I think this is the right place to tell my story

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Noseeum, May 17, 2012.

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  1. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    I was injured in an accident in 1986 and was left with chronic pain and fatigue. I've struggled with depression and anxiety ever since the accident... plus a family that doesn't begin to understand. I've had 3 hospitalizations for suicidal ideation. Though I've never had a plan and until Tuesday of this week I've never made an attempt. In the past, each time I began to fixate on ending my life, I demanded hospitalization until I regained the desire to live. My daughter's father committed suicide about 10 years ago. Ever since then, I have had it in my head that no matter how much suffering I have to endure, I would not leave her with a double legacy of parental suicide... Tuesday afternoon after an ugly and revealing fight with my mother(she is happy to have me drive her around and help her out around her house, but is still holding onto resentments about things that happened 40 years ago), I came home and without a thought for anyone... in a panic of emotional pain, I began taking the pills prescribed by my doctor... one after another, until I passed out. I was shocked when I woke up the next day. I really scared myself because I never once though to seek help or thought about how my actions would hurt my family and friends... I didn't wonder what would become of my much loved pets... I don't want to die now. I want to learn how to protect myself from engaging in such panicked and impulsive behavior... I feel ashamed and embarrassed even though only 2 or 3 people know what I tried to do. I've recently moved and haven't established with a new therapist... I had no idea that I was so close to the edge... I'm scared... I don't want to do that again... I'm not 100% certain I can trust myself...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps have someone else dispense your medication to you hun so that does not happen again. I hope you reach out to your doctor to get some supports in place to protect you to help decrease those impulsive acts hugs
     
  3. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    Thanks, total eclipse. I'm not quite sure how to handle having someone else dispense my medications. I do think it's a good idea. I just need to figure out the logistics. My next plan of action is to get hooked up with mental health services here, which means informing my doctor. I'm dreading that...

    Thanks for the hugs.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Try not to worry ok you doc will not judge you and i hope you get all the supports in place available to you soon
     
  5. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    Thanks total eclipse... so far so good today, even though it wasn't an altogether pleasant day, I was able to keep a better perspective on things... Geez! I've gotten good support in place so many times... only to run to some new and far off physical location. This time I'm not going to run. I'm going to face myself and others. I'm going to face reality <--- That's one scary vow!
     
  6. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Talk about it with other people, help others, participate in support groups.

    Trust in yourself, but specially, don't judge yourself, when you hear your toughts going over and over making you feel guilty, pay attention to how the thoughts keep going and going, don't stop them, but analyze what they are saying and how they are making you feel, once you notice it, it will stop and you will learn to control it and stop hurting yourself with those hurtful toughts.

    God bless you!
     
  7. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    Thank you, BornAgain. I apologize for not responding sooner. I'm still trying to locate support groups in my area. I know they can be very helpful. I've also been both a little shy and a little reluctant to spend too much time here. I know I'll get over the feelings of shyness... and I think there is great support right here. I am a little concerned about spending too much time here. Yunno? I want to feel less alone while at the same time trying to distract myself from suicidal thoughts... just trying to find some balance.
     
  8. kevin.nbt

    kevin.nbt New Member

    Hi Nosseum, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I too once had the scary feeling of overfeeding myself and I ODed once. Ever since, my little sister has been my dispenser. If you are afraid this will happen to you too, you should definitely find a dispenser. Good luck finding your support group!
     
  9. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    Hi, Kevin and thanks. I contacted mental health services in my area today. They are setting up an evaluation for me and will get me started with support services. I'm hoping they will set me up with a dispenser or help me find one. I don't have anyone near me who could do it... I still feel pretty shaky emotionally, so I think a dispenser needs to be found. The good news is that I had a good day today. I took my dog for a walk. I used to walk her almost every day but haven't been going out much lately. I think the walking habit is one I need to get back into as it helps me both physically and emotionally. :smile:
     
  10. kevin.nbt

    kevin.nbt New Member

    Animals can be really therapeutic at times. They are like a loyal partner who listens to you and do things for you with no judgment. Keep walking your dog.
     
  11. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I understand, you will learn how others are coping here and at the support groups, also, you will becable to tl others what works for you.

    God bless you.
     
  12. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    Ohhhhhh.... Absolutely, Kevin. Being involved with animal rescue these past few years has been a big part of keeping the depression monster at bay for me. I'm still in a state of shock over the fact that I came so close to leaving my wonderful loving pets alone... not to mention my family. In spite of the lack of understanding of one another in my family there is still love... If I had died that night, my family would be heartbroken. I'm so torn between wanting to die to end my own pain and wanting to live because I don't want to hurt the ones I love... At least now, I've regained the awareness that I won't always feel this bad. I'm just on the down side of things right now... everything is always changing. Soon, I will feel better. I've felt better before, I can feel better again... all I have to do is hang on...
     
  13. Noseeum

    Noseeum Member

    BornAgain, the sad thing to me is that I've had lots of therapy and participated in lots of groups. Many times, and for long periods of time, my depression has been under control and my life has been good in spite of the challenges I face. I got complacent or distracted, or maybe both, and stopped taking care of me... I am lucky that my attempt to end my life failed. I get another chance to do it right, more therapy, more groups, more life... And thank goodness for this forum. I feel like you and others here are a big help.
     
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