I can't do this any more. This isn't how my life was supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be sick. I'm not supposed to be in pain. I'm not supposed to have to rely on my own personal pharmacy to get me through each day. I want it all to go away, both the physical and the mental. I have three choices. One: Suffer with my multitude of health problems to the extent that I live a barely function life. Two: Take medications that only somewhat control my health problems a deal with side effects from the medications such as: impaired congitive ability, memory problems, extreme drowsiness, nausea and other digestive problems, and dizziness and balance so extreme I fall down and walk into things. Three: Give up. Obviously the first two choices suck. I think it's going to be more than just cutting this time. When I cut it hasn't been to kill myself. It has been to feel better. I realize now that I'm not going to feel better.