I think this is more than acting crazy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BlondRedHead, Oct 30, 2012.

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  1. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    I think I am actually going crazy. I flip out, I freak out and I completely break down. I am so level most of the time, so chill and open to anything. People confide in me, come to me for advice and help and I let everything go. I don't let people walk over me (for the most part) but the man I have been with for three years, he walks on me. Everyone knows him, he's a nice guy. He just doesn't know what he wants and acts like a big baby all the time. Like games and he doesn't play them on purpose. He doesn't know he is an ass. I am so in love and obsessed and it bothers me.

    Why can't I let him go? He doesn't know the extent of this and I keep it behind doors but honestly I am living like a crazy person. I moved to a new town for him while we were still bf and gf. After I move in he tells me he doesn't want anything serious and we break up. Devastation! But we see each other everyday, we hang, go on trips, go on holidays together, we talk all day, better than ever. Then randomly he freaks out, reminds me we are nothing and we don't talk a few days. He treats me like I am just another girl in his long long line of gfs/f**k buddies/friends and I am expendable. He was my first real serious BF, my first love (as in I never loved anyone before him, he took my virginity even) so while I am just another to him, he will always be special to me. He doesn't know he was my first because knowing him he would really freak out. I have no one here, no friends, no family. I have my own apartment and have been between jobs for months and it is killing me. I sit in my house and cry all day long. No joke, like hours of crying.

    My house is a mess, I have these pretend conversations out loud where I perfect all the things I need to say. If someone walked by my window and heard me, they would think I was insane. I write so I write stories and poems and listen to music all day while crying and contemplating ways to kill myself. How could I do it quick, how not to hurt mom and dad, how to not make a mess. I decided I would drive me Jeep to the end of a dock and leave it on playing a Bob Dylan CD (my fave) and tie an anchor to my lg and jump. Just jump. Hopefully they would find me pretty quick, before any sharks or major fish ate me up. I take sleeping pills to sleep at night because if I don't I will just be up for days and every time I hesitate before putting the rest back into the cupboard, I contemplate taking them all. It would be easy. I just don't want to live anymore.

    I told my cousin I feel like killing myself and she freaks, tells me to just leave and start over and do something crazy. She doesn't get it, starting over, I am still in the middle of doing that and it sucks and I am lonely and you can't move away form what's in your head! My best friend gave me some anti depressants a few months ago and I started taking them today, along with some xanax. I just need to calm down, to chill and be normal! I hate my fucking brain, hate my heart, hate it all. I hate my face and how ugly it is, how fat I am, how stupid I seem to be because while everyone tells me how wonderful I am or how awesome I am, they don't know me. I don't think they want to.

    I am so lonely and I don't know how to stop it.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You stop taking other medication that belongs to someone else YOu go in and talk to Y OUR doctor and get assessed to see if you do have a mental illness. You get on medication of your own you get therapy to help guide you but you do not go back to this ass ok. He is using you hun you walk away NOW you delete his number you block him NO more being abused ok you go and get the help you deserve hun YOU are too special to be treated the way he is treating you You deserve better hugs
  3. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    Today I tried to be strong. I got my hair done this weekend and spent some time looking pretty. Eddie stopped by late this morning, he had gone to the DMV for his motorcycle license and came by my house after (I thought we were going together but stuffs in the air now). He asked if he could take a shower, asked for juice while in there and if he could borrow 40 bucks. He leaves, no kiss or hug or anything. Later he comes back after work, changes while talking to me, tells me I look nice and he is going bike riding. He says he will get back to me on tonight's plans and let me know what is up, kiss goodbye and he leaves. I never hear back, finally I call to see if he still needs that money or if he got it elsewhere and he is home playing video games and going to bed soon. Says he needs it and thanks... I just paid it.
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