Hello, my name is Patrick. I'm 18. And I think I've just about had it, I think I'm ready to go. I've been trapped in a paradox my mind simply cannot solve for the past few months. I'd use a numerical value for said months, but I've lost track of time. But first, a story, if I may. When I was 16, I met a girl. Her name was Chelsea. Let me be the first to say, she was perfect. She wasn't "sexy" or "hot," no no no - she was beautiful. Artistic and creative? Check. Sense of humuor? Check. Best of all, she was a nerd. A true nerd. Not like the ones that wear those fake glasses and take selfies with Xbox controllers. Nope, she was the kind of girl that would strut about the house wearing her Dr. Who pj's and was afraid of burning in the sunlight. To top it all off, we were best friends. An inseperable duo. Where there was Chelsea, there was Patrick, and vice versa. This obviously led to being more than just friends, and I felt like I was set for life. I actually have a loose leaf paper (among countless others, but this one is more specific,) of wedding plans. I know, I'm too young to get married. But I want you all to understand. We had every song during the wedding, every detail planned to a point. We'd settle down, have kids - exactly two. A boy, Connor, and a girl, Alice. Small split-foyer house in Tecumseh. I can't make this stuff up. It sounds stupid looking back, all the stuff we had planned out, but it meant something. Fast forward one whole year. This is where things get sour. I won't go into extensive detail for her sake, but long story short, I messed up. I didn't cheat, but I lied. More than one should. And there's nothing worse on this earth than a liar. Over the course of a year, lie after lie after lie - I kept digging my hole deeper and never once thought to realise the consequences. These lies were small ones, but enough. Stupid things too, like various achievements I (never) received, just to name one category. I wanted to keep her impressed, but when I realised my mistake, it was far too late.. How could I do such a thing? I loved this girl, and she loved me. And I threw it away due to the insecurities I had. Not once in my life, had I felt as if I was good enough. I've lied my entire life. And it's to the point where I no longer know who I am. I can't distinguish what I've lied about and what holds truth. I don't know what trully interests me, I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know anything. It was this insecurity that put me in the situation I'm in now. The suicidal tendancies came when she left. I had to find out on my own that she was with someone else. This guy is everything I'm not. He's sharp, fit, smart, and good looking. Not to mention he can do anything I can, but much, much better. Music, art, literally everything. He sells cars while I, at 18, still bus tables at a local steak house to scrape up the money to pay for my car payment at the end of the month. You see, I've reached my threshold. I have to live with the fact that my best friend, and the love of my life, left me - and I'd by lying if I said it wasn't my fault. I actually remember, during a therapy session, my therapist asked me how I was feeling after my first hospital visit (I tried overdosing on sleeping pills and had to be rushed to the hospital one month after Chelsea left,) and as narcissistic as it sounds, I can't forget what I told her: "Imagine having to wake up everyday with half a body, half a mind, half a reason to get out of bed, and half a reason to live. Now now imagine going throughout your day having to tell yourself this is your own fault. You deserve to go through this. She isn't coming back and you don't know how to handle it." I still keep her photo in my wallet in the hopes that one day she'll come back. But even if she did...what would change? Would I fall back into my habit of compulsive lying? Would I even be worthy of her to come back? Nothing would be the same. For one person to affect this much me may seem absolutely ridiculous to some. But I'm trapped. If I wait, I deal with the fog that is the unknown future, and I walk through that fog alone. But if I end things now, that solves my problem but puts a burden on everyone I know. But if I die, maybe she'll be happy. And I think I love her enough to die for that.