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I think we should all be super-sensitive on this site

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by NoMoneyToPlease, Apr 19, 2011.

  1. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Because this site is super and there are a lot of sensitive people on here (me being one,rofl!)

    This isn't just any old advice site,this is a safe harbor of love and reassurance for those who can't take much more of their own personal reality.

    I say if you want to "give it straight" to people,or lay down a "reality check" on them then you should start auditioning as a replacement for Doctor Phil.

    Tough love can go take a flying fuck as far as I am concerned,this is a place of "soft love",e-hugs and almost care bear like affection.

    People come here to be told what they want to hear,there's nothing wrong with that so let's keep it that way. :)

    And in the spirit of the moment may I present to you the SF forum dancers...

  2. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Can we put this post on a plaque and hang it in the front lobby please?

    "and almost care bear like affection" I love it.

    So many never got that affection, they were busy hiding or trying to meld into the woodwork to keep from being seen and getting hurt. They can get it now though...that kindness and love.

    ***HUGS*** for you
  3. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    What about the people that come here to be told what they need to hear?

    I know I'm not the only one who didn't sign up just for the virtual hugs.


  4. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    I'll second this. I have no need for virtual hugs. In fact, I find them insulting.

    Not everyone who comes here needs, or even deserves, the mommy "there there" touchy feely treatment.

    Some straight talking walk up calls are needed once in a while. You'd be surprised how often and how well they work.

    Note- I'm not against being sensitive to those who need it. The point is to strike a balance.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2011
  5. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    @Kali-kali can I mix in the answers for "damage case" and "Right U R Ken" in with yours?Because I think they need to hear what we know....and that is that the suffering individual is the one who does the tough talking to themselves,imternaly.
    Now lets hold hands and run over the rainbow together and tell them that we know what they are saying is right,but what we are saying is right too,and that is okay. :)
    No-one is wrong and no-one is right.

    People come to realise on their own,and not before they are ready to do so.

    So if you guys are down,we won't give you unwanted hugs or tell you "mummy will make everything better"....we will help you out of the gutter,or your rut,or try to shine a light for you to follow to the end of your depression.....and not as mummies,but as equals,as fellow down and outs.

    You will get what you ask for. :)
    We(SF) will give you what you need. :)
  6. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    I'll pass and quite frankly all this over top online hugs and wubs shit makes me want to vomit.

    But personally I think a much better idea would be that users on this forum be honest with each other and not sugarcoat the truth because someone might not want to hear it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2011
  7. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    So true again.

    I do no nonsense advocacy work, few hugs involved there. Identify the need. Find or create the resource/solution. Meeting basic needs to sustain human life...needs that to these people seem unattainable. People without hope. Horror situations that would blow your mind and have fucked up mine. Hugs won't help them.

    I fought by my friend's side when he needed a heart and was losing his life i walked my other friend into death by choice shortly after. Brutal reality not hugs and hand holding.

    There is a time for both. Different people have different needs. For some a little compassion and caring is what they need, for others a bit of a bitch slap or some reality therapy, perhaps some brainstorming or some bit of advice/shared knowledge they may apply to their life to improve things..who knows? Some ppl just need to know they are not alone in their experience, or that their feelings are valid. Been there, seen and done it all.

    Approving of one, does not mean disapproval of the other (nor a passing of judgement). I acknowledge there are a multitude of needs, just as many as there are individuals with them. I suppose we simply chose to look at one aspect for a moment. Surely did not mean to intentionally leave anyone out. There are plenty of folks who loathe a hug.

    correct. No one is wrong. No one is right. These other needs are valid, acknowledged, and addressed as well.
  8. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    @1112222-I think we should adapt to whatever the actual suffering person requires.
    This is after all a suicide forum,a place where emotionally raw and intellectually defeated individuals wash up.
    You didn't first come here to hear some harsh truths about yourself did you?
    I didn't,I came here totally ass kicked and brain tired.

    Maybe if a user on this forum is ready to face up to some of the harsh realities in their life then the freely given tea and sympathy has done it's job.

    The hugs do work,they don't make you worse. :)
  9. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Im guessing this is a reply to my own thread and i personally think its great because at least we're discussing it like adults for a change.

    Just because someone is overly sensitive should we then change everything for that one person, just because that one person doesnt like the truth? Im with 111222, sugarcoating the truth never works it enables people to stay in their own depression. Of course being overly harsh just for the sake of it is also wrong.

    Personally i find e-hugs insulting. When you get a reply off someone with just a hug then thats just a cop out by the person giving the reply. Tough love hardly ever works either, that just makes people withdraw into themselves even more. More often than not people do need the truth and a reality check though, thats my point. It doesnt help when the truth is often painful which is why people tend to be all cute-sy and their their it will be alright. Who does that help? Its like telling a 40 stone man that he has no weight problem and he will be ok.
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sometimes, it is three o'clock in the morning, and I have fried my last brain cell...I check the new posts and see someone has no responses and s/he is online (probably waiting for someone to reply)...I must admit, that these responses are not deserving of Pulitzer prizes, although what I write probably can be likened to Jennifer Egan's novel "A Visit From the Goon Squad," which won last year...we all do the best we can, and since this is cyber, and it lacks many of the other indicators we have in communication (e.g.gestures and such), it is sometimes difficult to judge how to frame a response...I like to look at the person's intention...words, especially on a screen, are very inexact...J
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i try not to say anything if i can't at least identify with the person in some way - i personally feel that without that connection, i would not be able to offer anything and could risk making things worse

    there is a time for hugs and a time for a swift kick in the butt - god knows i've needed (and gotten) both

    but before starting in with the tough-love, straight-truth, we need to try and make sure that the one we are talking to is (1) safe and (2) able to hear what we are trying to say
  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    @ Wastingecho: Very wise words.

    Also, the way we say things to others - even hard truths - can be gentle and caring. The internet, the written word in general, has the added difficulty of not providing audible cues to the tone of voice. Sometimes I use emoticons to soften the message in case the words "read" too harsh.
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If you cant say something nice, then dont say anything at all. This site is geared for SUPPORT. No one here is a trained professional. Leave the ass kickings and brutal truth to the professionals. Where it can be done in person, face to face. Where someone will be there to help the person deal with the fall out. Think about it. You come to a site that encourages peer to peer support. You come to a place that you hope you finally "fit in". A place where others understand your pain and issues. The last thing you are looking for is harsh words especially on a public forum, before the eyes of so many others. Then being all alone to try and deal with the "helpful" reply you just received.

    If you feel the need to be harsh or blunt, then do it in a pm. Then it is between 2 people. The person that receives the harsh pm they can now go to admin and report it without feeling like the rest of the forum is going to judge them.

    The only people on this forum that enjoy harsh words and rude replies are trolls. I think a little common sense and some compassion towards others is all that is needed when replying to other members. Always think of the other person first or put yourself in their shoes and really think before you post something that could be perceived as hurtful.
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Excellent responses from everyone. Geez. Wayne, Sadeyes, Echo, Acy, NMTP.

    True, in certain cases emoticons can help soften things a bit, kind of like we might do with our voice, were we speaking to them....instead of just writing what seems a bunch of harsh words. On the other hand, there are ppl who respond who tend to be more no nonsense, get to the issue, and sometimes they are perceived as being cold or harsh when they actually are not.

    Agree with echo, make sure they are safe and have expressed themselves sufficiently to be ready to hear what someone is trying to say. Sometimes there will be one or two sentences, and it seems much raw emotion left to be expressed, some need an invite to do so...to feel that it is safe to express themselves.

    There are times when few ppl are responding and for instance i may be feeling like dirt, but seems someone needs to reach out to the poster. My words may be few, and really suck dirt, and i may throw in a hug (and i sincerely offer those hugs, it's not bs from me), it's just we do the best we can at the time. Most of us really do care, at least, from what i have seen.

    I'm not sure which thread you are referring to Wayne. Yeah, tough love concerns me when someone is suicidal and right on the verge...kind of walking the fence. They could use it as an excuse to go over the edge.
  15. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    True but different people have different perceptions. What i view as being nice, you may view as being an asshole and vice versa.

    While no one on here is a trained professional does that mean we should all give up and just wrap everyone up in cotton wool? I agree to a point where being brutal to the point where you really really upset someone is wrong, but equally so is labelling people as insensitive and not caring just because you dont like what they have to say.

    If someone doesnt like what someone has to say, then as usual it will get edited out and the members are very vocal on here when they dont like something they see, but when someone says something in PM then wouldnt people feel even more alone? Some people dont like confrontation and would rather go and hide instead of reporting something.

    Granted the only people who purpousely post something with the sole intention of upsetting someone is a troll, but then again ive been called a troll many times on here because people assume that all i want to do is upset people, so whose to say who is a troll and who isnt?
  16. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I think we all know deep down if we are being nice to others.
    Quite simple really, it gets hard to be nasty to someone who is being nice to you.
    There is a world of difference between venom and straight talking.
    I dont care about the issues surrounding the poster, if that person chooses to write with uncaring it is only a reflection of themselves inside.
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    all these points are valid

    different situations will require different responses

    support doesn't always mean being warm and fuzzy, sometimes it just means being willing to listen

    definitely true that how a response is viewed will depend on the perception of the viewer - while that MUST be taken into consideration when you reply to a post there is no guarantee that your point will be understood/accepted by everyone

    this community provides its own checks and balances - we do the best we can

    sometimes the different viewpoints help provide insights that the poster would not otherwise have reached

    if i have any concerns, it is when the replies begin to deal with things other than supporting the individual

    we are an emotional community, this wouldn't work otherwise, but we need to direct it in a constructive manner

    we should avoid personal attacks - ok to point out differing views - not so okay to call someone else an idiot, etc... - if you need to get that personal, take it to PMs or meet outside of this forum

    fact of like folks, we will not like or be liked by everyone we meet in our lifetime - the best we can do is show respect and see what happens from there
  18. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    @Angerfist-This post was mostly about putting a check on my own behaviour here.
    But it has become something more meaningful,more worthwhile than the insular purpose of one individual. :)

    @Sadeyes-"Most of the stories in A Visit from the Goon Squad concern the associates and friends of a successful music executive and aging punk rocker named Bennie Salazar. It traces a large cast of mostly self-destructive characters as they grow older and fate sends them in directions they did not intend to go"

    Lol! :)

    @Wastingecho-So wise.Tough love works only when you have other options.Frankly most people come here with only one option in mind. :)

    @Acy.Trueness personified.Moods can add tones and intent to neutral words. :)

    @Kali-A pringles tube full of baby monkey sighs and newborn piglet yawns is winging its way to you. :)
  19. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    @me, myself and i-I bet you'd thought I'd forgotten you,didn't you poppet? :)
    Well I haven't.
    Your words are sage my friend.
    Would it interest you to know that there is a forum out there solely for the purpose of flaming?
    Do you know what most of the posts consist of?
    Kindness and pleasantness,that's what.
    This is a funny old world and we are funny little creatures. :Jehuty:
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member


    If I'm not up to posting i use an emoticon to show I care enough to read and listen and just 'be there'

    telling if someone is tough or not is pretty hard in cyber space