I think I'm going Insane

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Iron Pigeon, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    Evenin' all.
    I know i posted yesterday but i still feel crap.

    But recently...well for about 10 years i've kept everything built up, everything that hurt me stayed inside me (wahey) and at first i kept my rage in by clamping on my lips, my youngest brother always took the piss out of me whenever i did this saying "Your doing your stupid angry face again" which didn't help, which followed a fight, which followed me being hit and being told that i can't hurt him, i'm 4 years older than he is (back when i was 10 and he was 6) but he really did grind my gears.

    I got bullied at school from year 4 til year 11. Being told i'm a disgrace to the nation, and when we were mean't to organise things as a class, it was always "We don't want you to help, we don't like you".

    Fast forward til recently and my mouth twitch has now developed to an eye twitch and this isn't when i'm annoyed, this is anytime. Also, i have visions of me xxxx different people that i have been in confrention with in ways which would've before disturbed me, like using xxxxx, xxxxx, xxxxx etc etc.

    I just feel like i am losing my mind and (if you read my previous post) my will to live. I just feel like giving up and i honestly don't know what to do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As I said to your other post, what we feel is so different from what we do...you sound like you need to continue to express how you feel...it does help...please know many of us feel angry and it takes a lot of bravery to put a voice to it...J
  3. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    Thing is if you go to people to try and express how you feel, they through it back at you and tell you to grow up, so i find bottling it up as hard as i can is the best thing for it.
  4. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i find ranting in emails to myself helpful...
    it's my way of journaling, i guess

    u can rant to us...

    my therapist suggested writing down what i want to say to people and reading it out loud...it's suppose to make u feel better somehow? it kinda works...
  5. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    I heard that writing what you feel and burning it is mean't to release your stress but i can't see how
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think you're a bit beyond that to be honest, though it can be a really useful tool at certain stages of depression.
    I'm glad you posted today (although I'm obviously very sorry you feel the way you do) By posting today you've opened up a bit more about what's going on in your life and how you've got to where you are today. That's a really positive step.
    If I remember correctly, your parents are going through a divorce and your mother is never going to win Mother Of The Year award. I think this new post shows that your parents have been having a very negative effect on you for your whole life from childhood.
    You're now having the crisis that all those years have been leading up to and it's not surprising. It was going to have to come out at some point and be dealt with.
    Didn't you say that your younger brother had mild autism? Children on the autistic spectrum, no matter how mild, can be very difficult to live with and at the age of 10 you'd have been incapable of dealing with that. You wouldn't have had the skills. So I want you to stop beating yourself up about anything that went on between you and your brother.
    You should be furious that you were beaten as a child though, that's totally unacceptable and is another example of your parents failure to be parents. Unfortunately we can't change the past so you're going to have to talk it out with a counsellor and then put it in box marked 'the past'.
    Same with the bullying at school to be honest. There's nothing you can do about it now.
    Being told that you were 'a disgrace to the nation' seems a bit over the top. Who said that to you because they had delusions of grandeur if they thought they were moulding 'the nations finest'. It's total rubbish. How can any child be a 'disgrace to the nation'? The idea is ludicrous and so is the person who said it. You should feel sorry for them and have a good laugh at how stupid they were.
    You've now got to a stage where you want payback and who can blame you? The best payback is to survive despite all the moron's who've surrounded you for most of your life.
    You do need to talk and it doesn't sound like you're talking to the right people. Can you arrange different therapy? Or keep talking on here?
    Stay strong, you will get through this and then you can write a brilliant song which captures all that emotion and feeling and speaks to a whole generation. Think of how good that will be xxx
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