I think was about to ...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jehuty, Apr 30, 2009.

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  1. Jehuty

    Jehuty Senior Member

    I think was about to commit suicide last night. :cry:

    Too many things happen.
    Someone close to me in my famely has cancer and things are going really bad with her.
    My ex is going crazy and it kills me inside.
    I'm failing at college and failed myself and my family.
    Can't find a damn job.
    My body hurts from the cutting.
    Endless amounts of panic attacks.
    And almost crying the whole day all the time.

    Last night it all got too much.
    I tried to stay awake because I was really feeling low and bad and was scared to sleep but I was so tired.
    When I finaly fell asleep I got a panic attack.
    It was like I was trapped in my dream, I knew I was dreaming and I knew I had to wake up but I couldn't.
    It was really hard to breathe and scared and it felt like it would never end.

    When I woke up I took a knife and I wanted to kill myself.
    I didn't care anymore what others said or thought, I just wanted to die.
    After like 10 mins serious thinking to do it I decided to call a Dutch suicide support line a member from SF gave to me.

    I talked to a guy from there who seemed really nice and caring, he calmed me down.
    It really helped and after we where done talking I was really scared.
    What was I thinking?
    Next week I'm going to try to go to the college therapist again.
    I can't do this anymore, too much is on my mind.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really glad you called that help line. I think going to therapy at the college would be a good idea. I know you're going through a lot, but you can make it!
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....reaching out and calling the helpline was a very positive action, as is your sharing in this post.

    sometimes just talking to someone when we are in a crisis situation, can help us shift our thinking, and yes, as you said, calm us down. it is amazing how much we can be helped by simply sharing our deepest feelings to someone who does not judge us.....

    please continue to reach out, both here, helplines, and the therapist.
    you can pm me if you want to talk , as well as so many other people here who care about you. . . . :hug:
  4. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Hi, I know I'm new here but I wanted to say something and I hope that's OK. From the way you write, it sounds like your friend who is sick with cancer is REALLY lucky to have you. I don't even have cancer, I have a neurological problem where you get a lot of pain so you can't do very much like go out, etc. I have zero friends of my own, the only friends I have are my brother's friends! My friends all dumped or forgot about me because I'm not fun to hang out with anymore. I love that you exist for this girl because you care about her more than your own pain, which you have way too much of.

    As far as college goes, I know it feels horrible to be doing badly when you see others passing and even having fun. The thing I realized with myself is that whenever I have dealt with a life that is stressful beyond normal--and panic attacks alone tell me that you are so stressed--ability to learn and remember things is the first thing to go. You take up so much mental energy in controlling anxiety, stress, and difficulties that it's hard to have any leftover mental energy for things like school. It does not mean that you are a failure or dumb. It means that you're human with NORMAL human limitations--how much can any one person deal with during one time period? It's like, before you get a chance to deal with and get over one problem, you have something else to deal with, right? I don't see you as a failure, you're the opposite, incredibly strong. I didn't have even half of your level of stress when I was in school and struggled, anyway. I also didn't get good grades.

    If it's OK to ask, what do you get from self-injury? Does it help you with panic attacks or somehow numb feelings of suicide? Please be careful. I do the same and it is easy to REALLY hurt yourself. It is a bit like playing with fire where the knife is only helpful if you are in control of the knife, otherwise you can "burn" yourself like an out of control fire. So, please be careful, please make sure that you are enough control of yourself before picking up a knife.

    I hope you feel better and the college therapist helps. I wish I had answers but I would not have discovered this place if I did!
  5. Jehuty

    Jehuty Senior Member

    That girl is my mom her sister.
    And to be honest, I don't exist for anyone.
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