********** POSSIBLE TRIGGER **************** I've suffered from depression on and off for 30 years, maybe longer. I had a really bad time starting around 2000 and have not been happy since that time. This was the worst I have ever been. I had lots of suicidal thoughts, how to do it, when. I'd meet with a psychiatist but not be able to tell him that what I really wanted to do was to jump out the window or walk infront of a bus. I've taken many overdoses over the past 6 years, some very serious others less so. But each time I've called for help or called a friend. I fear dying alone. It worries me that my body might not be found. So the problem I have is how to let someone know that I've taken an overdose but without the immediacy of them knowing about it. I consider all my suicide attempts as experiments. Know how many pills of this type to take to cause seizures, which ones will knock me out, which combination to take etc. I've also damaged myself when taking overdoses, I am still suffering from the after effects of a dislocated shoulder and fracture which happened on the 26th May this year. Now I have the right combination of pills to cause a seizure and/or stop the breathing and the pills to knock me out. The vodka to wash it down with, somehow wine just doesn't go with pills. I made it through Friday and Saturday night, and I'm planning on taking the pills tonight, all I have to do is wash myself, write a letter to the pdoc explaining what I'm doing, take the pills and post the letter. This isn't a sudden decision, I have thought and thought about it. Since the age of 16 I have believed that I would be dead by the time I'm 45, well thats in 8 months time. I've done everything that I need to do in life. I gained 2 degrees in computing. Had a good job that I enjoyed (seem to have lost the joy now). Had some good friends. Seen Delphi, Olympia and parts of Greece. Swam in the med. Understood myself better after 2 1/2 years at a Therapeutic Community. Have learnt that it is possible to like/love people, to let them close to me. Also know that going by my past experience, that it may not work and all that'll happen is that I pass out for a few days. Reasons for dying: my life is finished I don't want to suffer depression any longer (meds only partially help) I can't stand the state of the world, all the hatred between people of difference countries and faiths and areas. Society is awful. I can't control my anger at times and I worry that I will hurt someone seriously one day. I don't want to grow old and infirm, I hate the thought of physical/mental decay. I am alone even in a group of 'friends'. I can't relate to people easily. I am of no use in this world. well thats my pathetic list of reasons and I'm just procrastinating now.