I think

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Jun 26, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I think I think toooooo much.

    I become upset with myself for doing this, its a little like a viscious circle.

    Everything is overanalyzed.

    I wonder about words I have said,

    Choices I have made,

    Things I have done.

    How could I have done things better or differently?

    Think about my future,

    How will I manage the funeral,

    How will I be able to console them when the time comes?

    Will I be able to make it until then,

    Or will I be able to make it after?

    What will I then do,

    All alone?

    Go back to work,

    Or find new work,

    Or take a risk and follow passions?

    Stay here,

    or move elsewhere?

    I think about friends here on SF,

    Worry about them and hope they can make it,

    Amazed at the common bond and support on this forum.

    Think about my words and how they affect others,

    Worry that I'll cause undue stress,

    Think about whats going on here with me now,

    Wondering whats going to happen next,

    How will I cope then?

    And the more I self examine the more I realize what I've always known,

    It always has been me, no surprise there.

    But I'm the one in control of me and my life,

    So why does it feel like I'm not?

    Why do I want to run away some days?

    Why can't I deal better with days like today when all hell seems to break loose?

    Why can't I not think about alcohol as a release or SI, moreso?

    Why can't I grow up and be in control?

    Am knocking on 40's door, its time to wake up, get a grip, and live.

    I wish things were that easy, am not sure I can make it or that I will make it when they are gone.

    What will I live for, or moreso how will I deal on my own?

    Its all scary to me and thats difficult to admit, its like exposing my fears shows vulnerability.

    To be truly alone.

    I wish I could shut my brain down, some sort of on/off switch would be good.

    If there is something to worry about, that'll be me doing it.

    And why do I revisit old things, they are done with.

    Why do they still invade my mind with images, thoughts, feelings?

    I hate it,

    I'm not sure what the answer is, other than controlling the thinking itself,

    Perhaps to learn some way to switch off, a healthy way to switch off.

    Perhaps its the day today, has been a little tough. I'm still at fault mostly, naturally. But am I correct in just accepting this behavior and whats the point in causing further distress in correcting behaviors?

    I'm frustrated with myself, vowed previously I'd not let myself be in any sort of abusive situation ever again. Maybe abusive now is not the correct term, but its triggering me bad some days.

    Its a lonely situation I'm in, I don't like admitting that.

    But its the truth, the one thought that is completely truthful.
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know what it's like to have a brain that never shuts up

    I feel for you Moanamcara....

    I'm sorry you've lost someone (funeral?) :hug:
     
  3. bookmark

    bookmark Member

    that brain that never shuts up is hard. i believe that i analyzed myself into this position. i wish i could go back and take it all back.
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I think I'm pretty sure in knowing that once they leave I won't be able to go on. I think I'll try for a bit but I'm not sure I'll succeed. I'm scared of really isolating myself and that won't help. I'm scared of not knowing my future, what to do etc.

    Sometimes all of this just overwhelms me. Who do I have? The animals. And what will happen them if I do something stupid?

    But if I can't deal with things, if I find theres no point in trying to struggle all the time, in being scared all the time - what are my choices?
     
  5. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hey Mo..first of all what i can say is that you are thinking way too much about too much, and i dont mean that to be stating the obvious or patronising.

    your head is scrambled eggs and nothing will make sense. you are trying to juggle too many plates and its just not possible to keep it up.

    having been there all i can offer is dont even think about the funeral or after the death...thats just torturing yourself ahead of the game.

    trying and keep yourself in the present, one day at a time, it took me a lot of practice but believe me it does help. dont worry about the future till it gets here.

    as for past events coming out..i asked my T the same question, and its because you are under stress and triggered and it happens, as clearly whilst we think we have put some things to bed, the fact they surface now shows that we didnt really deal with them as efficiently as we thought.

    all i can say Mo is that if i am still here, when i told my T and my GP at the beginning of this year that i would not go through another 12 months like the previous is proof that somehow people do it, i dont know how or why i am still here but like many here, we show its possible even when we reach the depths of despair.

    each day, just pick ONE just ONE thing to deal with, write everything else down in a "holding pad" to be dealt with another day. prioritise your worries. even write each down on a single piece of paper and lock them in a box and take one out each day and leave the rest alone.

    i hope you get what i am trying to say. the problem with being a carer, and dealing with other issues mean you have double pain but you can try and soften the blow to a level that will keep you grounded and let you cope.

    take care, always here...

    :hug: