i think they want me to join them

[Unregisteredentity]

hello all

i dont know how to begin really, iv been suffering from suicidal thoughts since a child. im 25 now and for the last 7-8 years life seems to have become a living nightmare. Ive lost all my friends because i blow hot and cold, and cant control my emotions, cant trust my ex friends, family or anyone. I dont know if anyone here believes in the paranormal but i feel ive been under attack psychically. ive tried to sort my feelings out by going to spiritual forums but the so called psychics and empaths i usually come across online make me feel like why havent i done away with myself sooner. they make me feel so low and these were the people i had faith in that i could turn to, or who would understand the darker side of my personality but i was wrong and these people make me feel like the scum of the earth. to fair i cant just blame them, my thoughts about myself and in human nature has plumeted to an all time low. i worry for the future, if there is one, how will i financially take care of myself, let alone emotionally. i live in constant fear of almost everything. i cant have relationships because i dont trust anyone, i cant see why they are with me and get thoughts that they are going to go off with this person or that, or will eventually hurt me so bad that i wont hesitate to take my life. my family dont want to know basically, when im not online i spend my time in my room crying. i long for God or whatever to strike me with an illness so i can pass the buck onto him, but the thoughts in my head which sometimes dont feel like mine, are telling me how awful i am and how everyone would be better off. i wish i didnt believe these voices but i think my reasons for hanging around and not ending it are selfish. i dont have faith in anything or anyone anymore, i wish there was a painless way i could leave. i believe there is a possibility of life after death, this is due to a few wierd experiences i had, but that just makes me feel worse, every thought i have hurts, i cant breath sometimes where i get myself so worked up, and make my self ssick with all the emotion racing round my head. i feel like absolute scum to put it mildly and dont see a future i can be happy in, i have a friend in spirit, sometimes i think she wants me to join her so it will be more like the old days, there were a lot of similarities between our lives and if anyone understands my pain then she does, she did then too.
i still live with my parents but im causing my mum so much pain and putting so much of a financial burden on her, i really think in the long run she will be happier and better off. she's got to that point in her life where she wants to live and enjoy her life, yet i sit back watch and begrudge her having a life, when i know deep down she deserves it and hasnt had an easy life at all.
i used to think that suicide was bad, wrong for all, but now i wonder if its my destiny and im just putting it off in vain hoping for a miracle which deep down i know wont happen.

does anyone else relate to this? i mean feel that even the spirit world want you to die let alone the physical world. i keep thinking my organs could save someone's life, someone who wants to live, has reason to, is a wonderful person, instead of be wasted on scum like me.

 

[TheBLA]

Yes, I can sort of relate to you.

I've been lately thinking a lot about how my organs could be used to save people more deserving of living than me, I feel that my life is a waste and I should just die to help others live.

My depression is also taking a toll on my family, my parents are becoming depressed and angry at me day by day. Matter of time probably before they kick me out of the house or something.

Don't worry, you are not alone in your thoughts or situation here.

 

[Luliby]

You are not alone Unregisteredentity,

I can relate to everything you've said. It's been a long trek for me through recovery, 2 steps forward, one step back, and so forth. But yes, I said RECOVERY. The reaon I am so adamant about not taking your life is this: Depression is an illness and it is treatable.

But don't misunderstand me, I know how difficult it is to believe in anything, and certainly to believe in hope. But here are some facts to consider:
1). You are a chemical being and that can effect your thoughts and mood. We know this is true, for example: at any bar on a Friday night you can see the "altered" personalities on exhibit. lol! When a person is angry there are physical changes, a flushed face, clenched fists and jaw, tightened back muscles. Stress can do some very strange things to the body... and then theres depression and biploar conditions. I am not a doctor but based on the things you have said and from my experiences with similar thoughts and feelings and rationalities.. I'd say you are suffering from depression. But here's the thing to bear in mind. You are important, you are valuable!

What you've discribed sounds like this, and correct me if I'm wrong: You've been battling depression since childhood. In the last 7 to 8 years it has gotten worse and you have the following symptoms: worry, fear and ruminating about your situation, withdrawl and isolation from others, fear of abandonment, belief you are a burden to the ones you love and those who do care about you, belief civilization would be better without you, and the emotional pain and turbulence of each thought driving into you wave after wave after wave. No, you are not going insane. No, you are not alone. And no, these beliefs are not true... but they FEEL true, because you have depression. Literally, the chemicals in your brian that jump from one neurotransmitter to another are clogged. Thats how it starts. As is gets clogged less and less of the good stuff, seretonin and such, can't get through and the body thinks you don't need as much so it starts to shut down production of seretonin and other "feel good" checmicals. As a depression gets worse the brain keeps shutting down more and more and what you have left (and here's the real mystery of it) is the depressed, hopeless, painful thoughts, feelings and memories. I mean.. why couldn't the brain just stop producing the bad stuff and you feel overly happy and joyful all the time. (sheesh.. nature) And that can happen actually, it's called Mania. Some people who are bipolar can go back and forth between very depressed to very happy. And there are some terrible consequences to that as well. You are a chemical being and there can be no doubt that chemicals affect a persons mood.

2). Even though you FEEL no one cares, or that they would be better off without you or you can't trust people, etcc... that does not make it true. Feelings are not always truth. Especially in the case of depression because chemically you are not receiving the seretonin that would shed a better light on things. In fact, feelings actaully feed on each other. A person can "work themselves into a fit" or a build up a fear simply by feeling fear. So, emotions are not truth and they feed on each other to get bigger and bigger. Also, there is the association problem... and that is some feelings "trigger" certain memories or experiences. Negative mood brought on by derpession can trigger other memories and experiences of anxiety and depression which leads to worry and negative thoughts of yourself and your life in general which feeds the depression and we sometimes call it the spiral down. And at the bottom is emotional agony, a complete loss of hope and faith, a complete hate or loathing of self, and a deep desire to just curl up and die. But these feelings are not the truth of who you are and I bet your Mother loves you very much. And you can reconnect to friends and the world around you. Because this condition can be cured.

Treatment is two fold when it gets this serious.
1). You need to fight the chemical imbalance with chemicals. There are a few ways, a psychiatrist or general doctor can prescribe you antidepressants. Exercise has also been found to produce seretonin but you would have to be very disciplined to do that several times a day. And when your depressed and feeling hopeless it's very difficult to convince yourself a 20 minute walk is something you want to do... 3 times a day. And if finances are a problem seek a general doctor at a free clinic or on a pyament scale. Ask for generic meds.
2). Because your mind has "turned" against you it's very helpful to be seeing a therapist. Every day your mood is depressed you mind is generating thoughts and memories to match that mood. You can begni to believe that you are not valuable, not loved, not relevant to society or capable of having friends. A therapist can help you look past your mood and feelings and bring back some of the rationality and optimism that is difficult to achieve in a depressed state. Think of the therapist as your positive side and your coach out of depression.

Why make these changes? The saying goes, "if you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same thing." And the price is too high. The emotional agony and social withdrawl and negative thoughts, its all really really awful to live with. I don't want that for you. But there is recovery. You can learn to trust, have meaningful relationships, feel hope and laugh and appreciate just how special and unique and amazing you really are.

So, please continue to post. We'd love to help you through this. Seek medical attention and start the journey to recovery. I used to pray every day that God would just kill me. Every day for years.. and after meds and therapy and such you know what thought came to my mind? Why don't I pray for healing? Why do I pray for death and not for healing? And the answer is because I couldn't hope enough to believe in healing or that God could care enough about me to help or that I was even fixable.

You are not alone. :hug:

 

[Unregisteredentity]

Thankyou so much both of you. I understand exactly what you mean when you talk about pushing people away, i also feel its only a matter of time before my mother says she can't take anymore and i dont blame her.
We are extremely lucky to have free medical care at all here in the UK, however i have to say, i feel let down by them. i have PCOS and have begged the doctor since i was 14 to refer me to a specialist to treat it, now 11 years later he says that he will refer me........when my psychological state is balanced, so im avoiding him. if i go to the doctor for emotional help, i will have to wait further. its selfish of me because others are suffering because of my emotional state but ive waited 11 years just to be told that i may at some point see a specialist and i dont want to jeopodise that. dont get me wrong, i think what doctors do is marvelous and i realise they are under huge amounts of stress and carry tremendous responsibility so i dont want to blame him, especially as i know NHS funding is becoming less and less, and there are people who are dying and still not getting potentially life saving medication.
I start a new job monday, its only part time, i got the news today which has cheered me up but still i worry that emtionally im not up to it, but if i dont/cant work then i dont see a future.

I also feel embarassed, not just for pouring my heart out and posting this, but for the way ive treated those i care about. i cant face my old friends and the i already regret not regularly visiting the elders in my family.

thankyou for kind words both of you, i know that everyone here is battling something, but i didnt know if anyone would relate to me. I would love to be able to help others like ourselves, but i fear id say the wrong thing with devastating effects, hence why ive only posted twice.

Thankyou so much both of you, you are both wonderful people with so much to offer this world, i hope you both realise that.

love

entity

 

[Luliby]

Hi Unregisteredentity,

Grats on the new job! Thats great! I know you can do it, just take it one day at a time. Stay in the present, that's what they tell me. And it helps me so I thought I'd pass that along. i hear you talking about regrets (all the things you wish you had or hadn't done) and I hear you talking about fears (all the things you think your going to mess up or fail at)

But the past is over and done. If you can, let it go. To go over it again and agian, thinking about what you could have, should have, would have done is frustrating and unhelpful if your already feeling low. But again, the mood triggers the thoughts. And you don't know what the future may hold. Did you know you were for sure going to get this job? So, it's just as likely that you are going to be a success at this job, make some good money, feel good about yourself socialize a bit with coworkers. It's just as likely to be good, right?

Gratz! It's good to hear from you.
Luliby

 

[Unregisteredentity]

I cant get over the past though, it will stay wilth me forever. My parents smoke cannibis and when i was 17 one of my dad's friends gave my mother some cannibis. she gave it to me, then i fainted and broke my jaw in three places. ever since then one side of my face goes/ has sunken in and the other side has pertruded out. I look odd, like half my face is swollen. please dont misunderstand, i was depressed before this happened, hence why i was smoking the cannibis, but ive lost hope on finding love. Absolutely no one im attracted to sees me the way i want them to see me, im odd, i look it and also feel it. i have severe hirsuitism too, caused by my PCOS. I cant help thinking why i am still here, whats the point, the only thing left for me to do is pay off my debts. my mother won two beauty contests when she was a teenager and my dad still gets attention from the opposite sex now. neither of them care that i may never fall in love and vice versa and marry. i have so much anger inside me, its not fair, where was my guidance i was an immature 17 year old and if it wasnt for my parents, i wont look deformed. now when anyone looks at me, i know what they're looking at. i keep my head now most of the time when i walk, but i even feel physically sick thinking about the future. im going to the hospital about it at the end of the month to see if they can/will do anything to create a more normal, even look, but if they cant, i dont know if im strong enough to be an observer of love for the rest of my life, it feels like there's only been violence and pain in it till now. my father made a point of telling me how noticable it was a couple of months ago and ive sunk even deeper into my depression. its not fair, he has everything, and i feel i have nothing, well nothing left to live for. so ive decided if they cant do anything, im going to take my future seriously, as in do something to end this pain myself, i dont know what, but i have so much anger, jealousy, resentment and a feeling of being let down my them that its not healthy or safe for anyone if i stay. i joke that i look like popeye with a beard but inside im screaming, why? why? why? why couldnt i have died the day of my accident, my future love life did, so whats the point in life? to work just? to watch friends find love? to watch parents find love? i dont want to live, i do feel physically sick because of it. if the doctors can perfom an operation and they dont know if they can yet, it will be very complicated surgery because it involves my jaw joints and trying to make it look more normal and even. its even began feeling bad so its not just the look that is bothering me now, im feeling discomfort from the breaks.
i pray to God, help me, i dont know what else to do for the time being, but i know i cant live the rest of my life wtaching others find love. no one ive been attracted to has liked me since the accident. i keep asking myself what am i learning from this? i dont feel like a better person for it, much worse if anything. all i know is for my parents sake i will have to do away with myself because otherwise i will live with such resentment that i question for how long can i keep it bottled, espcially when they refuse to take any blame.

sorry to go on, i know it seems shallow to you, but im not asking for anyone to make me a model, i just want to know i will be attracted to my partner both physically and mentally if i ever marry , but perhaps that was never meant to be, perhaps i was meant to find out that that isnt the meaning of my life, but if its just work, then i feel angry.

 

[Luliby]

I'm really glad you expressed yourself so well, it helps me to better understand your pain. And no pain is foolish or less valid than another.

However, when you say you have no future love life THAT is speculation. That is not truth but a presumption. And when you say you can't keep the resentment bottled up inside anymore against your parents why do you believe you HAVE to bottle it up? And, if they take no blame does that make them innocent? No. They were older and should have been your guardians, protecting you and they didn't. The fact that they continue to bring it up, without apology to torment you displays they have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old!

And, it's very infuriating to know your right and someone has harmed you but they do not care or take responsibility for it. It can somtimes send us the wrong message that we're the ones that are wrong. That we don't matter.

If you continue to believe no one can love you for who you are and see past this injury then your not going to give anyone the chance. And, you will likely isolate and push people away further and use that to justify your premise that no one can love you. It's a viscious circle. And, good looks will not ensure everyone you like will like you back. And it is no protection from dissapointment in life.

Just some things to think about, k? Be well.

Luliby