I think im going crazy. please help

[Acer.D2]

I'm Mason and i'm 14. I've been posting on my usual forum but they keep deleating my posts. It's a touchy topic i guess. I've tried to do it twice before but I just can't. I really want to do something though and I always think of killing my dad. It's like it plays out in my mind and it's like it does happen, but I can't do this either. I know somethings wrong and that its not normal to think like this but I don't know why. The last person I told about these visions said I was a spoilt rich kid who just stopped getting what I want and i'm doing it for attention but thats not true. I've been thinking like this for about a year and a half. It's hard to explain and I cant really understand. My mom died when i was twelve and its not like i can talk about it with my dad because he wont listen and doesnt care. He gets so angry and yells at us so much. I have these dreams that are so real and its like im so scared all the time. i stopped going to school becase its so embarrasing people stare at me and they feel sorry for me and they dont want to talk to me or be my friend because they feel awkward and like they have to say something nice. i know i want to die soon but im too scared to try again i want to talk to someone that doesnt know me and thinks the same.

 

[~Serendipity~]

I'm Mason and i'm 14. I've been posting on my usual forum but they keep deleating my posts. It's a touchy topic i guess. I've tried to do it twice before but I just can't. I really want to do something though and I always think of killing my dad. It's like it plays out in my mind and it's like it does happen, but I can't do this either. I know somethings wrong and that its not normal to think like this but I don't know why. The last person I told about these visions said I was a spoilt rich kid who just stopped getting what I want and i'm doing it for attention but thats not true. I've been thinking like this for about a year and a half. It's hard to explain and I cant really understand. My mom died when i was twelve and its not like i can talk about it with my dad because he wont listen and doesnt care. He gets so angry and yells at us so much. I have these dreams that are so real and its like im so scared all the time. i stopped going to school becase its so embarrasing people stare at me and they feel sorry for me and they dont want to talk to me or be my friend because they feel awkward and like they have to say something nice. i know i want to die soon but im too scared to try again i want to talk to someone that doesnt know me and thinks the same.

Hi Mason

Sorry to read about your mom. It sounds to me that you have nothing to lose but everything to gain by telling your Dad how you feel. Obviously I dont know yours or your families circumstances but your dads yelling etc could all stem from him grieving for your mom ? I know when my mom died I was awful and so angry and sometimes those closest to me would be confused and would blame themselves when it really was nothing to do with them, it was all me and I eventually had alot of apologising to do.

It has only been a couple of years since your mom and it can take a very long time to come to terms with losing someone close. Its been nearly five years since my mom and I still can have moments where it feels like yesterday.

I dont know if you can relate to what Im saying but I hope you will continue to come here to chat, let off steam, whatever really ... and know that you are welcome and more importantly that you are not alone :smile: