I think my amazing LDR boyfriend is a sex addict

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 4, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    This has kind of been troubling me for a while...

    I'm a survivor of several instances of childhood sexual assault, rape, abuse and forced prostitution... so naturally I guess sex is a bit of a tricky subject for me...

    My boyfriend knows my entire messed up story and he's always very respectful... we've teased a bit (fully clothed though) on cam a few times, and I guess I started it... nothing really serious... and a few times I panicked, and before I said anything he stopped... asking me "Are you okay? Hey, it's okay... you're okay" and changed the subject completely and cheered me up. He didn't even try to persuade me to do anything more... and he didn't log off either...
    In a way I took those times as a test of him (not that I faked the panic) but it showed me that he does care and see me as a person, rather than a piece of meat to be used...

    However he does love sex... and I can't deny that I'm really attracted to him. I never knew I could be so into a man at all.
    I have never been with a man completely willingly...

    We do talk about sex a lot... and sometimes it's actually helping me... it's not in that ugly disrespecting way at all... and I've seen a pattern...
    When he's down sex cheers him up...

    Early in our relationship... and I never told him this... but I knew he was having a really bad day... so I played along despite not feeling up to talking about sex... it was a text chat so he couldn't see me. And in a way I felt like I was a prostitute again... feeling like I had to do that in a way... ugh. it's difficult to explain. But switching my head off that way was a trigger...

    It's gotten better though. Thank goodness. I am learning to respect myself more and he's learning my triggers...

    But yeah... I don't know this is a bit confusing. I guess I am worrying for nothing.

    We've been together for 20 months, he's saving like mad to come and visit me... he's held on for all those months... if he was so desperate for sex he could get it elsewhere right? And a plane ticket for a quick visit to Denmark from The Netherlands isn't that expensive either if he needed it that much (I actually told him he could do that a long while ago... but he wanted to wait until he had enough so he could stay and stay long enough to look for a job etc...)...

    I am worrying for nothing, right?
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi my friend, from a guys point of view he sounds quite normal. I don't think he's a sex addict :) just a regular nice guy who loves you. Try and relax and realize he really loves and cares for you. You'll both have a wonderful life together.
    Bless you both
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  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you Brian. I know I am a bit 'thin skinned' because of my past so I overthink a lot... I don't have any normal experiences to measure him against.

    And I really needed a guys point of view! Thank you!
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  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I totally understand that, of course with all you've been through you're going to have thoughts like that. But I've read your posts about him and he seems like a really good man. He supports you and is very caring, today unfortunately that is a rare quality. I believe you two were meant to be together and that everything will work out. You've both had traumatic experiences and have found each other, you're in love and will help each other heal. I'm so happy for you to have found someone like this.
    Take care my friend and be gentle with yourself.
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  5. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    I agree with Brian. Everything you ever said about your boyfriend, including in this post, seems to indicate that he's a good guy.
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  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I know you have been through a lot, but he sounds like a really good guy :) If he only cared about sex, he would get childish or maybe verbally abusive if you refuse him. I've had guys in my past act manipulative or say things like "If you loved me, you would do this for me". So it sounds like your guy really loves and respects you. I think you have nothing to worry about, hun :)
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  7. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    I would be very careful with labeling him as a sexual addict. I know, that a lot of people find intimacy when they are sad, to be helpful with them. When he saw you weren't OK and was freaking out (even without-out having to tell him) he stopped, and was able to put your health, before his needs. When someone is an addict to something, they are unable to do that.

    What might lower your anxiety is having hard, soft, and no-limits during his first time (i.e things that you aren't going to be OK with...) so he knows, and can respect that. If you give him mixed messages and not being clear, it's going to be hard, and he's going to get anxious, not knowing, if something he does is triggering. You could even have a safe word if something becomes triggering.

    I have this issue with relationships, as well. I'm not a sexual person and haven't been with anyone willingly. When I try dating, and sexual things get brought up (esp really soon) I feel violated, scared, but think I"m over-reacting so I let things go on (even tho I want to say no) it's OK to say no, but you need to express things and communicate, work through them = ).
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  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you for all the replies. I really have been overthinking things.

    A part of my PTSD is that I have this 'natural' fear of men, (which makes me sound like an ultra feminist, in a bad way) but I have a fear that men can't control themselves with me... I usually turn that towards myself though, that it's something about me that caused that to happen in the past (when in reality I was just unlucky to meet some jerks)

    I actually did the sane thing today. I asked him. (I didn't ask him 'are you a sex addict?'!!) But I asked him if we could build a relationship not based on sex and of course he gave me the answer I was hoping for.

    We've early had talks about how to go about my fears and problems about sex and even touch at all... and he's very understanding. He knows what happened to me, and he wants to know what triggers me. He cares.

    Which is also weird. lol. Few people in my life truly care about me. My best friend does, and him. I am learning to allow that... I'm sorry I doubted him.

    @Sea Sparkles I am so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you can someday live by your own advice, is makes so much sense! *hugs*
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  9. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    @ThePhantomLady, I think I'm asexual (meaning, even with my past, the adversity to sexual situations, sex isn't something I want/ interested in. I don't have a sexual drive) I spoke to my therapist many times about this and she's content it's part of my sexuality. I do however, love to be intimate, cuddle, kiss, and close to someone (which can be hard...) Currently, I've been practicing non-sexual stuff with my best friend.

    It started off with me allowing him to rub my back once a week, and do so for a minute or two. This went on for a few months and then we tested other things (non-sexual). 2 1/2 years into our friendship I cried in-front of him, and that day, I leaped into his arms, and he held me for 10 minutes, and just cuddled me, telling me it was ok. Every month he gives me my 10 minute hug, tells me how proud he is of me, and how strong of a person I am.

    We've tested things (not sexual) but intimate, that I don't want to quite discuss here, but were part of transgression and needing work through things. And we talked about a lot (like I said above) What I was going to be never OK with, what I might be OK with in the future (i.e he would have to ask for), and what was OK for him to try at anytime (and knowing the "green" still meant slow work up in some cases). We also had a safe-word, and if I ever felt triggered or unsafe, I was to use it, so that he could help me come out of what it was I was feeling. He was/ is the first person whom has ever cared for me, and I'm so glad I got to experience it (and so glad you have a BF that cares so much to respect your limits).

    It's a platonic, very close friendship. But, what he had done (and keeps doing) is help make me realize not all guys are bad people. I'm encouraged to go onto dates, and meet people. I'm just not there yet :c I will one day!

    But for now, I'm at a content place at life :- )

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  10. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Hi Sea Sparkles,

    I'm happy you are doing better and have a good friend.

    Take care of his feelings though, he might very well be in love with you at this point. I've been the guy in friendship like this before, it's very hard to live.

    Good luck!
    Sea Sparkles likes this.
  11. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member


    Thank you for your concern. It's not like that. He see's me as a younger cousin/ sister/ family/ and is a protective type figure. And the person he's currently dating knows how close we are and respects that. We've talked about feelings (including ones I've felt) and worked through a lot, knowing our boundaries, and limits with each other. Which is a great feeling.

    /// blah, I feel like I've hijacked this thread : (
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  12. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    No worries about that hun, keep talking! *hugs*
    I hope it helps you to go through those things with him!
  13. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    @ThePhantomLady, my point was suppose to come across, that we can overcome and trust again. For me, it's in a friendship setting (and not quite *sex*) but still trusting, in a vulnerable way. Communicate with him is 100% the key. I actually made a google chart for my friend to reference to:

    Triggers (listed: and explained some but, not all)
    Red Flags (Meaning: they may or may not be a trigger, but something that will always be No).
    Yellow (Not there yet, but might want to try in the future/ discuss first).
    Green: Things I think I'm OK with

    The Google doc could be modified, made comments on (i.e a trigger might also be in the yellow, of some day wanting to get to the point). For me, hair touching was a huge issue. I desired to have my hair played with, and fingers ran through (but due to more physical abuse) it was also a strong "trigger" and so when my friend and I, did something with my hair, he was very mindful of it being in the Yellow, and knowing it was a trigger, and without me consenting and asking to try it, was off tables. It was also done in a setting that was in caution due to the communication that went into it.

    For example (you don't have to answer here) but you have to figure out if sex is something you *want* during your first visit (or X amount of time he's staying there), and were on the grid that would fit. What would things that would be acceptable for the first few times you two hang out, be? Would hand holding trigger you? A certain word phrase? Guys in general need things (normally) spelled out for them: and so finding a system that makes your voice heard, and known, will help them.

    With PTSD, each piece has to be broken down slowly, and there are times, it's very healing, to feel like the one in control of when testing something new (or at least an equal) and being slowly introduced to the things.

    I really hope things go well!

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  14. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you, that's a really great idea! I'll look into that.

    We have talked a lot about what things are okay, what isn't and what I want to do when I'm ready...
    He knows I can't make any promises... sometimes I can't even stand being hugged.
    I plan on trying for a hug when we meet and see how that feels. I worry that the longer I hold back on touching him the scarier it will be... if that makes sense?

    But he knows how I feel, and we've talked about it so many times... I worried if I had to pull away from a hug, or stop something intimate that he'd be hurt... (like that cam stuff) but he assures me he won't; because he knows why.
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