I've been plotting suicide for almost a week now. Not sure how i'll do it but i've been considering. I've felt so alone and my parents aren't even there for me. Well, they are but they don't understand my mental illnesses or anything about me. My sister isn't even there. She says she is but she doesn't understand. The pressure of college is also killing me inside. I can't continue my studies so I haven't been going for weeks. I cut last night for the first time in months. I'm slowly falling apart. I lost one of my best friends (not to death). I miss her and I think she abandoned our friendship. I'm tired of waiting to be on fucking meds!! I went in on the 1st and they usually at least give out samples for the time being but I'm a fucking mess without anything!! I can't take this! I'm scared about my blood work. I had to get 6 tests done. Something about my biliruben. It's always been high sine birth but it's gotten much higher over the years. Why is all this shit happening to me?! WHY ME?! I think sometimes people put a curse on me because i'm gay. My only saving grace was a guy from a couple towns away called me last night and he also has schizophrenia and he's around my age. We talked a bit on MSN last night about our problems and to get to know eachother. I could see us being friends so that's the only good thing that happened to me in a long time.