I think I'm done. (long post)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by daegon, Sep 8, 2014.

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  1. daegon

    daegon Member

    Hello, my name is Patrick. I'm 18. And I think I've just about had it, I think I'm ready to go. I've been trapped in a paradox my mind simply cannot solve for the past few months. I'd use a numerical value for said months, but I've lost track of time. But first, a story, if I may.

    When I was 16, I met a girl. Her name was Chelsea. Let me be the first to say, she was perfect. She wasn't "sexy" or "hot," no no no - she was beautiful. Artistic and creative? Check. Sense of humuor? Check. Best of all, she was a nerd. A true nerd. Not like the ones that wear those fake glasses and take selfies with Xbox controllers. Nope, she was the kind of girl that would strut about the house wearing her Dr. Who pj's and was afraid of burning in the sunlight. To top it all off, we were best friends. An inseperable duo. Where there was Chelsea, there was Patrick, and vice versa. This obviously led to being more than just friends, and I felt like I was set for life. I actually have a loose leaf paper (among countless others, but this one is more specific,) of wedding plans. I know, I'm too young to get married. But I want you all to understand. We had every song during the wedding, every detail planned to a point. We'd settle down, have kids - exactly two. A boy, Connor, and a girl, Alice. Small split-foyer house in Tecumseh. I can't make this stuff up. It sounds stupid looking back, all the stuff we had planned out, but it meant something.

    Fast forward one whole year. This is where things get sour. I won't go into extensive detail for her sake, but long story short, I messed up. I didn't cheat, but I lied. More than one should. And there's nothing worse on this earth than a liar. Over the course of a year, lie after lie after lie - I kept digging my hole deeper and never once thought to realise the consequences. These lies were small ones, but enough. Stupid things too, like various achievements I (never) received, just to name one category. I wanted to keep her impressed, but when I realised my mistake, it was far too late..

    How could I do such a thing? I loved this girl, and she loved me. And I threw it away due to the insecurities I had. Not once in my life, had I felt as if I was good enough. I've lied my entire life. And it's to the point where I no longer know who I am. I can't distinguish what I've lied about and what holds truth. I don't know what trully interests me, I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know anything. It was this insecurity that put me in the situation I'm in now.

    The suicidal tendancies came when she left. I had to find out on my own that she was with someone else. This guy is everything I'm not. He's sharp, fit, smart, and good looking. Not to mention he can do anything I can, but much, much better. Music, art, literally everything. He sells cars while I, at 18, still bus tables at a local steak house to scrape up the money to pay for my car payment at the end of the month.

    You see, I've reached my threshold. I have to live with the fact that my best friend, and the love of my life, left me - and I'd by lying if I said it wasn't my fault. I actually remember, during a therapy session, my therapist asked me how I was feeling after my first hospital visit (I tried overdosing on sleeping pills and had to be rushed to the hospital one month after Chelsea left,) and as narcissistic as it sounds, I can't forget what I told her: "Imagine having to wake up everyday with half a body, half a mind, half a reason to get out of bed, and half a reason to live. Now now imagine going throughout your day having to tell yourself this is your own fault. You deserve to go through this. She isn't coming back and you don't know how to handle it."

    I still keep her photo in my wallet in the hopes that one day she'll come back. But even if she did...what would change? Would I fall back into my habit of compulsive lying? Would I even be worthy of her to come back? Nothing would be the same.

    For one person to affect this much me may seem absolutely ridiculous to some. But I'm trapped. If I wait, I deal with the fog that is the unknown future, and I walk through that fog alone. But if I end things now, that solves my problem but puts a burden on everyone I know. But if I die, maybe she'll be happy. And I think I love her enough to die for that.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thanks for taking the time to share your story. I am sure it was not an easy thing to do but hopefully by sharing it you you will be able to listen to any replies or read through the forums to find similar stories and come to realize this is not the first time something like this happened with a young couple, and more importantly that there is life afterward.

    I am going to try to give you some words of encouragement but I am hoping you do not take them as belittling what you had. They are not meant that way at all, but rather to simply put things into perspective for you. Sadly, at 18 it is hard to have real perspective for yourself and worse yet, it certainly FEELS like you do have it already. By the same token , any reading your story or hearing your story that dismisses it as "out of proportion" really needs to do the same and apply some perspective to it.

    AS a person, until you are between 12-14 you really are not cognizant of yourself. All you do as a child is see things through the eyes of others and emulate others and there is minimal self awareness. By Sometime in those years of 12-14 you begin to have actual thoughts and feelings of your own and learn to identify with yourself rather than just to identify with what others see or tell you. Why bother with saying all this? Because you have been an individual for about 4-5 years at 18. Of that 4-5 years the most important thing in your life was Chelsea for 2 years. That means about half of your life as a cognizant individual person was completely intertwined with Chelsea.

    For perspective on depth of feelings that is like somebody that is 40 going through a break up or divorce after 13 or 14 years together. So yes- what happened in losing that relationship is huge and traumatic for you right now. For those older people that tell you to get over it they may not really realize it and only see it as "young love - a girlfriend- 2 years - so what ?" Because they do not see it as half of you life as an individual and compare it to many many years percentage wise in the impact it will have on you.

    That said, for your perspective , what is 1/2 your individual life right now will not always be. in 4-5 years when you are finishing college instead of as much time with Chelsea as not, it will be a couple really good years out 10-12 years and 1/5 or 1/6 of your life. My first real love that lasted a similar amount of time and was all i could think about when it ended is now 1/16th of my experience - would be like 3 or 4 months on your scale. And that is the point I am trying to make- it will come into perspective as time goes on if you let it.

    So, you made a mistake, and yes, it is probably not going to be able to recover from it. But the real truth is in 5 years you likely would not have been with her even if you had not and the person she is with now is 99% chance will not be with her either. It is part of growing up and maturing. Think of how different you are from any 11 year old you know right now- how different you are now from when you were 11 - and I promise there is just as much difference between you and 25 and as you matured in 99.9999% of cases people grow apart. That is part of what happens that started the "lies" you already felt things pulling apart and were trying to save them by trying to impress.

    Perhaps you were right, if you had not made those lies then she would have left..did you think of that? That is not saying it was right or wrong or that she is a bad person - it is saying people change as they mature and put emphasis on different things. If their emphasis is changing in a way you are not then you try to make up for it. So while lying was not the best course of action clearly, do not be so sure that it ended your relationship and that the lying was not simply you trying to hold onto something that was already falling apart. The point is do not beat yourself up over having made a mistake.

    She was the love of your life to this point, but this point is only a few years of being an individual. And the lying to impress her was probably just trying to hold onto something that you felt pulling apart already as you both matured so you did not "ruin" the love of your life, you might have given an excuse for her to use to say why you are not together but something made you feel the need to tell those lies in order to keep her interest and that something was her growing away from you already. Maybe a future more mature version of both of you will have another go at it without that need, or maybe you will find somebody that does not make you feel like you need to lie to stay close to. But give those things a chance to happen. I still remember fondly those couple years with my first real love, but they are simple a very small piece of my life at this point and hopefully years from now you can still smile when you think of Chelsea buyt have moved on to a love of your life that instead of 2 years has been 18 years or so together.
  3. Dreamland

    Dreamland Well-Known Member

    NYJmpMaster said it beautifully.

    I just want you to remember that your feelings are always valid, you are allowed to feel sad, you're allowed to be pissed off or feel lost. All of those things are valuable for the sake of growing as a person, and don't ever think that you can't also live and have those feelings.

    I'm 27, and sometimes I feel like I've seen and done it all... like I'm aware of everything and can now make decisions to take my life if I wish. And I did try... just over 2 weeks ago, actually. But honestly, talk to someone over 70. Or 60. Or 50. Or even just 30. Ask about all the things they've experienced between 18 and the present day, and they can tell you amazing stories. Things change every day. I know that right now my life feels incredibly hopeless and I wish it would all just end, but I also know that it's more likely than not to turn around--even if just for a little while.

    When I was 18, I had a similar situation to yours. I ended up being manipulative and controlling with a guy I was completely, madly in love with. He was an ex-boyfriend, but had always told me he still loved me, and maybe one day we'd still get married and have a life together. I don't know why I did all the manipulation, just as you don't really know why you lied. Maybe both you and I were just trying to find some way to control our insecurities, either by making up other things or whatever. Eventually, he told me we could probably never be together again because he couldn't take the pressure I was putting on him (and I was a total crazy bitch), and I was completely shattered. That was the first time I felt suicidal.

    Later, I carried the same insecurities with me, and rather than be rejected by potential partners, I married a man I knew was crazy about me even though I wasn't all that attracted to him. Needless to say, that lasted a mere 6 months. I felt guilty. Like a failure. Like an asshole who strung a guy along for years because I wanted to feel like someone really wanted me. So that I could play the opposite role of the one I'd played before. Already being divorced by my age still haunts me... but now I'm in a very healthy, loving, and equal relationship that is making things so much better than I thought they could be. I'm becoming a better person. Despite my suicidal tendencies, I'm making it. So... if I had killed myself back then, I would never have found this healthy relationship and learned that I don't need to manipulate or control the ones I love. I've let go of a lot of things... I nag probably 80% less than I used to, and am learning to let go and just let my partner do things a different way than I would.

    And I'll be honest: I still think about that guy I was in love with then. But I've gone through a whole series of emotions. Jealousy. Hatred. Sadness. Total denial (I actually avoided, ignored, and didn't think about him for a couple years). But now, I look back and feel nothing romantic. Actually, I look back and go "really? Him? What the hell did I see?" He's still a great guy, but now I feel that we were totally wrong for each other. Who knows... maybe that could be the case for you. I know it doesn't feel like it now. I absolutely 100% know how that feels. Just give it time. As much as I HATE this saying, if you're meant to be with her, she will come back to you eventually. But you can't make her. And you can't find love with anyone at all if you leave this world.

    Please, please, please don't.
  4. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi Patrick, thanks for sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings here.

    It is a touching story to me because I saw that you are aware of how certain things came to be. After all, there are people who would blame everyone but not stop to think for themselves that they too are partially or maybe to a large extent responsible for the situations they are in. This clarity of thought and sense of personal responsibility from paragraph to paragraph impressed me.

    I may not exactly have a story like yours, but I did like a girl once. I didn't go on to know her seriously because I felt I was out of her league. I last heard she is now happily married.

    You sound like a hardworking and responsible guy. While you may not have exactly all the attributes that would help you get back your lost love as you have described, in time to come, as you slowly make adjustments to resolve emotional insecurities, you will gradually grow to see and understand more of what's good inside you that needs no comparison with any peers.

    Patrick, you are not alone in walking the fog. My future is just as uncertain, even bleak. You see, my current state of mind is preventing me from staying in a job for long.

    The moment you recognise what factors were/are contributing to an unwanted or undesirable outcome and willing to take responsibility for it (even if partially), you are somewhat in the right direction.

    I'm no prophet or anything, but I can't help but see many more good years ahead of you if you are willing to take the hands of those who are willing and able to help you, online and offline.

    Keep posting, Patrick. Seeya around!:encouragement:
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