I thought i was getting better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sd-239192, Nov 7, 2009.

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  1. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, its me again. its been some time since i have come here but... well i just don't know whats going on with me today. its been over a month since i have had to cut, though the thought is still in my memory. but today... today i came close to breaking again, and over what? a test... just a test, my SAT was today and its my second try... i was just so worried about it because this test will help me determine where i can go... i don't know why but i guess the stress of it got to me. i found myself craving halfway in. i wound up trying to etch my arm with my pencil during my 5 minute rest time... i remember the feeling of a sharp point on my skin... its still wonderfully gruesome. its harder for me to escape from my tools now, i use them daily, i need to keep my knives and blades sharp for my hobbies. for a time i haven't seen them as escape tools but as things to ply my craft... but even as i look at them now... they look, just wonderful... just wonderful sitting there innocently.

    ...god give me strength... i cant go back to them now but i want to so badly, i have too much staked on people seeing me without scars. if i'm seen with them now... with new ones... its over, months of easing people's worries, and months of ensuring people i'm safe... i cant afford to now... i can only hope i can stay to my words this night

    SD-239192 signing out, not a man just a number, a designation, a symbol
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can distract yourself call a friend go out to the stores shopping go to a movie anything Try not to be alone okay I hope you test goes well let us know okay take care.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Are you seeing a therapist or someone you can talk to about this.SH is a hard batttle to win once you get started it becomes easier.. Talk to someone you trust and get the support you need.. We are always here for you to talk to..
  4. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    i'm glad i have you guys, your kinda a safety net for me. and no i don't see anyone, not after the last guy was feeding everything i told him to my parents. -.-...
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

  6. thesilentkiller

    thesilentkiller New Member

    i also had the same problem when i failed my exam.. i was soo desperate and thank god one of my friend helped me, It was not just only me there are thousands of people failing and if they all think as me 5o% of the people of the world would be already dead ;).
    i cut off my skin with a blade my hand in several palces,
    my friend game me a advice you use a tattoo sleeve that covered it all.

    Just think, people are supposed to die, they die when the time has come...

    Just be happy , as violet said talk with one of your friend :D
  7. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Rich, talk to me, please. I'm so, so sorry that you were feeling that way on the day of the SAT's...and I went and accidentally made you spill coffee all over yourself. =( But more than anything, I'm so sorry that I had no idea. Had I known, I would have given you even more hugs, or I would have called you to talk.
    Rich, I love you. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. Please, in the future, I want you to tell me when you're feeling this way, so that I can try to help you.
    Rich, the bracelet you gave me is gorgeous...I literally gasped when I saw it in its entirety for the first time. Having you at my party Friday night meant the world to me.
    Rich, I finally found that bracelet you were talking about, the one you told me to make when I get the chance, the one that when you look at it, it reminds you not to cut. You gave me the best gift of all.
    But...I want to share that gift with you. It's your turn to take a little bit. It's not selfish, it's just the way things should be.
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