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I think i'm too different for anyone to understand..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by james9, Sep 27, 2012.

  1. james9

    james9 New Member

    I'm gonna make this short and sweet without dragging it on haha. i live in a very small town word gets around quick your ranked in social status if you can fight or not. I never had parents, aunts, uncles etc...no one as a kid when i grew up told me right from wrong or just small life lessons. I'm over that i don't mind i have no one to talk to in my family and i'm 21 years old i've been single for seven years and i was the popular guy in school i'm one of the nicest guys you'll meet but i can throw down like bruce lee...i was bullied severely as a kid even by my cousins so i've always had to push back and fight. the only thing i am vulnerable too is love...i've recently started dating a girl which whom i care about a lot i support her and her younger brother beacause their mother is a addict. My mother and father don't have a great relationship and my dad often gets drunk and talks about getting divorced at 65 my mother recently got over her 3 round of cancer money is tough in the family..i take alot of vallium and xanax any benzo..and my girl friend tells me she loves me wants to have my baby (probably sounds like young love which it is) but I'm a guy thats always watchin my back people are always looking to test your fighting skills where i live..i've had some messed up shit happen to me as a kid i'm a real old school guy with old school principles so i don't talk about what happened to me i poured a lot of my heart out to my girl and everyone that knows me says i never smile..i've been trying my hardest for this seven years not to commit suicide i pray to god i'm thankful for every beautiful thing on this earth i try to do good but everyone always abandons me or doesn't give me a chance and these past two weeks i've had suicide heavy on my mind and recently i read an article about a music producer that shot himself and his wife or girlfriend said he was just very tired and wanted peace...i'm starting to feel as if i can be at peace and let go like i'm not scared any more....everyone says think about your family and i do and honestly they would heal rather quickly my uncle turned his back on his son our family is in turmoil if i didn't like drinking smoking weed and doing pills so much i would have caved in and done it.
    thanks for reading my post. deuces'
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can replace all those things you do to survive with more positive coping skills now hun. You don't like to talk about things but you have to inorder to heal
    A therapist is someone you can do that with one that will help you move forward and out of that darkness you are in. Your gf loves you very much and she would be devastated if you left Do this for YOU hun get well get strong and have a life you want and deserve
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi James, welcome to Sf.... thanks for sharing your story with us. Am sorry to hear you had no relatives while you were growing up, but you talk about your mum and dad - so are these not your natural parents? Sorry you were shown no love or given no guidance, and have learned to keep yourself safe by other means (not all bad at all :) The love you are lacking is available for you honey, it is there to be discovered. Those who have let you down cannot give it to you hun, but that does not mean it isn't there.

    I am sorry that your family is in turmoil, sounds like you need to distance yourself from them for a while, to clear your head and bring back some hope that you can chart a different course. Good that your gf is there for you to support you, just take it carefully and don't rush into baby-making etc. because that is a whole new stress in itself as far as love is concerned, if you're not ready. I reckon your gf isn't going to abandon you as she is thinking of a future with you, and her love and support is what you can build on while you find your peace hun.... :)
  4. james9

    james9 New Member

    yeah they are my natural parents they had me at a late age my mother was 37 and on the weekends my family would take turns going to each others houses and would sit and drink till the nights end and would leave us kids to hang out. i was the youngest of the family so naturally i was left out and still am to this day in my family. my GF left me today gave me no explanation why and i really opened up to her and she told me things that were a major impact on her life she didnt share with anyone and this recently took me a very long time to open up and talk about it and now it was over in a text she would tell me babe were a team nothing little will separate us etc..i know there is plenty of women out there and stuff i'm about to turn 21 and hit the club scene but will anyone ever be true to me and mean what they say? i can never seem to believe anyone anymore when they say they care about me:(
    P.S thanks for the welcome to the site...
  5. ripples

    ripples Member

    Sounds like you grew up in a total shit hole. :)

    Wouldn't worry about loosing people that can produce such attached sentiments then bail shortly after, she is either a moron, liar or both. Fuck her.Perhaps look for hobbies where you can join a group and socialize as a collective towards a goal, it's more likely to result in acquaintances whom are honest, you might make a friend (quite unlikely if you adhere to a deep definition of friendship.) Death and sleep aren't the same, sleep for instance has variable stages, some of which involve partial consciousness, sleep is enjoyable and could be viewed as a pass time, death is finality which involves exactly nothingness times infinity.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2012
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi again James, yes, I would agree, that finding a hobby - something you really enjoy - that will be an expression of your creativity - maybe something like a class in water-colour painting or whatever - where you get a chance to meet with people who are focussed on more than what happens in nightclubs - would be a really good idea for where you are at the moment.

    I am sorry for the pain caused by the gf leaving, but really, it sounds like her immaturity is the last thing you need - if she could drop you like that with no explanation. You are 21, that does not mean you're expected to have it all together (not that many adults have anyway, they just appear to, able to flourish on the surface of the water and ignore the stuff deeper down). You have opportunities to get to know yourself, (as in self-awareness) and develop your character honey - and these things will help you through. PM me if you like, I know of a site and a method that has helped me all the way into healing - and I didn't discover it till well into my 40's - I wish it had been around when I was 20!
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi James...I know what it is like to have to be tough (knife in sock, tough) and watch my back too...I must admit to several vicious fights in school, but they were usually because someone else was getting hurt...it was not until my senior yr of high school, when some moron tried to make my life miserable...I did get him back 3 years later when I was a ground Stew for an airlines, had lost an enormous amt of weight, dyed my hair, etc., and he tried to pick me up...he went to CA and his luggage went to Maine (my bad!)...when do we stop fighting? That was a lesson I had to learn...not to fight how I really felt (I too was very mistreated by my family), and how do I stop self-medicating and try to be in the world? This is not an easy path, but one worth the effort...hope you continue to be a nice person, but also take care of yourself in a way that does not push people away.