I thought I should drop by here.

Hello!

I'm a teenage boy in high school. I live my life being obsessed with fictional works. All my free time is usually spent on playing fantasy video games, watching anime series, doing text roleplays with friends, and trying to get good at drawing cute things or writing.

Yesterday, I stayed at home because I felt too nervous about going back to school after the break and while staying at home, I started thinking negative thoughts and then felt like committing suicide.. I even thought of a scenario about 'if I committed suicide, what would I do before going away?' and I actually thought of a detailed description of what I would write on a note before I commit suicide. Thinking of this made the option sound more tempting and made me less motivated to live.

I didn't think of it much today as I was busy reuniting with my school friends, but when I was alone and doing nothing during one of my classes, I thought again about what I would write down before I committed suicide.

This isn't the first time I thought about suicide either. Whenever I was alone and stressed, I thought about ending it all because whenever I think really hard about it, I don't have much of a reason to live and I'm too weak to be an adult.. I was always wrapped up in my fictional world and did my best to pretend reality didn't exist ever since I was very young. My life just felt pathetic whenever I thought about it, but most of the time I didn't because I was too busy with my hobbies to think about it. These thoughts have been bothering me lately, when I was playing on my PS3 on Saturday, I just couldn't stop thinking 'this is all I can do...' I thought to myself things like 'if I'm always spending time in fiction and never reality, why am I still staying in the real world?'

I would always be stopped by my cowardice to try to kill myself, and also my fear of sharp objects along with my hemophobia (fear of blood). When I think about it, I'm not sure I really want to die. I just want to leave this world and go someplace more magical but what option do I have? Even adults at school were kind of tempting this option, always saying life isn't fair and adultlife is going to be much rougher than teenage life. Those words discouraged me from wanting to live to be an adult.

With my recent depressing thoughts and feeling like a person like me is too weak to survive life, I thought I should get help but I didn't want to be constantly reminded of this drama by telling my friends and family. I decided that maybe I should just get some help elsewhere and search for any internet communities revolving around suicide and found this place. I joined in hopes it can help fight off my depressing thoughts and give me motivation to live.

 

Hi WintersWhite, and welcome to SF I'm sorry that you are having suicidal thoughts and dealing with all of this. I also tend to not want to face the real world, which is why I am mostly writing, or immersing myself in something that will take me away from reality, so I can relate to that. It can be scary to talk about your feelings with people, but I hope that by being here, it will become easier to open up. I hope this site will be of some help to you.

 

Welcome Winters White. I'm sorry you're being plagued with these thoughts. You wrote a very vivid post of what you're going through. I hope you keep writing as I think you have a lot to offer. Other people will read and relate to what you say because you write so well.

I am much older than you but totally get the urge to leave this world and go somewhere more magical. I don't think you should worry too much about not being strong enough to face adult life though. You are stronger than you realize. It comes across in what you write. And while it is hard to be an adult, there are also a lot of rewards.

Hope to read more from you.