hello all i dont know how to begin really, iv been suffering from suicidal thoughts since a child. im 25 now and for the last 7-8 years life seems to have become a living nightmare. Ive lost all my friends because i blow hot and cold, and cant control my emotions, cant trust my ex friends, family or anyone. I dont know if anyone here believes in the paranormal but i feel ive been under attack psychically. ive tried to sort my feelings out by going to spiritual forums but the so called psychics and empaths i usually come across online make me feel like why havent i done away with myself sooner. they make me feel so low and these were the people i had faith in that i could turn to, or who would understand the darker side of my personality but i was wrong and these people make me feel like the scum of the earth. to fair i cant just blame them, my thoughts about myself and in human nature has plumeted to an all time low. i worry for the future, if there is one, how will i financially take care of myself, let alone emotionally. i live in constant fear of almost everything. i cant have relationships because i dont trust anyone, i cant see why they are with me and get thoughts that they are going to go off with this person or that, or will eventually hurt me so bad that i wont hesitate to take my life. my family dont want to know basically, when im not online i spend my time in my room crying. i long for God or whatever to strike me with an illness so i can pass the buck onto him, but the thoughts in my head which sometimes dont feel like mine, are telling me how awful i am and how everyone would be better off. i wish i didnt believe these voices but i think my reasons for hanging around and not ending it are selfish. i dont have faith in anything or anyone anymore, i wish there was a painless way i could leave. i believe there is a possibility of life after death, this is due to a few wierd experiences i had, but that just makes me feel worse, every thought i have hurts, i cant breath sometimes where i get myself so worked up, and make my self ssick with all the emotion racing round my head. i feel like absolute scum to put it mildly and dont see a future i can be happy in, i have a friend in spirit, sometimes i think she wants me to join her so it will be more like the old days, there were a lot of similarities between our lives and if anyone understands my pain then she does, she did then too. i still live with my parents but im causing my mum so much pain and putting so much of a financial burden on her, i really think in the long run she will be happier and better off. she's got to that point in her life where she wants to live and enjoy her life, yet i sit back watch and begrudge her having a life, when i know deep down she deserves it and hasnt had an easy life at all. i used to think that suicide was bad, wrong for all, but now i wonder if its my destiny and im just putting it off in vain hoping for a miracle which deep down i know wont happen. does anyone else relate to this? i mean feel that even the spirit world want you to die let alone the physical world. i keep thinking my organs could save someone's life, someone who wants to live, has reason to, is a wonderful person, instead of be wasted on scum like me.