This has kind of been troubling me for a while... I'm a survivor of several instances of childhood sexual assault, rape, abuse and forced prostitution... so naturally I guess sex is a bit of a tricky subject for me... My boyfriend knows my entire messed up story and he's always very respectful... we've teased a bit (fully clothed though) on cam a few times, and I guess I started it... nothing really serious... and a few times I panicked, and before I said anything he stopped... asking me "Are you okay? Hey, it's okay... you're okay" and changed the subject completely and cheered me up. He didn't even try to persuade me to do anything more... and he didn't log off either... In a way I took those times as a test of him (not that I faked the panic) but it showed me that he does care and see me as a person, rather than a piece of meat to be used... However he does love sex... and I can't deny that I'm really attracted to him. I never knew I could be so into a man at all. I have never been with a man completely willingly... We do talk about sex a lot... and sometimes it's actually helping me... it's not in that ugly disrespecting way at all... and I've seen a pattern... When he's down sex cheers him up... Early in our relationship... and I never told him this... but I knew he was having a really bad day... so I played along despite not feeling up to talking about sex... it was a text chat so he couldn't see me. And in a way I felt like I was a prostitute again... feeling like I had to do that in a way... ugh. it's difficult to explain. But switching my head off that way was a trigger... It's gotten better though. Thank goodness. I am learning to respect myself more and he's learning my triggers... But yeah... I don't know this is a bit confusing. I guess I am worrying for nothing. We've been together for 20 months, he's saving like mad to come and visit me... he's held on for all those months... if he was so desperate for sex he could get it elsewhere right? And a plane ticket for a quick visit to Denmark from The Netherlands isn't that expensive either if he needed it that much (I actually told him he could do that a long while ago... but he wanted to wait until he had enough so he could stay and stay long enough to look for a job etc...)... I am worrying for nothing, right?