My bf that asked me to move ot this new city where the only person I know is him... just broke up with me about a week after telling me he loves me. He says he is young (35) and wants to be single and meet other girls. I am now in this city all alone and I think this was the icing on the cake. I think the way he did it also helped because I am generally a positive, easy going woman. I don't get on him at all, don't hold grudges... but he didn't just break up with me. He was drinking and he yelled at me out of nowhere. Said he doesn't want a relationship and what don't I get. I told him I love you, I am in love with you, why do you think I moved here? He said I sholdn't have moved for him and it was stupid. I said I was in love with him and he yelled back "Do you really need MY dick in your ass, does it have to be me?" WOW. I am supremely crushed. So he says lets be friends and I figured maybe after a couple days we will be different. He apologizes for the next few days for being so mean, says he feels sick over it but he still wants to break up. He invites me to some BBQs and dinners with friends and wont hug me, wont sit near me. I am feeling so sick. My entire world is upside down and he says he doesn't understand why I am upset! We have been together 2 yrs and he treats it liek we only went out a couple weeks and I am over reacting.
I wrote a letter. Two actually. They are sealed and next to my bed and I have been debating the best way to end all this. There is nothing to live for. Before my relationship I was aloof. I was wandering in a world where the color was dull and I didn't see anything in my future. My time with him was amazing and fun and easy, everything was easy and bright and I was happy. For the first time in 29 yrs... I went two yrs without depression. I have battled it my entire life. But now I don't want to do anything. I have no friends to lean on, my family is full of selfish people who arent close and we are all over the world so I can nto got to anyone. The few friends I od have are busy and starting their lives.
My letters tell my dad how very much I love him. My sister and brother that I miss when we were young and close. My mother is a horrible person and I tell her how much she has hurt me and hurt all of us. How much damage she has done and how I forgive her but still hate her. I apologize to my friends for not reaching out but there is nothing anyone can say or do at this point that would help and not to blame themselves. I tell my grandma I miss her and my cousin JP who is my best friend but homeless in Nevada I wish I could have saved him.I tell my ex I love him and will miss his touch.
I first started feeling this a few months ago. It went away and then this happened and I have been planning ever since. Usuaully if I get these thoughts it goes away quickly or I think about it and realize I am being stupid. But that part of me that reasons has burnt out. I don't want a future. I don't want anything. I want to fade away.
I wrote a letter. Two actually. They are sealed and next to my bed and I have been debating the best way to end all this. There is nothing to live for. Before my relationship I was aloof. I was wandering in a world where the color was dull and I didn't see anything in my future. My time with him was amazing and fun and easy, everything was easy and bright and I was happy. For the first time in 29 yrs... I went two yrs without depression. I have battled it my entire life. But now I don't want to do anything. I have no friends to lean on, my family is full of selfish people who arent close and we are all over the world so I can nto got to anyone. The few friends I od have are busy and starting their lives.
My letters tell my dad how very much I love him. My sister and brother that I miss when we were young and close. My mother is a horrible person and I tell her how much she has hurt me and hurt all of us. How much damage she has done and how I forgive her but still hate her. I apologize to my friends for not reaching out but there is nothing anyone can say or do at this point that would help and not to blame themselves. I tell my grandma I miss her and my cousin JP who is my best friend but homeless in Nevada I wish I could have saved him.I tell my ex I love him and will miss his touch.
I first started feeling this a few months ago. It went away and then this happened and I have been planning ever since. Usuaully if I get these thoughts it goes away quickly or I think about it and realize I am being stupid. But that part of me that reasons has burnt out. I don't want a future. I don't want anything. I want to fade away.
