i think ive got it.......

[patodemuerte]

there's a place right down the street from my school.... its the hospital ive been looking at... but i can take the bus down on the 19th...i wouldnt have to face my parents right then and they wouldn't even have to deal with taking me down there..... but i can go and at least try to get some help down there....

ive tried to come up with ways to tell my parents but i cant handle my mother breaking down and wanting me to come clean... and i'd go to my father but he'd just aske me where i went wrong........ i think this will be easiest for everyone around me.

i want to go and believe that i can come back and i can have and go through whats left of my "childhood" as a normal person. But i dont want have to come home and be called crazy by my family. I know my family back home will hear of this, and who knows what they'll say about it.

just thought id keep up to date and get some stuff off my chest...... thanks for listening.

 

[scared_child]

are u saying that you want to check yourself into a hospital? well, i think that if that is what you want to do, and you think it will help...good for you!:biggrin:

 

[patodemuerte]

yes. thats exactly what im saying. Its been 4 years now and i still havent "gotten over it"
its come to the point where, it doesnt just affect me every couple of hours or days, its almost every second of every day.
It sounds crazy to me that i cant control it anymore. I really don't. So, im going to attempt to do something about it. The only logical thing i see anymore is to admit myself into psychiatric care.... it made no sense before, but i'm starting to see that maybe you dont have to be eating grapes off the wall to be in such a place.

Hopefully, if you are feeling similar, you can try and do something about it too...:biggrin:

 

[ace]

pato there is nothing wrong with admitting yourself to a psychiatric ward who cares what anyone thinks,when I went in for the first time it didn't bother me what some people would've thought of me.And no it's not your fault that you cant control it because it's no way easy otherwise you would've walked this through ages ago,the fact you're still going says enough of how much you're trying.
Nothing is your fault and seriously there is nothing wrong with going into hospital,it may really help you.

 

[Esmeralda]

I think admitting yourself for care is a really brave thing to do. Good luck

 

[thecleric]

i'm starting to see that maybe you dont have to be eating grapes off the wall to be in such a place.

When I was on the inside, the people on my ward were 12-25 years old. There was a mix of eating disorders, depression, drug abuse, and even Tourette's syndrome. We were all oddballs, but there was entertaining variety. And none of us were raving lunatics.

It's not like a jail with padded cells.

Some people got a lot better. Others got a little better.

Enjoy your stay, as much as you can.

 

[theleastofthese]

I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive:sad: - or at least less destructive. I'm glad you have the sense to take care of yourself, just sorry you can't be open with family about it or they can't be more helpful. Good move on your part, tho. Best wishes for your recovery and for better days to come.:smile:

least

 

[jane doe]

i think you should think about what you need and nothing else. if you think you need the hospital, so go on, is a brave desition. i wish you luck and i hope you get better inthere.

(why is you nick name pato de muerte? or you wanted to use pacto de muerte and you wrote it wrong?)

 

[Allo..]

I think this is a wonderful thing to do =) good luck and i hope to hear from you when you come out!

Take care, all the best,
Ally _%

 

[patodemuerte]

my name, jane, is supposed to be patodemuerte. in spanish, i think it means duck of death (i know pact of death makes more sense though) but a friend and i (well were not really close friends anymore... but something kind of like that) but i love my little duck of death necklace that we made together and it kind of stuck with me.

i really came on to thank you guys for your support and encouraging me to do this. its a really big decision for me at this point and i like to know that there are some people who actually dont know me but still want to see me better.

i still think about telling them every morning and night and hour and second of my living life,but i cant seem to tell them..
My dad and brother's birthdays are coming up and id hate to ruin that for them, so my goal is to do something about this between the 19th and 25th... i hope it all turns out well, but my opinion of my life is always changing.... one moment ill say "I really need to go" and 5 minutes later its like " oh, no im fine... i dont even know why i wanted to go.." and another 5 minutes goes by and i say....why am i still here?

So asking them is difficult because im not always suicidal (but most of the time i am) the times im not are when i just cant feel and i just stare at the wall........thinking and waiting for something to burst out of me.....some violent episode or nervous breakdown or something.....i can feel it becoming a greater and greater force everyday......and the homicidal/suicidal thoughts are taking over....... but i must wait until after January 18th (after my brother and father's birthdays...)

I hope i last that long....... your support really is why im here right now, but i dont think its going to last forever..... thanks guys....

 

[thecleric]

I hope i last that long....... your support really is why im here right now, but i dont think its going to last forever..... thanks guys....

Nonsense. You're still alive because of your own efforts. We wish you well, but you really can do this on your own.

Telling your family can be dizzying. But being prepared to take action to help yourself feel better makes a big difference.

And remember--mostly likely, it'll only be a few weeks at most. So get as much as you can out of it.

 

[Esmeralda]

Trust me, it will ruin their birthday more if you harm yourself or someone else. If you need to go to a hospital, then go. Especially if you are considering homicide. Nothing ruins a birthday party like a murder/suicide.

 

[kath]

Hey how are you doing?i hope you have the courage to go to the hospital.You are braver than me by even considering it - i know it is hard.And i admire you for it!!!!!!Please let us know how you are doing nad how things progress.Please try and keep safe and dont delay the hospital if things keep worsening.Please keep posting and im always here via PM [private messaging] anytime you want to talk privately or just need a friend or whatever.i think you are brave.Keep going!!!

Take care
kath