I think I'm having a mental breakdown

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LittleDorrit, Aug 15, 2012.

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  1. LittleDorrit

    LittleDorrit New Member

    I've been browsing forums for a long time recently and only just felt that I honestly needed to sign up to one and post.

    I'm 22. I'm a graduate. I have a boyfriend. The world is supposed to be full of opportunities for me.

    I wanted to be a researcher for spinal cord injuries but I seriously screwed up at university. I have a degree but it's worthless due to the grade. 3 years of hell, all that time, energy and stress for nothing. I was meant to learn yoga, sign language, get a part-time job, volunteer and reinvent myself there, but the course was so incredibly difficult and I had a 2-4 hour commute to there and back everyday, it drained me and burned me out. I had no time for anything except the course. After I saw the grade I had acheived I spent 24 hours in bed. I deactivated my Facebook because everyone was having fun celebrating their Firsts and having parties. I have cut out all those gossipers and refuse to attend their stupid parties.

    This was last year. I have been unemployed and jobhunting for over a year now and I'm beginning to unravel.

    Towards the end of last year, I made changes to my life to try and improve myself. After constantly moaning about my lack of lovelife ("People find their soulmates uni" my arse) I joined a dating website, found a guy; I took a 4-week intensive course to gain a qualification to teach English (this cost £1000 of my father's money); I did 90 days of hard exercise to lose some weight and tone up for a body ready for the beach.
    To my despair, after a few months, I was the only person from the intensive course to NOT get a job. I've also only been applying for low-key cashier and admin jobs, but they all scream for work experience, of which I have none. The only 3 non-relatives I am still in contact with tell me to keep my chin up and something will come along and I despise them for saying that. I hate hearing those words, they do not help, they do not do anything to alleviate my situation.

    I'm now at the point where I cry when I open a jobsite. I cried for 3 hours straight (personal best) the other day after I achieved my fastest automated rejection letter ever - 2 minutes within application. The tears stopped but I could still feel my eyes twinging. It was as if my brain had just shut down. Since then I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm moving and doing things but I feel like I'm on autopilot.

    I'm constantly being told I'm not good enough to stand behind a till and stack shelves, or photocopy and type letters for someone. I've even printed out my CV and handed them out at local shops with no reply. I cannot be any more humiliated, degraded and worthless right now. Actually, I could, and that is if I sign up for the dole, which I refuse to do so. People living off benefits are seen as the scum of society and I could do without that extra judgement right now.

    I volunteer as a teacher with my course qualification, but it costs money to travel and the charity is too poor to reimburse me. It's digging into my meagre savings and it hasn't helped me in my jobhunt. I haven't even been offered an interview.

    My parents have been none the wiser to my state of mind. They only know hard physical labour and don't believe that people can suffer mentally. They say, "Why are you upset? You don't have a family to take care of or a job to do. There's nothing to be upset about." They doubt that I have been trying hard to find a job. They don't understand that new jobs aren't posted everyday, especially ones that I am "qualified" to do. I no longer discuss or let them into my emotions.

    I feel terrible for my boyfriend. He's busy working and these days I just don't want to speak to him. He knows I'm mental right now and he's trying his best, but I don't want to drag him down and add stress to his packed schedule. I can't take up all his time like this. I've cut myself off from him for a while now and on the verge of dumping him for his own good. I'm too strapped for cash to travel to meet him anyway. He offers to pay for things because he knows I can't afford them and it makes me feel even worse about myself, about my inability to find a job and support myself.

    If I wasn't living with my parents I'd be homeless. My friends are all employed and moving out whilst I'm stuck here begging money off my parents like a delinquent 16 year old. It's so pathetic.

    I cannot afford to go out and do fun things or indulge in my interests. Everything requires money and I have none. What could possibly be in store for me in the future if I can't start saving now for holidays, a house and a pension? The longer I am unemployed, the worse it looks on my CV, that's common knowledge.

    My notes have all been composed in my head though I don't think I'll write them.
    I have no appetite. I have no more desire to continue. I stayed in bed for about 15 hours today. I don't really want to get up out of it again. I don't have anything to get out of bed for. I held a knife against my arm for a few minutes but I didn't cut.

    I think I'm having a mental breakdown and I don't know what to do.
    (It took me so long to write this, the website logged me out, hahaha)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2012
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Go see your doc and get some anti-depressants.

    Once you tackle the depression you'll think clearer and have more motivation.
    When you feel ready to take on the world again, re-do the CV, have a look at some examples on-line.
    Basically you're trying to sell yourself, make sure your CV stands out.
    Put every positive thing about yourself on it.
    If you see a job advertised, do a little research on the company/school/whatever and make sure you throw that knowledge in on the application form.
    The job market is a nightmare at the moment, so it's a case of keep on plugging.
    Also, have you looked into temp work? This can get your foot in the door and gives you work experience and something to put on the CV.
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