I think my username says it all.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stuck, Dec 9, 2006.

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  1. Stuck

    Stuck New Member

    I guess this could go in introductions but either way I guess it will get read.
    Anyways hello all i'm Kimberly. I'm 19 and live in CA. I just found this place and havn't read too much here yet so forgive me if i spill too much of my guts out....i was looking for a place to just let it all out.

    I guess i'll start with some background if it will help. My first sex was with a convicted child molester when i was 15 that i met off the internet. I wanted it at the time and am only now old enough to realize that i was too young to be making that decision even though i wouldn't admit it then. A couple weeks after it happened police showed up at my door and it started 6 months of attending court and tests b/c he had AIDS. Fortunately i didn't get it but i was just never the same after that.

    I started searching for random guys to have sex with over the internet and probly slept with about 60 by the time I was done. And if you know me you would know how not me that is, i can barely type it now..

    When I was 17 I had my first real boyfriend and i loved it so much we moved in together and got engaged by the time I was 18.....probly way too early and only because i finally felt happy for once....oh yeah and he was 24. well 6 months after we moved in together my best best friend moved in b/c her parents kicked her out, bad idea. after another six months of extreme paranoia and stress on my part they kicked me out of my own apartment and are now together. My friendship with both or them is completely done and I amd very bitter and even tho it has been more than a year, it kills me daily.

    Now during that time I was still living a prett normal even happy life. But then I was introduced to pot. Now i'm not saying it's pot's fault, but that is really where my life started to go downhill.

    I have had like 20 jobs b/c i never can keep one. I either quit or get fired b/c i just don't care. I actually am a really nice person and completely capable of being an exemplary employee, i just don't care :( :( I did pretty well in HS and have been in college since I was 16. I am also really smart but i just scrape by b/c i don't study enough. I have something like 50 units but if i had gone full time and studied, i could be almost done.

    i have always been overweight but also have a lot of muscle and a very pretty face. After my fiance left me for my best friend i lost 60 pounds and life was great for a while. I have now gained back 30 and am extremely depressed and god it just sounds so easy but i have not yet been able to make myself go back to the gym and do it again....even tho my parents said if i do they will get me liposuction and maybe even breast implants if i lose enough.

    I now have no job and dropped my last two classes b.c i was going to fail. I live with my parents and barely ever leave the house. I smoke daily multiple times. I also do other drugs but am not addicted to them, just do whatever i can get my hands on so i can feel good for the night. Coke, E, shrooms, dxm, butorphanol, vicodin, ect. if i have ever had access to a drug i can tell you i tried it.

    I came from a well to do family with morals and goals and still have those goals just no motivation. It's hard for me to even want to leave the house anymore even though i'm so lonely i cry.

    I have never been comfortable with myself and when i was engaged i wouldn't even take my shirt off with my fiance and never fully enjoyed sex.

    To wrap it all up, i am just extremely depressed, extremely. I think about killing myself daily and I cry daily too.

    thanks for listening.
  2. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    You have it in your mind that it was wrong because he was a child molester. Get that out of your mind right now. Even though you think you were not old enough to make that decision, it is what you wanted at the time, and it possibly made you happy. Your depression and sleeping around, could be attributed to feelings of guilt, and the fact that you felt so bad after your first time. Accept the fact that it made you happy. You can't go back and change it, and be glad you didn't contract HIV.

    Another thing, try to get outside. Sitting alone in your room will only make your depression worse, this is coming from experience. Get outside and do something fun. You've been through alot. It's time you stop feeling bad, and be glad that you've had the strength to deal with this. You're through it now, and it's all good. Try your best to get ahead in life, that's the only thing I can tell you.

    Be well.
  3. Stuck

    Stuck New Member

    Thanks really you are so right.

    I did forget to write that the child molester guy was 35 so even tho it might have made me somewhat happy for a little while, it ultimately makes me feel sick. He also was on trial because he raped little boys under 10 so all in all it was a really bad situation but fortunately no real harm done, to me at least. And as for him, he's in jail and will die there.

    Thanks for the support. I have been talking with my mom this morning and I think I will be soon moving out on my own again. It's been almost 2 years since I moved back in with them and oh man, it sucks. Bet lotsa people out there know what movin back in with parents is like! lol
  4. Old_Man_Kensey

    Old_Man_Kensey Well-Known Member

    i dont know you but i d say u have serious self esteem issues..Sleeping with those guys and stuff is typical of girls of low confidence.Plus what you said about weight.You don t need to be like that..You are very very young, you are not ready for a family or anything as serious...You are just 19, you should be all silly and stuff, giggling all the time, perhaps be with a boyfriend, with whom u shouldnt get married or engaged...You are at the age where people develop skills, make carreer plans, have fun and feel strong...Be that
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