I think I'm having a precrisis crisis

[extraterrestrialone]

Not sure this belongs in this thread. I'm not planning a suicide and don't want to die but some things have been going on - like intrusive thoughts and worse that they become psychological self harm on top of the usual.

Hijacker seems to be asserting itself more and offering me much chaos. It insists that it has merely identified the true me and that even though being that will be destructive in very painful ways, it is intent on "helping" me. But offers nothing in the way of comfort, happiness, friendship, security, reason or finding support.

I just texted my therapist and she suggests that this is symptomatic of my illnesses. But that does nothing to help deescalate the situation. She says I refused the solution - meds.

I've unsuccessfully expressed to everyone the potential disaster I see with meds. No one has quelled my fears. I just wish there as a way to have even a little security and feeling of support close at hand. But I guess support means I'm taking the easy way out - like being abandoned and isolated is good for me.

I've been abandoned and isolated all my life and look where it got me. Right now I could go either way to a total breakdown or resumed denial and dissociation. And I don't even know which is worse.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

I'm not sure what to say, but I have experience with intrusive thoughts so I empathize with you ♥ they are awful aren't they.

I would say denial/dissociation is worse in the long run, it gives you a break, but it'll come out sooner or later and kinda be more heavy if you don't let it out bit by bit instead, if that makes sense.

Sorry you feel so bad

 

[extraterrestrialone]

I'm not sure what to say, but I have experience with intrusive thoughts so I empathize with you ♥ they are awful aren't they.

I would say denial/dissociation is worse in the long run, it gives you a break, but it'll come out sooner or later and kinda be more heavy if you don't let it out bit by bit instead, if that makes sense.

Sorry you feel so bad

Thanks much for your reply Lost! all thoughts are very appreciated. and yes what you say makes lots of sense but i’m so bleeping old after having spent so much of my life in denial and i believe dissociation and self harm.

i may be best off staying in denial and dissociation if i can go that way another 20 years or so, but i have this demonly thing in me that does intend to make me come face to face with things i cannot be prepared for and will hate having to face at a point in my life where doing anything proactive with it seems to be way in the past.

and not only because of my age, but because the system we live under does not want to help old people except to make waiting for the end appear to be a satisfactory solution.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

Thanks much for your reply Lost! all thoughts are very appreciated. and yes what you say makes lots of sense but i’m so bleeping old after having spent so much of my life in denial and i believe dissociation and self harm.

i may be best off staying in denial and dissociation if i can go that way another 20 years or so, but i have this demonly thing in me that does intend to make me come face to face with things i cannot be prepared for and will hate having to face at a point in my life where doing anything proactive with it seems to be way in the past.

and not only because of my age, but because the system we live under does not want to help old people except to make waiting for the end appear to be a satisfactory solution.

you're welcome

that's awful, I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds so hard, but keep doing your best. You're not worth any less just because you're older ♥ it's horrible when we have to face these things but we can get through them ♥

 

[NothingisReal1970]

Hey, you’re not alone. I feel the exact same way. I’m also a bit older. The mental illness I have causes me to have constant suicidal ideation. It’s a dark place and I’ve learned to cope. There is no med that makes it ever really go away. No amount of positive talks, meditation, yoga, exercise, eating well... you name it. None of it provides relief from the heaviness and extreme mental anguish. I can’t get away from it and it disrupts every part of my life and every relationship I have. I isolate and disassociate as my only coping mechanism. To go through life, numb, is normal. I retreat to it in order not to go insane, whatever that means. Every one is a bit insane and if they say they’re not, they are lying even to themselves. Every single one of us has a dark side. Having a mental illness compounds that dark side where it sometimes is untamable. It’s tiring to fight because it’s absolutely relentless. I hope you find refuge somewhere, somehow. When you do, share where others can find it in their minds. It’s the mind that is ill. Flare ups happen. Have hope even when it feels beyond hopeless.

 

[extraterrestrialone]

Flare ups happen.

i’m a bit frightened now. my hijacker is making demands that i find very self hurtful not just in the sense of what is generally called self harm, but that it wants to hurt me emotionally and psychologically. it wants to tear down the person that i am and leave me full of vulnerabilities that i have no idea of how to manage. lately i am hoping i can at least find a good mental healthcare team to work along with my therapist for support for when it happens. i see a storm in the horizon coming.

 

[Lara_C]

Please don't be afraid @extraterrestrialone . No matter what bad, self doubting and self critical thoughts come into your mind, know that you are are good, loving and kind, and let yourself feel that within you instead of fear created by the falsehoods of your inner critic. There is another outcome than breakdown or denial.

 

[extraterrestrialone]

Please don't be afraid @extraterrestrialone . No matter what bad, self doubting and self critical thoughts come into your mind, know that you are are good, loving and kind, and let yourself feel that within you instead of fear created by the falsehoods of your inner critic. There is another outcome than breakdown or denial.

diagnosiswise i am schizoaffective and or schizotypal. hijacker is in line with those diags but for me, diagnosis is not all that significant. i have to deal with hijacker like it is someone who assaults me regularly. intellectually i can grasp that it is an illness, but grasp it or not, i fail at controlling it. it controls me. it is intent on using that control and hurting me. and i just don’t know that i can’t avoid what i see coming. this is truly insane when i try to be as objective as i can be. i am going to face some very difficult situations in me that will not bring on any happiness.

 

[Lara_C]

intellectually i can grasp that it is an illness, but grasp it or not, i fail at controlling it. it controls me. it is intent on using that control and hurting me. and i just don’t know that i can’t avoid what i see coming

I think you have to see that the fear, shame, guilt laden thoughts are only thoughts in your mind which would stop it you felt the truth in your heart. Let the goodness there rise up and take the place of the disturbing thoughts.

It could be meds will quieten your mind, and that would help you relax and to feel more peaceful. I know you're reluctant, but I think you should reconsider. If you don't like them you can stop taking them

 

[extraterrestrialone]

I think you have to see that the fear, shame, guilt laden thoughts are only thoughts in your mind which would stop it you felt the truth in your heart. Let the goodness there rise up and take the place of the disturbing thoughts.

i am having trouble with what you are saying because i do not know how it works with what is going on that i’m talking about. if there is truth it may be a truth i do not feel comfortable with or like. there is something running around and i am unable to determine if it is truth or lie. either plays with my heart and does not sit right. i do not know what to go by for realizing the truth.

 

[Lara_C]

if there is truth it may be a truth i do not feel comfortable with or like

I just meant, your warm heartednesses, kindness, empathy, compassion. How can the bad thoughts in your mind about yourself be true?

 

[extraterrestrialone]

I just meant, your warm heartednesses, kindness, empathy, compassion. How can the bad thoughts in your mind about yourself be true?

do you think hijacker is just bad thoughts? it is at very least a disease that professionals have identified and named. but whatever hijacker is it activates the ideas and becomes insistent. i truly can not determine if hijacker lies or knows.

so why does hijacker tell lies that feel like they are not coming from me but are coming from knowledge of me? lies that i keep feeling are actually truths yet causing great disarray.

 

[Lara_C]

it is at very least a disease that professionals have identified and named. but whatever hijacker is it activates the ideas and becomes insistent. i truly can not determine if hijacker lies or knows.

Whatever the source of the bad thoughts about you, the important thing is whether they are true or false. Are you really the bad, faulty person these thoughts define you as, or is there something more to you which proves them to be false? Are you living from your heart? You can't feel peace or joy in you if the mind is full of obstructing thoughts.

I feel if the negative thoughts are becoming overwhelming, you should reconsider meds to calm your mind. Therapy might be more effective when combined with meds, as it is for a lot of people

 

[Walker]

 

[Floatingaroundinoblivion]

Hey, you’re not alone. I feel the exact same way. I’m also a bit older. The mental illness I have causes me to have constant suicidal ideation. It’s a dark place and I’ve learned to cope. There is no med that makes it ever really go away. No amount of positive talks, meditation, yoga, exercise, eating well... you name it. None of it provides relief from the heaviness and extreme mental anguish. I can’t get away from it and it disrupts every part of my life and every relationship I have. I isolate and disassociate as my only coping mechanism. To go through life, numb, is normal. I retreat to it in order not to go insane, whatever that means. Every one is a bit insane and if they say they’re not, they are lying even to themselves. Every single one of us has a dark side. Having a mental illness compounds that dark side where it sometimes is untamable. It’s tiring to fight because it’s absolutely relentless. I hope you find refuge somewhere, somehow. When you do, share where others can find it in their minds. It’s the mind that is ill. Flare ups happen. Have hope even when it feels beyond hopeless.

So very true.

 

[Floatingaroundinoblivion]

I 100% understand disassociating and isolating. It’s so hard to not hurt those who want to help but because of the nature of this asshole disease most of the time it’s impossible. Then hurting Innocent well-meaning others just compounds the agony.

 

[Floatingaroundinoblivion]

Hey, you’re not alone. I feel the exact same way. I’m also a bit older. The mental illness I have causes me to have constant suicidal ideation. It’s a dark place and I’ve learned to cope. There is no med that makes it ever really go away. No amount of positive talks, meditation, yoga, exercise, eating well... you name it. None of it provides relief from the heaviness and extreme mental anguish. I can’t get away from it and it disrupts every part of my life and every relationship I have. I isolate and disassociate as my only coping mechanism. To go through life, numb, is normal. I retreat to it in order not to go insane, whatever that means. Every one is a bit insane and if they say they’re not, they are lying even to themselves. Every single one of us has a dark side. Having a mental illness compounds that dark side where it sometimes is untamable. It’s tiring to fight because it’s absolutely relentless. I hope you find refuge somewhere, somehow. When you do, share where others can find it in their minds. It’s the mind that is ill. Flare ups happen. Have hope even when it feels beyond hopeless.

 

[Floatingaroundinoblivion]

I just meant, your warm heartednesses, kindness, empathy, compassion. How can the bad thoughts in your mind about yourself be true?

I struggle with this question too!!

 

[Floatingaroundinoblivion]

So very true.

You are definitely not alone either. I think we all share some trait of this at one point or another. Getting help is the near impossible part. Most hotlines or emergency “stays” are a joke. Which is really sad because that bad experience keeps people from believing there’s hope. There is an enormous absence of adequate help in most places. It’s so disappointing that attempting to reach out, in itself only exacerbates the misery and lonely mental anguish, whisk is really sad.

 

[extraterrestrialone]

Whatever the source of the bad thoughts about you, the important thing is whether they are true or false. Are you really the bad, faulty person these thoughts define you as, or is there something more to you which proves them to be false? Are you living from your heart? You can't feel peace or joy in you if the mind is full of obstructing thoughts.

I feel if the negative thoughts are becoming overwhelming, you should reconsider meds to calm your mind. Therapy might be more effective when combined with meds, as it is for a lot of people

Did I not reply to this? I thought I did. I am moving more away from meds. I see Taking meds as a way of avoiding dealing with the issue that is causing the problem. It appears that most people consider getting to the real problem an impossible thing but when I think how present hijacker is and how intermingled hijacker is with me, two thoughts occur to me. One is that a med will not discern between us two and just destroy both of us. And two, that if hijacker is so present, that basic issue may really be a lot closer than providers want to realize. Taking the easy (med) way may not be the right course of action to take. And besides, the professionals and med manufacturers are obsessed with anxiety and depression being what troubles most everyone without actually trying to discover the real problems. I think profit and laziness are playing into it here. Kind of like, "just shut up and take the meds and stop making my job so difficult". Does a heart surgeon rely on meds to take care of the problem? I just think my issues may actually be staring everyone in the face. I can't see a thing but it's so present every day I need to keep chasing it down.