I have a plan to kill myself, and I'm planning to in the next few weeks. I'd do it sooner, but I need to order some things online and wait for them to be delivered. I almost threw my husband out of the house today because I found another heroin needle hidden inside an empty shampoo bottle in the trash can. I know that it's a lifelong disease. It's not his addiction itself that I have a problem with, it's the constant lying and trying to hide it. I just want him to give me the chance to help him when he relapses. I wouldn't break up with him if he just told me the truth. It's really hard to just stand by and watch him slowly kill himself with this stupid drug. I love him so much. That's why I couldn't follow through with throwing him out. As soon as I lose him, I lose everything. And suicide would be inevitable. By not following through with it, I still want to kill myself, but I at least have a chance of maybe changing my mind. And then there's also the fact that I'm always sick, either mentally or physically. For weeks I've been in pain with GI issues until I finally went to the hospital for 3 days and felt better. Then I got the flu not too long after. Then, I drank alcohol one day because I felt like crap mentally, and the alcohol screwed up my stomach again. And now I'm in pain. Again. Being in pain means that I can't show up to my college classes, and if I can't show up to my college classes, I'm in danger of failing the semester for poor attendance, even though my grades are good. And if I fail, that's $2000 that I'm throwing out the window. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.