I guess this could go in introductions but either way I guess it will get read. Anyways hello all i'm Kimberly. I'm 19 and live in CA. I just found this place and havn't read too much here yet so forgive me if i spill too much of my guts out....i was looking for a place to just let it all out. I guess i'll start with some background if it will help. My first sex was with a convicted child molester when i was 15 that i met off the internet. I wanted it at the time and am only now old enough to realize that i was too young to be making that decision even though i wouldn't admit it then. A couple weeks after it happened police showed up at my door and it started 6 months of attending court and tests b/c he had AIDS. Fortunately i didn't get it but i was just never the same after that. I started searching for random guys to have sex with over the internet and probly slept with about 60 by the time I was done. And if you know me you would know how not me that is, i can barely type it now.. When I was 17 I had my first real boyfriend and i loved it so much we moved in together and got engaged by the time I was 18.....probly way too early and only because i finally felt happy for once....oh yeah and he was 24. well 6 months after we moved in together my best best friend moved in b/c her parents kicked her out, bad idea. after another six months of extreme paranoia and stress on my part they kicked me out of my own apartment and are now together. My friendship with both or them is completely done and I amd very bitter and even tho it has been more than a year, it kills me daily. Now during that time I was still living a prett normal even happy life. But then I was introduced to pot. Now i'm not saying it's pot's fault, but that is really where my life started to go downhill. I have had like 20 jobs b/c i never can keep one. I either quit or get fired b/c i just don't care. I actually am a really nice person and completely capable of being an exemplary employee, i just don't care I did pretty well in HS and have been in college since I was 16. I am also really smart but i just scrape by b/c i don't study enough. I have something like 50 units but if i had gone full time and studied, i could be almost done. i have always been overweight but also have a lot of muscle and a very pretty face. After my fiance left me for my best friend i lost 60 pounds and life was great for a while. I have now gained back 30 and am extremely depressed and god it just sounds so easy but i have not yet been able to make myself go back to the gym and do it again....even tho my parents said if i do they will get me liposuction and maybe even breast implants if i lose enough. I now have no job and dropped my last two classes b.c i was going to fail. I live with my parents and barely ever leave the house. I smoke daily multiple times. I also do other drugs but am not addicted to them, just do whatever i can get my hands on so i can feel good for the night. Coke, E, shrooms, dxm, butorphanol, vicodin, ect. if i have ever had access to a drug i can tell you i tried it. I came from a well to do family with morals and goals and still have those goals just no motivation. It's hard for me to even want to leave the house anymore even though i'm so lonely i cry. I have never been comfortable with myself and when i was engaged i wouldn't even take my shirt off with my fiance and never fully enjoyed sex. To wrap it all up, i am just extremely depressed, extremely. I think about killing myself daily and I cry daily too. thanks for listening.