issues until I finally went to the hospital for 3 days and felt better. Then I got the flu not too long after. Then, I drank alcohol one day because I felt like crap mentally, and the alcohol screwed up my stomach again. And now I'm in pain. Again.

    Being in pain means that I can't show up to my college classes, and if I can't show up to my college classes, I'm in danger of failing the semester for poor attendance, even though my grades are good. And if I fail, that's $2000 that I'm throwing out the window.

    I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.
  2. nickyc

    nickyc Member

    Don't give up.he needs help and you can't help him of you aren't alive.but findI a resoncigarette to licve for yourself.find an excuse to put it off.anything.make plans for tomorrow and then the same the next day.stay strong and things will get better, I swear.regards, nick
  3. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    It's not like I can help him if I am alive either...I've been trying.
  4. S8pxph

    S8pxph Active Member

    You can get through this. Just because you have a plan doesn't mean you have to act on it. Find ways to keep yourself from doing it. It hurts you to watch your husband killing himself, don't you think it would hurt him if you did it? Think about that. One way you're helping him is by staying alive. Even if he doesn't come to you about his addiction, knowing you're there definitely helps. If you were to die, he would probably get much worse. So even though you feel like you're struggling to help him, just know that by loving him and just being there you are helping. Addiction is a difficult thing to deal with. There could be a number of reasons why he doesn't reach out to you when he relapses, but it will be difficult for you to change that. One thing I know is it holds no reflection on how much he loves your or trusts you-- my friend didn't tell me when he relapsed specifically because he cared for me too much to hurt me like that. I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with : / It hurts to see that happen to someone you love. Just keep trying to talk to him and help him, even in ways unrelated to the illness, and reminding him of how much you care. It's all you can do. Hopefully one day he'll be open or stop for good.

    As for school, try e-mailing your professors and asking them to send you lectures or give you extensions. If you're in too much pain to deal with your classes, then that's how it is. It's terrible to think about wasting the money, but do your best, but try not to worry if you fail. In situations like that, there may be nothing you can do and some day losing that money won't matter anymore. My friend became really sickly when she entered her second year of college and ended up failing every class. It was difficult for her, but she learned to accept it and she's doing fine. Just try to remind yourself that things will work out eventually : /

    It sucks that you have so much on your plate right now, but please don't give up. These thoughts test our endurance, and I know you're strong enough to get through this. Do whatever you can to control them, even if it's just day by day.
  5. nickyc

    nickyc Member

    You are right, he is beyond help until he wants it.but you will be the one he turns to.i'ven lost friends and family to drugs before.it hurts badly and I can't say he will want to change.but never give up hope.I was in his position 5 years ago and I lost everything.but there were people who helped me get on with my life.he needs the same.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    To be brutally honest, I don't think you can change him, I think that heroin addicts or infact any other addicts need to want to change for themselves and the people around them.
    Think of it this way, look at all the pain and effort you put into looking after and putting up with him and his secrets and also I'm sure you physically help him out doing things, imagine how much he loves and adores you. Does he tell you he loves you? That's how much it would hurt him if you were to do something.
    Please continue going to your classes, I didn't, :( and I regret it everyday.
  7. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Yes. I do think it would hurt him if I did it. I just don't see why that should stop me. It's okay for him to kill himself with drugs because he's sick, but it's not okay for me to kill myself even though I'm sick too? I'm supposed to just sit back and watch him do this to himself and keep hurting? He doesn't reach out to me because he's afraid I'll leave. And I told him thousands of times that I'll only leave if I find out he's been getting high on my own, not if he tells me himself that he did it. So, I honestly don't see what I'm doing wrong. All I want is to know. I don't expect him to stop using. He ended up missing two days of work due to withdrawal and I ended up missing a day of school, not even because of physical pain but because I wanted to die and didn't care about anything else. Plus, I was afraid that if I went, he'd go and get drugs again. He did it last time I went to school. I'll try to go to class next time, as long as things don't get worse and hope that they didn't drop me from the roll yet. But, today, I think I may spend some time buying some supplies and stash them in my closet just in case.
  8. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well, I now have 50% of what I need to kill myself. Technically, if I'm desperate enough, I could try to do it tonight with the things I already have...but my preferred method is quicker and easier, though more expensive and it takes more time to obtain the materials. But, unless something awful happens, I'm willing to wait. It already feels more comforting knowing I have a way out if I need it.
  9. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    You should get rid of all the stuff, flush it in the toilet, whatever...We all get in that dark corner when we become a danger for ourselves but those pass. If you keep it around, that would be like a smoker trying to keep quit but keeping a pack in his bottom drawer. Much more likely to succumb to the craving. So hun, get rid of that today, now if possible. And when it gets that bad, come here and post. If you feel you have a novel to write about how you feel, start a diary here. It can be private or public. I know mine help me a lot getting stuff out of my head. I hope to see a post where you tell us everything is flushed down the toilet. believe it or not, people care and root for you to get better.
  10. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Asking me to flush the stuff down the toilet is like me asking my husband to flush his heroin down the toilet. It just isn't happening. I'm still looking for a good reason (what I consider to be a good reason) to not do it. But no one on here, not my husband, not my family, and not my doctor has been able to offer me that as of yet. And, for now, I am still planning to go through with it when I get the other half of the stuff. I made an appt with my therapist in hopes that maybe she has something of value to say, but I don't really count on it.
  11. S8pxph

    S8pxph Active Member

    You stated before that you just wanted to help him, and I was trying to point out that by being alive you are helping him, even if it doesn't feel like it's much. I never said you're doing anything wrong, and I did not say that it's ok for him to kill himself and not you, I don't want either of you to. But this thread is about yourself, so the advice is going to be directed towards keeping you from going through with it. I honestly don't know what to say about your husband, when I tried to help my friend it didn't work because he didn't want the help. I just hope you can find a coping mechanism and a reason to live. I think the fact that you are even looking for that reason is good. I'm sorry you haven't found it yet and that you're in such a crappy situation : ( I sincerely wish I could help and I wish you well.
  12. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Ok then let me rephrase. I want to help him without loosing all of my ability to function in the process.
  13. Degenerate Escapist

    Degenerate Escapist Well-Known Member

    How have you approached things in the past with him? Has there been any success? What's his history with the drug?
  14. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Hey StrangeAsAngels,

    For one thing, I think it is important for your mental health for you to mentally separate yourself from your husband for the time being. That means that you need to focus on your well being. Ask your therapist for practical advice and e-mail your professors to make sure you won't be reprimanded for your attendance (as someone else suggested doing.) I am pretty sure you must take control of yourself before you enter crisis mode, and while you care about your husband, I'm pretty sure you will have to take care of yourself before you can help him.
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