I thought I had stopped this thinking pattern but again I'm thinking of the end

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by whereverimaybe, Apr 25, 2012.

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  1. whereverimaybe

    whereverimaybe New Member

    For as long as I can remember I've wanted to die, I'm talking every day of my life. This all stopped after my last attempt was wittiness'd by my son who was 16 at that time. I watched as my x-wife and her new boyfriend escorted him away while the police held me. I'll never forget the words that came from the mouth of my x's spouse, "I'm getting him out of here he doesn't need to see this". It breaks my heart to think about it and it breaks my heart to think I'm wanting to die once again. I feel I'm a failure at no good to anyone even worse I believe I'm doing more harm to those around me then if I were just gone. I'm not physically hurting anyone nor do I want to, except for myself. Since my divorce I've lost all my material processions, which is what it is. I've lost my girl who is now in college and now I'm loosing my only reason to live, my son. I'm in a terrible relationship with a woman who is using me for a place to stay. She show's no affection for me no love and sleeps all day. I believe she cheats on me and I can't trust her. Everyone who know's me, family, my Son, Daughter, Mother all tell me she isn't my problem. She has a 5 yo and she has no idea as to how to be a Mother. It's as if she has no emotions other than anger which has subsided significantly since she got sober, after an arrest which was alcohol related. I keep asking her what she wants from me and I've told her so many times that I know she doesn't love me. There's a past girl friend who just told me she became pregnant and that the baby died before birth. She had always told me she couldn't get pregnant when we were together. I often told her she was my best friend and she was or is a really nice person, just not the right one for me. I'm struggling to get by financially but I'm at least grateful to have a job. My Dad is seriously ill, terminal and I'm just a little to far away to help my Mother with him. Everything is coming down on me at once and I have no answers. I used to pray to my higher power but I don't believe I am in his good graces. Perhaps being dead would in fact put an end to everyone's problems with me and an end to this never ending pain. I hate to sit on the pity pot and I have been through enough counseling, I can't take another run in a facility. I'm doing my best but this pain is too much to keep inside. I don't want to cause anyone any more pain but in time I will be forgotten. I've given so much thought as to how to do this. A simple peaceful walk into the woods with a rope overlooking a river from above. My last words asking for forgiveness.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your son will not move on past this or your daughter they will be affected by YOUR decisons for years to come i hope hun you do go back in and get help you deserve that help hugs
     
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