i think...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lav11, May 20, 2012.

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  1. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i know ive been posting a lot in the forums a lot the last few days so please do excuse me... guess im just hopeing venting will help me feel a little better.. Not expecting anyone to reply, ive harrassed people on this forum enough this last week just need to vent somewhere...

    im not sure what i need, maybe if i keep posting ill find out what it is..

    Right now im feeling like i just need a hug.. like i just need my friends back.. like i want to go spend a night in the city, just getting smashed with alcohol and running away from cops being threatened to be locked up for drinking under age.. And i think that maybe i want to go to hospital again purely so i can be told that i will get through this, that im safe now and no one can hurt me where i am.. Right now im just feeling lonely i guess.. I want someone to tell me they understand and no that they actually do under stand, I want to tell someone everything, get it all out of my system and have them look at me in tears hugging me and telling me that i didnt deserve it and actually be able to believe them..

    I dont want to be dead.. i dont want it known that i killed myself but right now it seems like the only way out..i just really need these feelings to go away, if not for just one day so i can see a little bit of light, just enough so i can feel like i can get through this difficult time.. I want to get through this, honestly i do.. but not while i cant see any hope, any light, any sense this is going to go away..

    I want the people i know in real life to see just how difficult this is for me, like they know its difficult but not how close ive been to attempting every day this week.. I want them to help me in some way.. any way, lock me up in hospital, slap me till i see some sense, force me to take medication, restrain me and shove food down my throat if it helps.. i dont care, i just need something at the moment. I cant handle this sitting back waiting for something to change while nothing is changing..

    Please if there are any scientists out there.. some medication to stop flash backs and nightmares would be extremely helpful if youd care to invent some....Blahhh
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. If I were there IRL, I'd give you a RL hug. I hope virtual hugs will tide you over :hug: :arms: :hugtackles:

    I wish things were easier for you now. Venting here that you need support is excellent! Are you seeing a doctor/therapist about the situation that is giving you flashbacks? Have you discussed what triggers you and how often it happens? Maybe he/she/they will have some ideas.

    I know the feeling of just wanting someone to be there with me, to hold me. One good way to start healing is to look after ourselves...eating, sleeping, bathing even if we don't feel much like it. And telling the people around us that we are really having a hard time can help. If you are in crisis and are concerned that your feelings will get the better of you, perhaps going to ER/A & E to talk to someone and say you're in bad place is a good idea.

    And my PM box is always open if you want to vent about all the things on your mind here. I don't necessarily have answers/solutions, but I can listen. :smile: Please stay safe. :hug:
     
  3. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: thanks soo much,

    yeah i see a therapist once a week, i told her last week that i was really struggling and she organised a crisis appointment instead of our usual appointment.. but it just went pretty badly, i ended up haveing an anxiety attack when talking about my flash backs.. and what i was thinking..
    We have spoken a tiny bit about flashbacks before and what usually triggers them but because i was makeing significant improvement she wanted to create a timeline on the abuse which seems to of really set alot off... but umm, a lots happened this week on top of everything, but the flash backs are pretty much constant.. i dont think theyve actually ever been this bad flash back and nightmare wise.. even when i was being abused.. she knows its been bad this week but i dont think she realises just how bad it is... She says i just need to try and see past the bad times now and wait for it to get better again.. one step back two steps forward.. that was a week ago and nothing is changing..

    Im trying to lose weight (against what my T thinks i should be doing) and not eating again so yeah.. no food, cant sleep because of these nightmares.. i wish i could but im just physically too scared to even do so.. but yeah, been bathing only thing i can do to feel someone bearable and less disguisting..id feel so embarassed going to emergency.. ive been thinking bout it but i know my T doesnt want me goiing to hospital, in fact i know shes been trying her hardest to make sure i dont end uo in there...

    thanks :hug: means a lot. thank you
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Hey lav
    Good you are seeking support from a therapist yet cant believe if you are in a crisis they are trying to keep you away from hosp.Until you build your own inner strength up use all the support you can get and if that means going to the hosp do it.great your using forums here as thats a form of support and being able to vent and release some emotions.You have a tough journey ahead and support is whats going to help plus a little work on your behalf too.keep hanging in there as things will get easier just grab all that support.Take care
     
  5. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    yeah, i had 16 admissions to hospital last year and it became very much a habit in a way i guess... when id start to feel bad someone would just lock me in hospital, so i guess this year we are just trying to break the habit...

    thanks
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Thats prob what the idea is yet you still need to be well hey and ready to break that cycle
     
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Trust me hun, you aren't being a bother to anyone on here. You are just venting your problems and we are glad to help. I wish I could give you a hug, but I hope this will do for now. :hug: I really do hope that things will start to get better for you soon.
     
  8. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    thank you

    :hug:
     
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