I think that today is the day *possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by firelizardee, Aug 26, 2007.

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  1. firelizardee

    firelizardee Active Member

    ********** POSSIBLE TRIGGER ****************

    I've suffered from depression on and off for 30 years, maybe longer.

    I had a really bad time starting around 2000 and have not been happy since that time. This was the worst I have ever been. I had lots of suicidal thoughts, how to do it, when. I'd meet with a psychiatist but not be able to tell him that what I really wanted to do was to jump out the window or walk infront of a bus.

    I've taken many overdoses over the past 6 years, some very serious others less so. But each time I've called for help or called a friend.

    I fear dying alone.

    It worries me that my body might not be found. So the problem I have is how to let someone know that I've taken an overdose but without the immediacy of them knowing about it.

    I consider all my suicide attempts as experiments. Know how many pills of this type to take to cause seizures, which ones will knock me out, which combination to take etc.

    I've also damaged myself when taking overdoses, I am still suffering from the after effects of a dislocated shoulder and fracture which happened on the 26th May this year.

    Now I have the right combination of pills to cause a seizure and/or stop the breathing and the pills to knock me out. The vodka to wash it down with, somehow wine just doesn't go with pills.

    I made it through Friday and Saturday night, and I'm planning on taking the pills tonight, all I have to do is wash myself, write a letter to the pdoc explaining what I'm doing, take the pills and post the letter.

    This isn't a sudden decision, I have thought and thought about it. Since the age of 16 I have believed that I would be dead by the time I'm 45, well thats in 8 months time.

    I've done everything that I need to do in life. I gained 2 degrees in computing. Had a good job that I enjoyed (seem to have lost the joy now). Had some good friends. Seen Delphi, Olympia and parts of Greece. Swam in the med. Understood myself better after 2 1/2 years at a Therapeutic Community. Have learnt that it is possible to like/love people, to let them close to me.

    Also know that going by my past experience, that it may not work and all that'll happen is that I pass out for a few days.

    Reasons for dying:

    my life is finished
    I don't want to suffer depression any longer (meds only partially help)
    I can't stand the state of the world, all the hatred between people of difference countries and faiths and areas. Society is awful.
    I can't control my anger at times and I worry that I will hurt someone seriously one day.
    I don't want to grow old and infirm, I hate the thought of physical/mental decay.
    I am alone even in a group of 'friends'.
    I can't relate to people easily.
    I am of no use in this world.

    well thats my pathetic list of reasons and I'm just procrastinating now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2007
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Re: I think that today is the day

    <mod edit-gentlelady-encouraging suicide> and by the way its been 30 yrs im sure you could keep going.
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2007
  3. Re: I think that today is the day

    So have I
    Same here.

    Why not take it 1 day at a time then?

    Do you really believe that?
  4. firelizardee

    firelizardee Active Member

    Re: I think that today is the day

  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Re: I think that today is the day

    How was/is the progress with your psychiatist. From the sounds of things, you make it sound as if there's nothing else to life. I'm sure you can find other things.
  6. life

    life Well-Known Member

    30 years wow well if u maneged that long then i think u have the ability to hold on......And Oddings arent usually reliable...eVery drug can effects other people in a different way...U cant say if i take this pill with that pill I WILL DIE...But if i was ur age i would hold on......the older the better:biggrin:
  7. firelizardee

    firelizardee Active Member

    Re: I think that today is the day

    The psychiatrist says he cares whether I live or die.

    I've been seeing him for 6 years and he says that next year our contact will probably end.

    He's already reducing the contact we have to once a month.

    The other weeks I'll be seeing the Therapeutic Community Leavers Group and the OT.
  8. firelizardee

    firelizardee Active Member

    I see it another way.

    More than half my life has been depressed and it is gettign worse as I get older.

    As you can tell the OD did not work.

    I always seem to end up with conflicting thoughts.

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