I think I'm done.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BlondRedHead, Sep 2, 2011.

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  1. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    My bf that asked me to move ot this new city where the only person I know is him... just broke up with me about a week after telling me he loves me. He says he is young (35) and wants to be single and meet other girls. I am now in this city all alone and I think this was the icing on the cake. I think the way he did it also helped because I am generally a positive, easy going woman. I don't get on him at all, don't hold grudges... but he didn't just break up with me. He was drinking and he yelled at me out of nowhere. Said he doesn't want a relationship and what don't I get. I told him I love you, I am in love with you, why do you think I moved here? He said I sholdn't have moved for him and it was stupid. I said I was in love with him and he yelled back "Do you really need MY dick in your ass, does it have to be me?" WOW. I am supremely crushed. So he says lets be friends and I figured maybe after a couple days we will be different. He apologizes for the next few days for being so mean, says he feels sick over it but he still wants to break up. He invites me to some BBQs and dinners with friends and wont hug me, wont sit near me. I am feeling so sick. My entire world is upside down and he says he doesn't understand why I am upset! We have been together 2 yrs and he treats it liek we only went out a couple weeks and I am over reacting.

    I wrote a letter. Two actually. They are sealed and next to my bed and I have been debating the best way to end all this. There is nothing to live for. Before my relationship I was aloof. I was wandering in a world where the color was dull and I didn't see anything in my future. My time with him was amazing and fun and easy, everything was easy and bright and I was happy. For the first time in 29 yrs... I went two yrs without depression. I have battled it my entire life. But now I don't want to do anything. I have no friends to lean on, my family is full of selfish people who arent close and we are all over the world so I can nto got to anyone. The few friends I od have are busy and starting their lives.

    My letters tell my dad how very much I love him. My sister and brother that I miss when we were young and close. My mother is a horrible person and I tell her how much she has hurt me and hurt all of us. How much damage she has done and how I forgive her but still hate her. I apologize to my friends for not reaching out but there is nothing anyone can say or do at this point that would help and not to blame themselves. I tell my grandma I miss her and my cousin JP who is my best friend but homeless in Nevada I wish I could have saved him.I tell my ex I love him and will miss his touch.

    I first started feeling this a few months ago. It went away and then this happened and I have been planning ever since. Usuaully if I get these thoughts it goes away quickly or I think about it and realize I am being stupid. But that part of me that reasons has burnt out. I don't want a future. I don't want anything. I want to fade away.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: Reading and listening....Mr. A
     
  3. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello,sorry your in a bad place right now. I can't believe how after two years your bf could treat you so cold,what a scum bag. Maybe you've had a lucky escape,it could be six years down the line with a child on the scene. I know that doesn't help but at least you saw his true colours now. Can you not move back to where you came from?
    Your not all alone there's always people on here to support you xx
     
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I think you should at least give yourself time to try to heal from this before considering suicide.

    Don't hurt yourself over this jerk. You deserve so much better.
     
  5. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Sweetie there isn't a man (or woman - or anybody) that is worth you giving up on your life for.
    I know how terrible feeling alone can be. I also have very selfish self absorbed friends who call me all the time whenever they have a problem, but when I reach out well they are way too busy to help. It sucks there are nice people still left you just have to reach out and find them,
    Please dont give up.
     
  6. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    sorry that this has happened. thats awful. There is nothing worse than someone you are in love with not returning it.
     
  7. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on in a couple weeks. I was trying to stay busy and see if things change. They never do. He started being all sweet to me a week later, told me we might end up married after all. Apologized for being so mean and said I've done nothing wrong... then after staying with me a few times he started pulling away again. I have no one, I can't move back where I came from because they all left and the situation was not a good one anyway. I have panic attacks, ones that keep me up all hours of the night because when I look at my future with no friends or family and a dead end job living on just doesn't seem worth it. I took up running to stay busy, like getting fit will help but it does not. That and I find myself being dangerous and putting myself in bad situations, like running at night in the unlit park, driving too fast with my eyes closed, drinking too much. I'm surprised I haven't gone to the hospital for poisoning yet. I can not get over it, I can not move on! I wake up and before my eyes open I think of him, in the shower, at work, doing laundry, in bed. I dream of him. WTH is wrong with me? Why can't I stop and move on?! It's driving me insane. I know I deserve better... I just love him so much and he totally f***ed me over. I told him when we started dating it could be casual. He said he didn't want anything serious and I was fine with that. I blocked my emotions and just-had-fun. Then he started in on living together, having kids, getting married, he loves me, he cares for me so much, he asked me to be his girlfriend, asked me to come stay with him... I never said anything like that. I never mentioned marriage or kids or anything. I knew better. Then he says it got too serious and I care too much. What? I need to not talk to him, but I can't. I tell myself do not call but by noon I call. HELP ME SOMEONE. I don't want this to my life.
     
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    God it sounds awful. Wether he knows it or not he's being very unpleasant to you and you need to do what you can to forget him.

    Maybe try writing down the bad things he has done to you? Reinforce the reasons why you should not talk to him.
     
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