I think I'm too far gone (Back to how it was before...)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bigman2232, Oct 26, 2009.

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  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    I honestly think that I may be too far gone to fix and that means I have two options. 1) Continue trying to get help but ultimately feel the same, continuing on with a life void of happiness and companionship or 2) I end it.

    I was so excited at the start of September. I had gotten some confidence from an experience, I was soon to be done my schooling and I was going to make moves to find someone to share time with.

    Move two weeks after that and I was back to my low confidence, hated being in school and completely heart broken about my chances of finding a gf. Not to mention I put a huge gash in my left bicep (and I had gone 4 months with nothing)

    Fast forward to now and it's worse. I'm completely avoiding all school work and when I do it, it's incredibly bad and half assed. I put a hole in my wall because I became so angry I just needed to hit something. I can't even hang out with my friends because I fell in love with one and she is incredibly happy with another guy (who is basically the same as me in personality) and watching them together is painful.

    I signed up for Plenty of Fish and it's been a disaster. I recieved an email 5 minutes after joining from a girl. We chatted a little then gave each other msn info. Talked to her for a few minutes until she asked what car I have. I told her I didn't have one and she immediately blocked me. (it says I didn't have one in my profile)

    So that was another piece of evidence for I suck and confirmed a fear I have. basically how am I supposed to be there for someone when I'm completely broke, and have nothing to make me an adult. And waiting to get this stuff is going to be awhile and I don't see the point if I'm alone.

    I'm just too fucked up in the head. I've tried therapy, I've tried medication and I've tried to fight but none of it has worked. I look back at all the evidence and all it points out is that I'm an excellent listener, but unless they are drunk a girl/woman will never show me any affection and if they do, they will regret it and ask if we can ignore it.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    This sounds like I had written it, very similar.

    Apart from it's taken me a while to try and get happy on my own (still trying.. any day now!) :-\
    And realise that the reason I feel like I have nothing to offer (and I don't mean a car, that girl was childish, shallow and idiotic, did SHE have a car?) is because I haven't come to terms with being me and made myself worthy and dateable. I often think "okay I know there is someone out there who would want to be with me, but if I am looking at them everyday thinking why the hell does he want to be with me, then it is I who has the problem and I need to fix that first and foremost".
    It's a lonely existence trying to 'fix' yourself but you've gotta do it alone, without reassurance from anybody else.

    It sounds like you were doing well back in September, with the schooling. Focus on that? Your own achievements. Why is your work half assed and why are you avoiding it? What made you angry and want to cut?
    Have you thought about maybe making some new friends, hanging out with different people? It's rough when you fall for a friend - I know how that is also, been there twice and it sucked when I lost them both.

    I know you say none of it has ever worked but it only takes one time for the tide to change. If you keep doing the same things, you are going to keep getting the same outcome.
    Say to yourself this time "what can I do differently". And go from there.
    Keep posting here though and we'll keep trying to help! :)

    Remember - You're never too far gone to come back.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Like Linds said, you're NOT too far gone to come back. You can do it. I know being alone sucks, and it really hurts. And I'm sorry for how people treated you (that girl who blocked you because you don't have a car sounds mean). But your life is worth something; it's worth fighting for.
  4. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    See I was doing better in September because I finally had real life proof that a girl can be attracted to me (in fact so much that she made the move). But that didn't work out and it turned into another example of only being interested when girls are drunk. I was trying to ignore that part and focus on the positives but I just keep getting more and more examples of that being the case.

    I know I have something to offer, but my problem is knowing how to get someone initially. I hold back a lot of what I think and want to do for the women I find myself attracted to because I don't want to come on too strong and always seem like the guy that is going to hit on them.

    As for school, I just don't care. After my 2nd year of University I was bored and frustrated with how it works. I work better by teaching myself and simply asking questions when I don't fully grip something. This means if you gave me the list of texts I can do it on my own for a few thousand instead of 50,000. I'm now in my 6th year and I feel like I've been given very little for what I've had to pay and deal with (I'm paying on my own through loans and rackign up debt).

    even writing this I just don't care. I just want it over.
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