I think I think toooooo much. I become upset with myself for doing this, its a little like a viscious circle. Everything is overanalyzed. I wonder about words I have said, Choices I have made, Things I have done. How could I have done things better or differently? Think about my future, How will I manage the funeral, How will I be able to console them when the time comes? Will I be able to make it until then, Or will I be able to make it after? What will I then do, All alone? Go back to work, Or find new work, Or take a risk and follow passions? Stay here, or move elsewhere? I think about friends here on SF, Worry about them and hope they can make it, Amazed at the common bond and support on this forum. Think about my words and how they affect others, Worry that I'll cause undue stress, Think about whats going on here with me now, Wondering whats going to happen next, How will I cope then? And the more I self examine the more I realize what I've always known, It always has been me, no surprise there. But I'm the one in control of me and my life, So why does it feel like I'm not? Why do I want to run away some days? Why can't I deal better with days like today when all hell seems to break loose? Why can't I not think about alcohol as a release or SI, moreso? Why can't I grow up and be in control? Am knocking on 40's door, its time to wake up, get a grip, and live. I wish things were that easy, am not sure I can make it or that I will make it when they are gone. What will I live for, or moreso how will I deal on my own? Its all scary to me and thats difficult to admit, its like exposing my fears shows vulnerability. To be truly alone. I wish I could shut my brain down, some sort of on/off switch would be good. If there is something to worry about, that'll be me doing it. And why do I revisit old things, they are done with. Why do they still invade my mind with images, thoughts, feelings? I hate it, I'm not sure what the answer is, other than controlling the thinking itself, Perhaps to learn some way to switch off, a healthy way to switch off. Perhaps its the day today, has been a little tough. I'm still at fault mostly, naturally. But am I correct in just accepting this behavior and whats the point in causing further distress in correcting behaviors? I'm frustrated with myself, vowed previously I'd not let myself be in any sort of abusive situation ever again. Maybe abusive now is not the correct term, but its triggering me bad some days. Its a lonely situation I'm in, I don't like admitting that. But its the truth, the one thought that is completely truthful.