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I think it's time for me to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by .PEGASUS., Mar 8, 2018.

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  1. .PEGASUS.

    .PEGASUS. New Member

    I'm feeling extremely lonely and depressed. I have an intersex condition, Klinflelter's Syndrome that has ruined my life. It affected my sexual development at puberty. Basically I have no muscle development, gynecomastia and diagnosed with a micropenis. I was relentlessly ridiculed in my teens. The few times I even attempted relationships, girls either laughed in my face or had nothing to do with me after attempting to have sex. As a result, I isolated myself and avoided intimacy. I lost the few friends I had in my early 20s after they were married. I've pretty much been alone my entire life since. I have no confidence or self esteem. I had gynecomastia surgery several years ago but what does that even matter when I still have a micropenis. No girl would ever want to be with me when everything seems to evolve around sex. I feel worthless as a human being and really just ready to end it all. I've tried to find hobbies to help distract me from all of this but nothing helps anymore. I don't want to be old and completely alone. I've recently lost my one long distance friend that I have had for the past 14 years (which we mostly chatted online) who also had issues and I could relate too. Now I'm completely alone and isolated in this world. I'm in my 40s now. Most people my age are married with kids in high school or college. I'm not sure how I managed to meander through life this long without offing myself. I'm such a failure at everything that I'm sure if I tried to end my life I'll just end up worse off in a failed suicide attempt. I really want to die. The one regret I have is that my two cats, which I care for, will die without me.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey there Pegasus

    Not here to downplay your feelings but just letting you know literally half of my friends in their late 30s and 40s are single due to many circumstances. There is women out there that simply do not enjoy sex due to many different reasons. There are women who prefers the smaller package when it comes to sex. It is how you use it. It is a major issue on several peoples minds when they try to start a relationship. I am sympathetic with you being unable to find that right match it is frickin hard out there.

    Take Care
     
  3. Alwayswrong

    Alwayswrong Well-Known Member

    Hi, @.PEGASUS! Welcome to SF!
    When I came here, I wanted to end my life but I my reason to go on living are my two dogs and my two cats. They were all stray and, as they are adults, nobody wanted them. I said to myself that all the animals I met have given me so much that I want to give them something back by taking care of as many as I responsibly can.
    I can only imagine how hard must be to have XXY syndrome. I'm sorry.
    Not every couple is based on sex. And there are asexual people too, who would like to share their lives with people like them to enjoy each other's company. There's even an asociation of them.
    And you'll meet great people here in SF!
     
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    You know, it's interesting. I'm in my mid-fifties now. When I look back on my twenties and thirties (the times when I was the most sexually active) I never think about the quality or quantity of sex that I had. I think about the relationships that I had with people (emotional intimacy, not physical intimacy). Not to mention that there are other ways to satisfy people sexually than using your anatomical parts. Sex is in the brain anyway. And all of those married people you mentioned with kids in high school have their own torments to deal with. Life is difficult, even for the people you believe have everything so together-they don't. Really digging into the human experience and getting out of it the most that you can is a lifelong process that takes dedication and commitment, but it's worth every bit of effort!

    I'm sorry about the situation that you're in-I'm sorry that you're beating yourself up so much over an issue that was never your fault in the first place. But I encourage you to start thinking about the possibility of learning how to love yourself for a change (instead of treating yourself badly). There is so much more to life than brief sexual encounters with virtual strangers. It's the relationships that really count in the end. And there is no more important relationship in your life than the relationship that you have with yourself. You don't deserve to be beat up and insulted by the only person that knows the whole truth about who you are and how you feel about things. You know that you don't deserve to live a bad life that is full of pain and sadness. My prayer is that you will start being one of the heroes in your life story, instead of one of the villains and start being kind and compassionate towards yourself. You definitely deserve it!
     
  5. maria7231017

    maria7231017 Member

    @.PEGASUS. sending you hugs my friend. you are worthy and you are loved. I hope you get to relax a little tonight and enjoy some time with your cats :) feel free to message me anytime.
     
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hi Pegasus , I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here and for the pain you feel in life. That said, the adages about "the grass is greener" and "want the things you can't have the most" are completely true. The number of people in their forties that do not have sex is in no way small. The number of lonely people in the world is staggering. I am not going to say you can have the things you are talking about as being problems- but lack of sex /size of genitalia/ non functioning genitalia/ all perfectly functioning no partner/ whatever situation is far from rare or unique. People that are alone and not married or children is well over 20% -a billion and half people. Now it sucks when things are not an option and were not your choice or in your ability to control- but love is not about sex, and many people willfully choose not to have sex and yes- it is much nicer if it is a choice rather than something out of your control- but you are right in the saying "everything seems to be about sex"- but that is media and Hollywood and not real life- in other words it is fiction and bs.

    While conventional sex may not really work for you, a real relationship with love is not out of the question if you do not decide that you do not want it because of something like that. You would find a LOT of women that would be very pleased to have a loving relationship that did not include sex if that was what you chose to look for. Sadly media and society has made sex into something far greater than it is - but the real purpose of and use for sex is intimacy- which is not precluded by lack of sexual relations- particularly as people get older and their hormone levels are naturally toned down to a level more in line with where yours come based on a genetic condition out of your control.

    I am very aware my words saying this mean nothing to you, compared to your 40 + years of observation and desire for something that seems impossible or out of reach. However i am also speaking as somebody that is aware of what it is that you are missing and I am not depending on an over-hyped concept for what it is. The great number of people with little/no sexual interest tend to keep silent. If you look around on dating sites you will see plenty of women interested in non -sexual relationships-
    Graham says the study also showed that "of women who entered menopause naturally as a result of aging, 52.4 percent confirmed very low/ no levels of desire. By contrast, 26.7 percent of women still getting their periods and 39.7 percent of women in menopause because of surgical interventions (removal of the ovaries) found themselves without sexual urges."
    So get away from media/Hollywood/internet hype and even in prime youth over 1 in 4 women have little/no interest in sex. That does not change your interest/desire, or the fact you feel like you are missing out on something, I am not going to claim you are not, and yes, that sucks. But there are a great many things people miss out on in life for a gazillion reasons- - and no single thing makes life meaningless or gives it meaning. You do not need to be alone- now or forever, you can have a very conventional relationship on the terms that are appreciated by the woman you are with as opposed to her feeling like she is obligated to something she does not desire or enjoy.

    You listed other issues, but I do think most seem to come from your esteem problem based off this issue. I do hope, while not expecting you to change your mind about the importance, you would consider if life could be more worthwhile if instead of going after something you are convinced is impossible for you, you instead work on filling the void of loneliness by somebody that is not bothered by the lack of sex in a relationship and would in fact appreciate it. Compared to many other difficult situations (blindness, deafness, paraplegic/quadriplegic and hundreds more, plus the many many other conditions that make sex impossible) you are actually on fairly good if not better setting. That does not mean you are wrong for feeling pain, or that you should not, and I am not trying in anyway to diminish by comparison, simply to point out that your esteem and self identity does not have to be completely ruined by this issue- you can still have your esteem, and your self identity is not based on sexual ability or prowess - any more than anybody else's is.
     
    MagickLynx and Alwayswrong like this.
  7. Paul1234

    Paul1234 Well-Known Member

    Hey Pegasus. I’m sorry that you lost your only friend. That’s tough.

    But don’t let your condition bring you down. Be very proud of yourself for having your condition & not ever giving up. You’re extra special because of this.
     
  8. Paul1234

    Paul1234 Well-Known Member

    Also, if you ever want to talk about anything you can pm me.
     
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